Am I doing the right thing re kids and divorce?

[Upordown]

I'm so unsure of how to tell teen kids me and their dad are divorcing. They know things aren't right (no arguing or fights though) and I've been honest that our future is uncertain but that we love them and will always be there.
The problem is our house isn't selling and I don't want them to be uncomfortable and on edge. One is anxious as has big exams so i don't want to add more stress, and the other is struggling to settle in uni. I know they ard old enough to just be told, but what's the point in creating extra upset for months or even a year if we can't sell? It feels like we'll just make things harder. Feeling so worried I'm getting it wrong

Of course there isn’t a need to tell your kids before the exams.
And I’d avoid selling/completing/moving during this time anyway - no kid needs that sort of upheaval.
In your place I’d keep up some sort of pretence to provide stability for the exams times and work on the sale either at the background or, if possible, would just delay it a bit.
And only tell the kids once there is clarity on what happens after the house sale - who lives where, for eg as they would like to know, I presume

Do they know that the house is on the market?

What I mean is that it seems unfair to put them in the middle of the divorve when actually we are functioning on the surface. Would living in the middle of the divorce be even harder once we tell them?

MMmom that's what I'm trying to balance - stability whilst being honest with any questions. They come first.
Pika, they know the house is for sale. One says they doubt we'll buy together and tge other one doesn't want to think about it.
It's been a long time coming, but there's always been somethings in the way - serious illness etc.

Without clarity and definitive plans, i feel I will just unsettle them without explaining what comes next.

So what is the plan for when you sell?

Is the older one at uni possibly not settling because of being worried about what's going on at home?

On the other hand if they've only started this academic year then give them a chance! They'll have only been there a few weeks. You need to give it at least until Christmas.

I think you probably should give them the opening to ask and be honest that you're working towards separating. If they don't ask then perhaps leave it. But surely you can't hide the house being put up for sale?

We've already said we are working at our marriage- we've had marraige councelling. When we sell, the plan then is to explain we think we'd be happier if we live separately. The older one really wanted us to move to the town, which would be my plan. There's always an academic year to worry about disrupting and then one of them got terribly ill - that took about a year to recover.
I assumed it would be easier to split when theg were older but it's not.

I always believe in honesty. I think telling them what's going on is better; you may suddenly get an offer on the house tomorrow and things may move quickly.

My kids were 13 and 10 when I told them I was leaving their father and 4 years on they always say they were relieved.

They already have the worst of all worlds - they are unsettled, because they know the house is on the market and they don't know what will happen next. That leaves their imagination to fill the gaps, since you aren't telling them. If they didn't know about the house, I might advise waiting until after the exams. But since they already know you're selling and not getting on, giving them certainty seems like the best bet here.

Usually I would advise not to say too much but in this instance, you have already told them about your martial problems and counselling and they know the house is for sale. They much be very anxious as they know something is up but don't know which way it is going.

Yes, it's just so hard. I do answer honestly. For example they both said tgey expect us to live separately. One is happy about that as wants to move to the town anyway, the other doesn't want me to talk about and is glad the house isn't selling. I'm going to talk with stbex. He leaves all the emotional stuff to me but if he would be willing to rent - he mainly works away in the week, we would have a clear picture for the kids. He earns far more than me. I couldn't afford to rent. I need equity before that.

You are leaving them unsettled and it's unfair. They already suspect. Just tell them so they can start processing. It's not going to be an easier or better by leaving it.

We told our DCs 6 months before we knew ex could move out as it gave them time to get used to the idea, and to not tell them was lying to them as they were asking about holidays etc.

How did they get on with all still living together once you'd told them? My friend told hers and it took over a year to sell the house. Her kids really struggled with that. It caused even more upset.
I'm not lying to mine. I've just not said the decision is fully made. I guess I won't no which is worse until I actually do it. I have a feeling one of them will be quite fine about it and the other one won't as they would prefer a definitive timescale of what to expect and I can't give them that.

I just know that the only thing my dcs bring up about my divorce was that I wasn’t honest with them about what was going on. I’d told then dad was away working.

9 years later and it’s the only thing that pisses them off

Given my time again, I’d recognise they deserved the truth

Btw they were much younger than yours so you may find they are even more hurt if you don’t tell them the truth

Mooncup i fear I'm destined to get it wrong. If we limp along for another year not selling, they may wish we'd just leave alone til we have a definitive plan. All that will change is that we've explicitly announced it.
I want to be honest but also save them unnecessary uncertainty of what's next - that can only be planned when we sell (unless he moves out).

I am trying to respond and now testing mums net site.

I do not think there is a painless blueprint answer to your question. Divorce is always tricky and family relationships are different and differently complicated. Whatever you decide one thing is for certain, they will be furious, 'tis the nature of children; damned if you do and damned if you don't- so do what feels right to you. Any mistake you are accused of making will have been done with love and the best of intentions.

I (Isolde) have just published a novel about all this, 'The Diary of a Divorce' which you might find helpful. And as my son encouraged me, 'Never give up!'

I won't lie, living together wasn't easy, but that would have been the same whether they knew or not. I kept out of the way a lot as ex hardly went out and was just always around. When I was in I mainly stayed upstairs. There was no way they wouldn't have noticed the difference, in fact they did notice before we told them.

DS did say he would have rather we'd waited until ex could move out, but I don't think that would have made it better. By the time it happened they'd had a lot of time to process it and get used to the idea. They also went and looked at a few flats with ex and were involved. They chose their new bedding for their dad's etc. I do think all that helped them to get used to the idea.

Really good to get so many points of view. Thank you so much. I think you are right, there isn't a painless way through this. Perhaps it's time to have a family meeting although stbx will likely not want to be involved! Tbf, we are very civil, but he's already said he won't deal with the emotional side, which has always been a sticking point anyway!