What’s happening to us?

[Cheeseandpickle1]

Where to start, I am a mum of 2 a 1yro & 3yro. Not even a week ago I had come down with severe sickness, to my absolute horror this was no flu, I was pregnant! My reaction to my DH was “I can’t do this” I could see by the look on his face that he agreed.
Anyway we weighed up the options we went back and fourth, mainly I did. Eventually we decided that now was not the time for us. Within 3 days I had booked in for an abortion I had never imagined I’d be in that position but there we were. On the way to the appointment I was all over the place, extremely emotional and teary but at the same time I just couldn’t picture myself coping with 3 under 3.
My DH was with me the whole way, but was nowhere near emotional as I was, Infact he didn’t seem upset in the slightest.
Since then (2 days ago) he hasn’t asked me how I am. That early evening I was in bed with our DS, my DH actually went to work! not for long but that’s not the point I was still surprised that he left at all!
The next morning again he hardly asked me how I was feeling, not to mention the bastard cramps and heavy bleeding I had been experiencing all night!!
What I’m trying to say is I feel so distant from him for the first time ever. He is a happy go lucky guy all the f*cking time and it’s bugging me that he still is his same jolly self even at this difficult time. He has been striking up completely normal convos with me and I’ve basically been giving him the cold shoulder. I know this is still raw but I’m genuinely feeling like this has put a massive barrier between us, I can’t even look at him right now. I’m so mad that he hasn’t been compassionate towards me plus I’m really struggling. I’m feeling lonely and I’m starting to feel depressed, I’m not regretting my decision, I don’t think, I’m just finding it hard to get over. My hormones are through the roof right now.
I’m scared that we will never be the same after this. I don’t want to loose him but everytime I try to discuss how I’m feeling he quickly changes the subject. He says he doesn’t want to keep asking me incase I’m trying to forget about it but I have no one else to talk to. My girlfriends don’t understand and I find it hard showing my emotions to my mother. I need to keep it together for my children but I’m starting to feel distant towards my whole family.

Oh you poor thing. Your DH wants to brush this under the carpet and pretend it never happened, while you are going through the physical and hormonal changes to your body, as well as the emotional turmoil. This is a 'done and dusted' deal to him but obviously it cannot be for you.

You need to sit him down and tell him you need his support through this or it will destroy your relationship.

There is also outside support for this, hope someone will be along to tell what and where

MarianaMoatedGrange

Exactly, my girls friends have told me that men just seem to react to these things differently. Although I know my man he is normally a compassionate person and he loves to discuss things. I didn’t ever expect him to almost just brush this under the carpet in such a way.
I’ve got a good friend to talk to but only one and she can’t relate so it’s difficult being able to really open up. I’m sure I’ll work it out!

He may take a while to process, and it may sink in. When the dust settles, so to speak. Just say to him, are you not going to ask how I'm doing. Prompt him.
Maybe he's just being cheerful, to keep you up.

Sorry you’re going through this

You’ve posted the same thread on 3 different boards which might get confusing.

AnneLovesGilbert

Yes I have done this because some threads don’t even get replied so I’m just trying anyway I can.

I think you need to talk this through in real life. You are looking to your DH for support that he, for whatever reason, cannot supply right now. Maybe he's just trying to forget what happened, maybe he genuinely doesn't feel it's a big deal, maybe he's still processing and may suffer repercussions at a later date. But these are all on him to deal with.

You need help now. Did you get the number of a counselling service before your termination? If not, go back to your doctor and ask to be given a contact number. Talk to your friends too. Talk to people who understand how you're feeling, and maybe give him a nudge to talk too.

I think men can be a bit dumb - he may think that because you wanted the abortion you are ok and if not he doesnt want to ask in case it upsets you.

Sit him down and explain how you feel. Of course you will feel emotional and need to take time to recover but men are sometimes not very perceptive

I wonder if he’s this way because he focuses on that it was the right decision and you both were agreed whereas for you it’s very different - you physically went through this. Also if you’re trying to behave as usual he might think that you’re ok as usual. Or he might be avoiding the conversation because he doesn’t know what to say. Could be all of these. Talk to him.

Sorry that you’re going through this.

Zaphodsotherhead
It just seems as if he doesn’t see it as much of a big deal, I’ve told him so many times that this is really effecting me but he just changes subject.
I do have a girlfriend I can talk to, our circumstances are nothing alike she doesn’t have children she is single so it’s hard to really get my feelings across.
I did get a consolers number, maybe I’ll give her a call today. Thanks!

Lozzerbmc
I agree I think only naturally he can’t fee the same feelings as I am only because it’s me really going through it and not him.
When he came to the appointment with me, I left him parking the car when I went in, he was trying to find me but couldn’t as the nurses wouldn’t tell him, he eventually found me and sat with me during the process. I don’t know if I’m overthinking it but part of me feels like where you so eager to find me just to make sure I actually took the pill or did you genuinely want to support me. I know he wanted to be there for me but my mind keeps overthinking and overreacting!!

Did he actually want an abortion or did you put it to him as a done decision.

Maybe he is trying to keep going and thinks you were the one that wanted this so why are you now emotional about it.

What exactly do you want from him.

greenlynx
I wish I knew why he wouldn’t speak to me or why he doesn’t find this hard for me.
We both agreed on the termination but I kept saying to him “maybe we could cope with 3” and “I really don’t want to do this” I knew it Was the right thing to do for us as a family I just didn’t want to go through it all, that’s all.

I know he knows I’m struggling and he knows I have none to talk to, his sister is studying to be a therapist and his parents are both doctors so he knows how this would be effecting me. That’s what’s bothering me even more.
I’ve literally been in my room since the appointment I’ve only come out for dinners etc. I just feel miserable and he can see this, it makes me so sad to think he Is just in denial.
He actually said to me this morning “are you depressed?” I said “I’m seriously struggling and I’m feeling really low and I have no one to talk to” he then said “talk to me” then literally interrupted me and walked off to watch his tv programme! I couldn’t believe it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this experience OP, it's an undoubtedly tough time for anyone, especially if you feel as if you are dealing with it alone.

I don't think DH has any more of an idea of what you are experiencing because of his family's roles, in fact I'd suggest the opposite - he has seen / heard of many medical procedures taking place from a clinical, even mechanistic perspective, not necessarily the whole-person, emotional side at all.
So thus he includes this in his memories of those "procedures" & unintentionally just doesn't get how deeply it can affect you.

The saying that he will listen & then walking away? Just like my DH - every intention, but either he didn't realise you meant now or he simply got into the habit of dozily pottering along to his own schedule rather than altering it for something more important.

Can you arrange a specific time to talk to him? Maybe message him & say you want to put aside time this evening?

Please don't let this misalignment of understanding evolve into something bigger.

Best wishes x

RoseyOldCrow

Yes that’s true I didn’t actually think of it in that way. It’s funny he normally likes to open up, if I’ve done something wrong he likes to address it and talk through things.

I think he feels uncomfortable and he would rather not address it. He doesn’t actually work in the uk he works abroad right now and has only come home for this reason. He is supposed to go back abroad tomorrow Infact. I think he doesn’t want to address it because he doesn’t want to worry about me when he has gone. It’s easier for him to brush it under the carpet, in his mind he thinks it will be a distraction for me. It sounds strange but part of me just wants him to go back now, maybe me being back into a routine will help me get over this.

We have tried talking this through but he changes the subject quite quickly so I can’t imagine me setting a time will even make a difference. I’m going to try and speak to my girlfriend about how I’m feeling, maybe she will make me see abit of sense!

Thank you for your kind words.

Oliversmumsarmy

Quite the opposite actually. My initial reaction was “I can’t do this” but I warmed up to the idea. Don’t get me wrong I knew, we all knew that it wasn’t the right time. Although I had imagined life with another baby, he was the one who kept saying to me “it’s not the right time, we will try again in the future, you struggle with the kids we have now how can we have another” “we can’t afford another child it’s going to put too much pressure on us” don’t get me wrong everything he was saying is true, I mean we defo could of afforded another one that’s not an issue but he means in the long run. Which to me doesn’t make sense because we plan on trying for another baby, just not so soon, our initial idea was in the next 5 years.

So it was him who was pushing more for the abortion than I was, even on the way to the appointment I told him I didn’t want to do it. Don’t get me wrong he didn’t force me but he was only pointing out the negatives that would occur if we did go ahead.

I do feel grief and I feel sadness, part of me regrets it part of me knows it just wasn’t the right time but that doesn’t mean I can’t be sad.

Answering the question what do I want from him. I want my husband to be a shoulder I can cry on. I am a full time mother to two young children and to his teenage stepdaughter. I am always dealing with tantrums and wiping tears but I never get the same done for me. I just want him to be there for me emotionally, I don’t see that as too much to ask.
I may have agreed to an abortion, even before taking the tablet I looked at him and he could see by the look on my face that I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t get anything back from him. Just the look as if to say “go on..”

I'm going to push you... if DH is here for such a limited time then it is even more important that you make time to speak to him - manage him!

When he listens to you, & the two of you have shared everything like you always do, then your girlfriend will be there for you tomorrow - and you can feel even less alone.

RoseyOldCrow
That’s true, I will try again with him today. I hope he listens!

Hey @Cheeseandpickle1 how are you?