Help me

[Drowninginmyself]

My husband left me in April for my next door neighbor and "good friend".
We had had a lot of problems, I hold my hands up to cheating once just after we got married... I asked him so many times if he wanted out, to go to counselling, everything... Nope, he was happy and we would be ok.
Then 3 years later, April this year, I found out he had been seeing her since August... She finished with her husband for him months before but noone thought to tell me.
Since then, I took him in when he wouldn't go to his family when he was suicidal. His parents? Oh great he's staying with you, we can fuck off on our week away. His siblings, he wouldn't let me tell them.
Then he did tell them and suddenly I'm the enemy. I saved his fucking life and nearly broke my mental health (again) in the process.
I am not coping. It all hit me like a ton of bricks again the last couple of weeks and when I (briefly)told him this so he would understand how much I needed a break (for him to have our daughter and not treat me like crap) eventually it came around the the same conclusion as every other conversation... That it's ALL MY FAULT because of that one mistake years ago.
Yes, I did wrong. Fuck me I know, he threw it at me every chance he got. But I felt stuck that I couldn't manage alone so I took it and learned to just take it. And now, still. I'm taking it. Friends have commented that I was never let to be angry over it, and that I'm the only one not going around like a victim. Because I refuse to let myself be a victim.
But I fucking am, and I've come close to ending things a couple of times recently.
There's a voice in my head telling me not to bother taking my antidepressants because it's all my fault and there's no point. I fight thstthat mostly and take them, but it wins sometimes and I don't take them.
I know I need them and I know I need to try to detach and move on but, how???????
I feel broken. His whole family blanking me, my kids think it's all my fault because I can't tell them otherwise. I feel like just ending it all and giving the world what it wants. I'm desperately sad and down, I don't know what to do
I know I did wrong, I know that. He also did wrong being an asshole for the last 3 years, drinking every day, being passive aggressive, using the kids in arguments, he fucking let us all move house for a fresh start 4 months before I found out about them... So I'm also stuck here struggling for money because I've had to get childcare and I live in a rundown house that needs work, that I thought was manageable when we moved (between the two of us, but I can't do it on my own) and I'm drowning in it all... Really drowning and I can't tell anyone so I'm saying it here to get it out, in the hopes that might help.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It sounds like you have really been through it and have every right to be utterly fed up.

Have you told anyone IRL exactly how low you are? Please do if you haven't. You need some real life support, and deserve it. And I don't mean your ex, a friend. Tell them how you are feeling suicidal at times. Also please consider going to your GP. They can help. Be totally honest. Consider ringing MIND or the samaritans who can help guide you through your emotions.

In terms of practical help, do you receive benefits? Do you know if you are getting all you are entitled to?

Try to think of it as a series of small problems and approach them individually. The most pressing ones first, not everything all together.

You have been incredibly strong and are continuing to be so, you can do this but get support. You deserve it. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Please, ring your GP first thing.

Hugs to you.

Thank you. So much, for your kind message x
I'm making a gp appointment today, I have to

I'm so pleased to hear that. Be honest with them, let it come out so they can give you the best advice for you. Don't hold back. Tell them you have felt suicidal.

This is a massive step and you should be very proud of yourself, let it be the first step to putting yourself first and finding your happiness again.

Sorry you are going through this but its not your fault. You’ve paid for your mistake and he’s throwing it back to assuage his own guilt.
It will get better, take it slowly one day at a time and focus on the DCs - you are still a family. Do some nice things together - be kind to yourself. Hope the dr was helpful.

You can get through it you know

Did you get in at the GP? Hope you're doing ok.

Get all of the practical help you can from GP, mental health professionals and other agencies, and then step outside of this situation and see it for what it is; a load of drama and infighting which you don't have to be responsible for and nor do you have to engage in it.

Start detaching from unhealthy interactions with those who don't care for you or your welfare and begin finding yourself, the essential you that's struggling to assert itself above the noise of conflict.

I think you'll find that your inner self is a warm, wise, and compassionate woman whose only fault is that she can be her own worst enemy. Cast off the unnecessary guilt, regret, and angst over what can't be changed and look to be the best you can be for yourself, and for your dc.

All things must pass and a much brighter future is awaiting you.

So sorry to hear you're going through this- hugs xxxxx

Keep doing all your GP and other professionals prescribe etc, and keep going back and telling them how you're doing. If you aren't already, ask to be referred for counselling.

Just keep ticking over and you will get through this. xxx

Hi OP

How did you get on at the dr? Please keep taking your meds, you can get through this. I won't pretend it'll be easy but you can do it. Your ex sounds vile-don't let him grind you down. Mine almost did but I stood my ground and things are gradually getting better.

You got this

Thank you all so much for the kind messages... I went to my gp, on xanex for a week and back for review then... Along with my antidepressants and he is referring me for counselling. I feel better for going, but still kind of... Numb?
That's the easiest way to explain how I am feeling tbh.
I'm home now and have eaten something, going to try to relax for a couple hours and then maybe call to see a friend. I really need my ex to have dd tonight so I can have a night off but she won't stay with him at the moment, poor thing is going through it too, she doesn't believe he has changed (he used to drink every day and sleep all day) he seems to be changing that aspect but I can totally get her point of view and it's completely justified

How old is your DD?

I understand the 'numb' feeling. But glad you went to your GP. Hopefully counselling will help you too. Keep posting OP if you want to. There's always someone about who'll listen.

Well done OP, it sounds like you have taken huge steps already. You've already had some great advice here about tackling one thing at a time rather than being overwhelmed about the bigger picture. You've talked about his family being completely non-supportive. Do you have any family of your own that you can confide in or who can help practically?

I'm sure MN will add their own post due to the content of your first post, but to reiterate that if you relapse at all and start to think about self harm, please do reach out to an organisation who will listen carefully in a caring and supportive manner, like the Samaritans. You can call them from any phone on 116 123.

It's likely to be a long road for you, but there is a better future waiting for you OP. Take care .

Dd is 6, I also have ds 10 who is with his dad 50-50, and I think he wants to be with me more too... So I need this week to get myself on the road to where I was.. I have been signed off for the week so I will have time to sort some things in the house too that I haven't been able to face... That will help me mentally, when I see I can do stuff myself and get it looking better... Small things and hopefully in time I'll get far enough to tackle the bigger things...
I'm feeling a lot more positive and am going to be selfish and look after myself this week. I can't help my kids when I'm like this so their dads will have to step up.
Someone Asked about family, I have none. I have a few friends who have done more than enough for me already but I'm trying to keep in contact and keep focused on chatting to them too.
Its been a long day and long few months but I'm going to try my best to get over this

And stop blaming yourself for a silly mistake that you made a long time ago. We all do silly things sometimes, but he's using it as a stick to beat you with. He's done much worse since then. Horrible man.

You are not being selfish looking after yourself. It's hard to see sometimes but you absolutely have to put yourself first to be able to be there mentally for your children. If you're doing ok, they'll be fine. You are doing the right thing. Good for you. Hugs xx

Thank you all so so much. You don't know how much your messages are helping me. I'm feeling crap tonight but I'm going to keep trying

You can do this OP. I've been through similar times of despair and seem to be out the other side 🤞🏻 Feel free to PM me if you want to

How many times should you have to pay for your one mistake. It sounds like he's been punishing you constantly since it happened.

How are you doing OP?