Advice needed about relationship.

[DanDan1234]

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. We have a 1 year old boy together. Our son wasn’t planned but he is and was very much wanted.

I didn’t live with my partner when I fell pregnant I lived 40 miles away in a rental. He has his own house so I moved in with him when I was about 6 months pregnant.

The house is beautiful and dp has worked very hard to make it so nice. Dp has a very good job but works away all week and is only back at weekends. But currently he’s been away 3 weeks with out coming home.

I am a hair stylist and always worked. But sadly since having my boy I have had to give up my job as it was 40 miles away and I struggle with child care.

I have however set up a salon in my front room but it’s slow building it up and to be honest I struggle all week on my own with a baby, 2 dogs and a big house.

I am currently trying to finish my degree that I had to take a break from when I fell pregnant as I was very unwell.

The problem is my dp gets on at me about not bringing any money in. I’m told that I put a lot of stress on him by not working.

I have always been Independent until having ds. Now I have to rely on dp for money and it’s hard. My car has broken down a car that I didn’t even want as I had a perfectly good car but dp says it wasn’t practical for the dogs and ds. So I had to get a new one which I didn’t want.

Dp won’t help me towards a new car even though he has the money he is earning £2,000 a week currently.

He has put my £40 into my account today for food for the week and petrol. I know this won’t be enough and I will have to ask for more. He will then make me feel bad about having to ask for more.

He ruined our sons 1st birthday by not helping me do anything for his party. He left his party after a hour and said he was going to the football which obviously upset me. But he said it’s ok as he had the next day off to spend with us. The next day was awful that was our actual ds birthday. I wanted to take him somewhere for the day but dp was tired and miserable.

My parents have noticed how dp is with me. But they tell me to just try harder with him.

Things are strained at the moment as he’s away so much and I’m tired from being with ds and studying and looking after the house.

But I really feel no matter what I do it will never be good enough for this man.

He is miserly and doesn't see you as a family

He is quite happy for you to look after DS, the house, the dogs pretty much solo and yet refuses to support his partner and son financially! Look up financial abuse...

You will probably get better support and have more money moving back to your home town.

This is financial abuse! He’s earning 2,000 a week and giving you £40 a week to pay for food for his son! Have you done the online cms calculator? That will give you an idea what he should be giving you

He doesn’t see you as an actual family or team. Which is kinda understandable in a sense, given you hadn’t had chance to actually build a secure bond or relationship before becoming tied together with a quick pregnancy. You’re now finding out who he is.

I don’t think he’s going to change. Call his bluff and let him know you’re gonna find a full time job, doing anything as long as it’s full time hours, and will need to split childcare costs together. He can no longer complain you’re not contributing financially then.

This is financial abuse! He’s earning 2,000 a week and giving you £40 a week to pay for food for his son! Have you done the online cms calculator?

I’m guessing her also paying for the housing and bills too though, and food?

He’s earning £2000 a week and wants you to bring even more money in?! How much money does he need?

This isn’t about you not contributing financially, it’s about him having something to hold over you, and you having to go cap in hand once your meagre £40 has run out, so he can make you feel bad for asking for more.

Honestly? I’d leave. Your parents’ advice is rubbish as well. You shouldn’t have to ‘try harder’ with him. He is financially abusing you. Move out. Yes, easier said than done, but I’d contact Women’s Aid (financial abuse counts as abuse, he doesn’t have to be hitting you for you to speak to and get advice/guidance from them) and make an exit plan.

I’ve just done the cms calculator and put in 2,000 a week. It says that you should be receiving £204 per week. If you were on your own and not working, you can claim housing benefit, child benefit etc on top of that. Are you claiming all the benefits you can?

Doesn’t seem fair that out of that £204 you’d have to pay childcare costs to go back to work. How do people do it?

This was me many years ago. Please find out what you are entitled to and leave this man who seems to be extremely tight-fisted and most probably financially abusive. I was constantly pestered to bring in more money while he sat on a fat wad of property and income. I paid all the bills. Slowly it dawned on me that this man did not love me at all. He also didn't help at all with childcare or the expenses even though I was working full time. You are so young - please evaluate your situation and try to take emotion out of it. Best decisions are made whilst children are young

I agree with all above. The guy is abusive.

I am a mum to a 2 year old, I don't work and my husband works full time. We share everything, finances, childcare, housework. You are doing everything alone, and not only that, your partner is actively trying to make your life harder.

Your parents advice is poor, they are from a different generation and have a different mindset. You seemed happier on your own and had a great life plan.

Pack your cases, going it alone will be much easier and much more satisfying than living with this idiot. And claim everything youre entitled too also, you and your baby deserve it.

It will be tough but a million times worth it.
Xxxx

I am so sorry. My friend is in the same situation. Sadly everything happened too fast and you didn’t really get to know him. My friend is now being isolated from her friends and family. Don’t let that happen to you. This will not get better. Time to think about getting your life back before the abuse gets worse.

Sorry but he's taking the piss. And yes, it is financial abuse.

Either your parents don't know the extent of things and that he is expecting you to get by like this or they have...issues themselves. Often when we come from dysfunctional parents, we end up in dysfunctional relationships.

Might be wise to speak to women's aid to see how you should proceed step by step but you cannot continue on with someone like him. He isn't rational, so talking with him about it will do bugger all but leave you feeling the bad guy. He only cares about himself. So start thinking about what's vest for you and the kids. And no, it isn't staying with this nasty sod.