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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Family Problem Help

20 replies

Emma0990 · 13/10/2019 13:20

Hello, my mum and my current partner have fallen out over something really silly, my partner is happy to make amends but my mother won’t.
Anyway it’s my mothers 50th birthday coming up and she has invited my ex-boyfriend as he is my children’s father, but not invited my current partner whom I also have one child with! My partner would be heartbroken and devastated if he found out! Do I go? I feel like I shouldn’t. What would everyone else do?

OP posts:

ValerianV · 13/10/2019 13:42

I wouldn't go. Awful situation you are in.

Fairenuff · 13/10/2019 13:59

Don't go of course. It's a no brainer.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/10/2019 14:01

Go and talk to your mum. Ask her why she finds it do difficult to accept your DP and how you can all come to some arrangement so as not to cause upset in the family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2019 14:01

Of course not! Why do you feel you should? She’s behaving horribly and you should stand by your partner.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 13/10/2019 14:03

Kinda depends on why they fell out in the first place...

BumbleBeee69 · 13/10/2019 14:58

Do not go.

Original poster

Emma0990 · 13/10/2019 15:05

I know that if I don’t go my mum will be upset and she’ll blame it all on my partner and say he’s trying to split the family up then she’ll fall out with me and slag me off to everyone. I know what my mum is like and I can’t be bothered with the headache or drama but then I don’t want to upset my partner also! 😔

OP posts:

SuperSange · 13/10/2019 15:08

Please go. If I were your partner I'd be livid and seriously question the relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2019 15:16

You’d rather pander to your mother and her temper tantrum than stand up for your partner. Poor bloke.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 13/10/2019 15:55

But why did they fall out? That seems to be the important part this is being missed out.

Original poster

Emma0990 · 13/10/2019 20:49

Doesn’t matter why they fell out! I’m asking for opinions not shitty judgemental comments -

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 14/10/2019 05:11

I fail to see how asking why your current dp and your dm fell out is the equivalent of, or will give rise to, 'shitty judgemental comments'.

Surely you would prefer any opinions on your situation to be informed rather than guesswork, and your touchiness on this subject suggests that you are unlikely to succeed in pouring oil on the burning waters of the fall out.

In any event, you should stand by your partner and take any lumps your dm dishes out when you fail to attend her birthday party.

It's a shame as 50 is a milestone birthday and, if you had revealed the nature of the fall out, I daresay that experienced responders here would have come up with helpful suggestions that may have enabled you to persuade your dm to do the decent thing and invite the second father of your dc as well as the first.

Does your dm help you with childcare? If so, I suggest you prepare to forego any future help from her.

Mummaofmytribe · 14/10/2019 05:17

It honestly does depend on why they fell out. If your mother is a difficult, petty, unreasonable person then you should obviously support your partner and make it clear that you come as a package.
However, if your partner is at fault - lost his temper or was offensive or rude and mother has a right to be upset.
So I would look impartially at what happened, and if it really is a minor thing where your partner meant no offence, you tell your Mum you'll only attend as a couple.

AmIThough · 14/10/2019 05:45

I think you should have it out with DM beforehand. Not inviting DP is one thing but the inviting your ex instead is nasty.

notonmybucketlist · 14/10/2019 06:22

Don't tell your mum you're not going, but call off sick with a stomach upset at last minute and don't go. She's putting you in an impossible position. This way you don't get sucked into her manipulative game.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 14/10/2019 06:56

It wasn't shitty or judgmental, so calm yourself. It was about trying to understand why your mum has reacted this way.

whiteroseredrose · 14/10/2019 13:39

Presumably your Ex is ex for a reason. Is she being disloyal to you by inviting him?

peachgreen · 14/10/2019 13:43

It sort of depends on who was in the right in the argument. So if they fell out because your mum called your DS a name and your DP challenged him, then of course you shouldn't go. But if they fell out because your DP hit your mum's dog then of course you SHOULD go (and ditch DP while you're at it). See the difference?

eenymeenyminyme · 14/10/2019 13:45

OK, if you're not happy to tell us why they fell out it's hard to form an opinion really... can you just say who's fault you believe it was that they fell out? That should help you decide.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 14/10/2019 13:51

I don't think there have been any "shitty and judgemental comments" on the face of it, your mum's reaction is pretty extreme. You don't want to say why they fell out, so you need to think through whether it's something serious enough to merit this.

And no, I wouldn't go in a million years.

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