Please tell me to wake up and smell the coffee!

[BackOnceMore]

Hi all, I am a long time user, have been posting on mumsnet under different usernames. I posted in the past about this man, so you might recognize bits of the story from older posts. I think just need a kick in the butt now to spring me into action, and msn is the best place for a reality check.

I have been dating a 44 yo man who is fresh out of a marriage for the last 9 months. He has 2 DC and shared custody. I am 30, childfree and never been married. Without sounding arrogant, I am quite attractive, have a great career, financially comfortable, great family and friends.

We met only weeks after he had split with his ex wife, then he moved out of the family home and got his own place in May. I think we genuinely fell in love with each other.

However, it is just not working. He is going through some mental health difficulties that I believe are a common reaction to such a life changing event like divorce. He has anxiety and OCD tendencies. I have been there for him for 9 months, but I recently realized that he is incapable of supporting me back because he is 100% engrossed in his own personal drama.

As a result, the relationship is heavily unbalanced and entirely on his terms, he gives "what he can" and "when he can". He professes his unconditional love all the times, and says he wants to be with me, but he is clearly still struggling to get over the split of his family.

I kept giving it a bit more time and waiting for him to be ready to be a good partner, but I am now realizing this won't happen anytime soon. He is a good person, and I know he loves me, but it is just not enough to make it work.

To top it off:

• we are dating in secret because he is scared that if his ex finds out too soon after the split their amicable separation will turn nasty.
• we are colleagues in a big organisation.
• I lent him several thousands of pounds to help him when he was moving out and into his new place. He paid me back after a couple of weeks, but still not a great dynamic I suppose.

Please tell me to wake and smell the coffee. This is wrong, for both of us. I know I need to walk away, I know he was on the rebound, but I'd be good to hear it from the wise msn crew as well

Run.

It’s just everything wrong .
And it isn’t love.
And he’s a right fuck for borrowing money off you.
Sorry op .

Sounds pretty shit for you OP

Snog it really is pretty shit for me.

Be apart until he can really treat you the way you deserve. You sound amazing and, although you can't help who you fall for, you're young enough to find someone without so much fresh baggage.

Time to end it. It's not an equal relationship. You're his buffer, his shoulder to lean on, not his partner. Leave him to lick his wounds and recover from the end of his marriage on his own or with professional help.

Well away with your head held high before this relationship destroys you.
Dating in secret ? Wtf is that all about?
He needs to sort his shit out.
Just walk ...... very quickly and quietly and then move on to bigger and better things

At the very least, he needs time on his own to deal with his divorce and its aftermath.

It's not fair for him to not be available for you. You don't need a man who's at this stage in his life.

And he needs to take a step back from relationships until he IS in a position to give someone more.

Yep smell the dam coffee.. his circus let him crack on. Enjoy being a beautiful single girl. Where do you see yourself in a year from now? Still doing this or having great holidays, nights out and being a little more carefree. I know what I'd choose.

Yeah....get rid. Too needy IMO.

Thank you all for your kind messages, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Oh dear, I really wish there was some kind of big warning sign that men can have when they are separated. The poor man is grieving his relationship my lovely. You are the transition relationship and they normally finish when he is over his divorce and wants to move on with someone else who doesn't remind him of the terrible transition time. He is a ball of messed up emotions. You sound like a good catch, you will not have a happy outcome with this I will guarantee you that. Just back off him and tell him to contact you when his divorce is finalised and he is ready to love again. He is not at the moment.

FFS! Why do men just get a slagging off no matter what?!

OP you were clearly of sound mind when you got into a relationship with someone weeks after they moved out of a long term relationship. Have you not heard of rebound relationship?

The person who should have said no to this in the first place is you since he may have been so needy he wanted to attach to someone to not feel so alone (A woman would have gotten this sort of understanding but a man? Nope, the evil being that he is!)

What's wrong with him asking to borrow money from you WHICH HE PAID BACK? YOU lent him the money even when you, of sound mind, felt iffy about it. Why didnt you say no or end it then if you thought it was weird? That's right, you loved him. (Again, a woman would be understood if she had to leave a relationship and borrow money to start afresh even if she couldn't pay back!)

Now that THANKFULLY you have seen the dynamics isn't working, you come on here to make it his fault before you feel okay enough to leave him?

Leave him already but not because I think he is doing anything wrong intentionally (He probably can't see the woods from the trees or something like that?) but because people need time to sort themselves out psychologically before getting into another relationship. Since you're supposed to be the one of sound mind who can see what's happening, do the leaving!

We met only weeks after he had split with his ex wife, then he moved out of the family home and got his own place in May.

You may not know it, but you were the other woman. He's keeping it secret because he knows he cheated and doesn't want you, her and everyone else to do the maths on the overlapping timelines.

He treated his wife like shit, now he's starting to do the same to you.

There are so, so, very many abjectly average single men out there. Please do yourself a favour and go upgrade to one of those.