I’ve been with DH for seven years now and we have a 6 month old baby.
We have always had issues but I’m now beginning to feel like I don’t love him and I feel overwhelmed by the issues we have.
Early on in our relationship he was messing about with other women. He also abandoned me. Came back years later. I agreed to take him back on the condition that he would always be loyal. I was crazy about him and felt so connected to him. Things were pretty good to start with but the past was a bit of a cloud over our relationship for the first year or two. I wasn’t always sure that I could trust him. We fought about that. I got over it eventually although I do still feel a bit wary and can’t say I would trust him 100%
I’ve always had low self esteem (mother issues). In the time after DH abandoned me I was in a relationship with a guy who was very charming and passionate. He made me feel so special. As did his family. I think they were just naturally amazing at making people feel good and really seemed to take to me. During that period I felt so good about myself. When I started my relationship with DH I think I expected the same and I sometimes felt it a little but not in the way my ex made me feel. DH can be very charming if he wants to be but it’s like he’s lost interest in being that way with me. There’s no flirty chat etc. Nowadays I feel really low about myself. DH hardly ever says anything nice about me and when he does I feel like it’s said without any real feeling. I trust my gut a lot and it tells me when DH says something nice it’s very robotic and almost like a learned behaviour rather than something said with real emotion (his mother seems the same way to me so that’s maybe where it comes from- she’s nice but doesn’t seem genuine to me). It’s hard to explain. Anyway despite telling DH how I feel and him saying that he would try harder to communicate how he feels, nothing has changed. I still feel low about myself but I try to get on with life.
I feel like we don’t have much to talk about any more. Recently it was our anniversary and we watched a box set all evening (like we do on any other evening). I then booked a dinner for us two weeks later and the conversation was just dull - him talking about work and me talking about the baby. Didn’t enjoy it one bit except for the delicious food.
Sex life is pretty rubbish. The baby sleeps in a separate room and sleeps through so it’s not like we are sleep deprived or don’t have the opportunity. Neither of us really initiate and if we do it’s very mechanical. I feel like I’m having sex for the sake of having sex not because I want him. He’s good looking so it’s not that. I think it’s because I feel indifferent to him and also possibly because I’ve gained a bit of post partum weight and feel self conscious.
Now we have had these problems for years, but I always felt like I loved him. However I think that feeling has faded. I’m not sure I really feel anything for him. How do you know when you don’t love someone any more? Sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t even care if he was with another woman, which would have been crazy a few years ago. I’ve started to fantasise about meeting someone who makes me feel great and who I feel a close connection too.
We have spoken about counselling and DH making more of an effort for years but nothing ever happens or changes. Maybe that’s why the love is fading? Are these too many issues for counselling to help with? If I don’t love him is it worth bothering with counselling?