I've been with my DH for almost 5 years and married for almost a year. We have a toddler DC together and I have an older (almost preteen) child from a previous relationship.
We own our own home and have done for over 3 years.
When we first got together DH, then DP, I done the bulk of parenting and household stuff because a)it was my child and a new situation and b) he worked shifts and a lot of overtime and I had time at the weekend.
Things ticked along okay. When we moved and toddler was born DH changed jobs, giving him more free time at the weekend, but the bulk of it stayed my responsibility as I was on mat leave and had a routine with older DC regarding homework and bed.
However over two years later I'm now at the point where I'm really unhappy and frustrated. I love him but I don't know if I'm in love with him, despite being married less than a year.
It has become very apparent that we have different house standards and parenting styles and we clash constantly. To me he seems lazy and unappreciative and to him I nag a lot.
He is back at college and works one 12 hour and one 8 hour shift per week, home by 4pm during college time with holidays off. I work 9-5 and have work home most nights, weekends off and a training course until half 6 once a week.
Each week I am responsible for cleaning the house, he hoovers and empties the bins; I sort all washes, put them on, hang them to dry and put the folding stuff away, he irons once a week and I do in-between; I cook all dinners and put all the dishes away, he washes the dishes; I tidy up at night and he baths the toddler, I then put PJ's on them; I sort all childcare; do all the running about for clubs; do all homework; sort all lunches and so on.
We always contributed equally to a household account and yet I was the one to pay for every day essentials like clothing and shoes for the kids. He gave money at Christmas and birthdays. I get the child benefit. Now he earns less I contribute more but still pay for everything else.
When toddler was a baby I done every night wake and feed and when I went back to work ended up cosleeping to make it easier. We are still cosleeping now but DH martyrs himself using a blow up bed on the floor, despite there being enough room in the bed. He wants DC in their own bed, but last time we tried I ended up doing all the night wakings it brought and could barely function at work and had to stop. He doesn't do the night wakings and gets horrifically grumpy and it's not worth it.
He can be quite lazy when it comes to parenting, hates going anywhere with us that involves doing stuff, and prefers to plonk them in front of the TV and let chaos unfold.
Today I asked him to watch the toddler downstairs while I worked with older one upstairs and he managed for all of five minutes. His stock reply is "what do you expect me to do?".
We've had conversation after conversation about these issues and he says that I need to ask him to help more. My reply is he is an adult and I shouldn't need to ask him to put a wash on when the basket is clearly overflowing. I should need to ask him to make dinner at dinner time. But I do and he still doesn't do it. Or he "forgets". He always "forgets" when it isn't something he wants. He forgets to buy his own immediate family birthday cards. Our arrangement was always I sort my family as we buy for more people and he sorts his. He just stopped.
We're going away for a few days, just us, on Monday. Tomorrow I need to sort the kids stuff for the childcare I arranged, check pets in to boarding, pack my last bits, clean the house and do some work at night before I go. He has an 8 hour shift starting at 3. I've reminded him to pack for a few days and nothing. Today I done bath time to let him pack, nothing. Tomorrow he'll either pack and I'll end up watching a toddler and trying to clean a house alone or he'll rush about on Monday morning. He's had days but is too lazy to do it.
I've sorted everything, transfers, money, printed documents etc. He was asked to pack and still hasn't.
When it's just us two he doesn't want to do anything - dinner, cinema, days out. He wants to sit and watch TV.
He doesn't have anything else going on as he's more than happy to arrange days out with friends, go to the gym etc. He just doesn't enjoy family time or anything with us. It's as though his entire persona when we first met was a façade.
It's at the point where I don't want to spent time with him because we do nothing, we don't talk and I'm too annoyed at the end of the day. I don't want to be intimate for the same reason. I do love him as, despite being a lazy shit, he does care about the kids and is a good person, but the string of annoyance has left me not being in love with him. I can see myself being single and I'm not terribly upset.
What do we do? Can we recover? Am I expecting too much?