Am I just a horrible person?

[heartofwhat]

Getting straight to the point:

I have been chatting with someone for a week or so online and things were going well. We set a date to meet for coffee. He explained he had a disability. It is a rare one and he expected me not to know of it.

In an extremely odd twist I know the disability very well because my mother had it. She recently passed away from something kind of related to it.

He seems a great guy and was pleased I'd have an understanding of his disability. I had mixed feelings but decided to go ahead and meet him for coffee.

He is a nice guy. But I really don't think I can see him in any kind of romantic role because of his disability. He has mannerisms that are just too similar to my mum because of it.

I just feel like an utterly awful person for not looking past his disability. It's so unfair to him isn't it?

I don't even know why I've written this.

I just feel terrible. I don't know what to say to him either.

No it’s probably painful for you to be reminded of your lovely mum. Be kind to yourself.
Also it hurts to fall in love if we fear what we fall in love with could be taken away.
Life is complicated .

It’s fine. You have no obligation to go out with him. If you don’t fancy him for whatever reason that’s ok. Give yourself a break

I agree with the others. I'm sorry about your mum

I think it would be painful because of my mum and I know the long and hard road ahead he has.

Totally fine.

I don;t date people with certain physical disabilities because it's too close to my work. It's fine to choose not to date someone for any reason. Remember that their feelings are not your responsibility - and if they are so reliant on the validation of a stranger, that is their thing, not yours. But tbh, most people with disabilities are used to people having prejudice against them - so your rejection might not be as surprising as you fear

If you would genuinely be up for pure friendship, then elaborate about your mother. Otherwise, just a 'I had a lovely time, but I don't think there's a spark' will be fine.

I think it’s totally understandable that you feel this way. You are not a horrible person at all.

If a friend explained this exact situation to you, would you judge her? No, you would tell her to trust her instinct on this and not get romantically involved with a man who brings such painful memories flooding back.

Up this must be difficult for you, but I think of you explain to this man that it’s just too painful for you to be reminded of your mums illness, he wI’ll understand.

Of course you’re not a terrible person. You’re entitled to date whoever you like, it’s not like you’ve been married to him for 10 years and he’s suddenly been diagnosed with something! (Which has happened to both me and dh and we’re still together and very happy incidentally). But dating is exactly the time you can afford to be picky, for whatever reason. If he’s a lovely person I’m sure he’ll find someone else. And so will you.

Our likes, and attractions when it comes to dating are not under our control. We're either attracted or we're not.

Many minority communities dont find white populations attractive, height, facial features, body type etc.

These are not prejudices,you cannt force attraction.

Some can't get enough of a big built muscle bound man, but just no. Would I say I am prejudiced against it, no. I don't like it and I therefore wouldn't choose it.

Often men don't like women taller than them, but some men love it.

This just isn't a fit for you, especially understandable given your DMs experience of the same. So sorry.

Don't feel guilty for being you and having your own likes and dislikes. You are allowed. Its important to know what you like and dont.

Sometimes people aren't right for you for whatever reason. I would just say you didn't feel a spark between you to be kind, but I think it is far kinder to walk away and let him find someone else. He will want to be loved for himself, rather than someone forcing something because of his disability :)

Not a horrible person OP, not at all. You don't owe him anything, disability or not. The situation is very sad but you can't fix that for him and not everything sad can be made better, you don't need to look for ways to make it better. If you are interested in a friendship then perhaps pursue that but neither are necessary, treat him respectfully but as you would anyone else. Be kinder to yourself

Jeez, if you've been through a terrible time with your mum with same disability, you'd be mad NOT to swerve this man.
Of course it's not his fault but what you've been through isn't your fault either.
If even his mannerisms remind you of your mum you're never gonna get past seeing her in him.
I'd nip it in the bud now for both your sakes.

Feelings and attraction can be very complex things. You should in no way carry guilt for how you genuinely feel. You are certainly not a horrible person.

I had a vaguely similar experience, but in no way as personal like with your mum, of course. I knew a lovely guy at university and he had Tourette's. He asked me out and I turned him down, and I fully admit it was because of his disability. I knew his condition was something I would not be able to cope with and I felt terrible feeling that way, but it was the truth.

I was once asked out by a handsome guy with a disability. I turned him down because of it. Of course I didn't tell him why. I think you only have a relationship if you like them enough to and they tick all the right boxes. What's the alternative? Force a pretend relationship until you find another reason to break up? Do what's right for you.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

I think I just needed to hear that others would feel the same and it doesn't make me awful!

I will just explain that there was no spark there and move on.