Grumpy OH

[justfornowiguess]

NC for this as feel somehow disloyal to him for coming in here to discuss our relationship but also anxious that I sit just get told to LTB when it's certainly not at that sort of stage as far as I'm concerned.

We've been together 20yrs and although he's never been a ray of sunshine, over the past few years he has got more and more grumpy. This manifests itself in him getting more and more nit picky at me and the kids - 'don't leave that there, it's in the way', eye-rolling, impatience when going out - that sort of thing.

He is never cruel or personal, or gets angry. It's more like we annoy him - a lot, sometimes feeling like we annoy him all of the time.

I tried a couple of years ago to address this with him but it was in the worst possible scenario (family holiday including in-laws and after a lot of wine) which resulted in us not talking for a day or two, which had never happened before. Things got better for a short while, but I don't think he realises how much he does it, or the impact it has on us all. I'm worried the kids will just want to stay out of his way (and therefore mine) as they get older - I think I would!

So - how can I help him see (a) how much he does it and (b) how it feels to be on the receiving end of it without it being some huge argument where he's left feeling wounded and still not understanding the problem?

Counselling might be good in your case where you can explain impact with another person there, is it something he would do?

Sadly no. That was one of the things that came up when we had that huge argument and he said definitely wouldn't do it. Not entirely sure why but I suspect he believes it would be the beginning of the end of the relationship

I'm afraid I agree with what his supposed belief - it would be the beginning of the end. But I think that would be a good thing for you and your children.

Look at the evidence - you and the children are left feeling hurt by his annoyance (dunno why, it's his problem, not yours). And yet he stays, despite feeling annoyed all the time. He doesn't raise issues, just rolls his eyes and controls everyone with his passive aggression.

If he loved and valued your family, he would jump at counselling. But he doesn't. It;s far more convenient to have a wife-bot on tap, and a conventional family.

And don;t feel you have to explain normal adult behaviour and feelings to him - he's an adult, he knows from your argument that he hurt you - and what did he do? Ignored you until you fell into line.

It's really sad you don't value yourself enough to understand that these are more than enough reasons to LTB. but then, that's why he chose you, and that's why your marriage has lasted this long.