My husband and I are like strangers. Angry, resentful, strangers.
We have two young children (3y and 9m) and life is hard. I have no idea if it will ever get better.
Both children are hard work in their own way. DC2 is very a high-needs baby who is also an utterly dreadful sleeper (currently waking hourly and during day needs contact or motion for all naps). DC1 is just a typical three-year-old but never stops talking. Unless asleep or plonked infront of the TV. It is exhausting! The constant barrage of noise, the total lack of peace.
Due to DC2s awful sleep, I am co-sleeping and generally go to bed at the same time as baby. Often if I try to get up once baby is asleep then it wakes her up, so mostly I don't bother and just try and maximise sleep because I am feeling utterly broken. I don't get an evening to myself anymore. DH does majority of bedtime activity for DC1 and I chip in where I can (I try and read at least one story a night as I miss quality time with DC1!). Once DC1 in bed (8pm at very latest usually) DH has the evening to himself to do as he pleases (playing console and drinking wine usually) and gets opportunity for a full night sleep most nights (he only has to get up if DC1 wakes which is probably 25% of nights). DH moans endlessly about doing bedtime activities for DC1, and is so impatient with DC1 at bedtime, which pisses me off. When he's left with the baby, while I read to DC1 he moans about this too, because she's tired at that time and so cries (unless he entertains her). I have tried in the past to do bedtime with both of them together, but it's stressful and not relaxing for anyone (baby cries/fusses, child distracted by baby and can't wind down). I'm not sure if sharing bedtime between both parents is unusual, or if most mums manage to do both children simultaneously?
Basically DH resents "having to do everything" and I resent the fact he doesn't seem to appreciate the opportunity of a full night's sleep and some time to himself in the evening.
I also have to take DC2 off for naps and she naps on me. On the days where I solo parent both children (DH at work and DC1 not at preschool) she has to nap in the carrier or in the car (which involves military planning to make sure she's the right kind of tired!). She's heavy and the carrier is starting to be really uncomfortable so if we are at home for nap time and DH is home too, then I tend to take her upstairs and DH looks after DC1. It's not ideal and I feel guilty about it. But she needs daytime sleep. DH resents this time that I get "to myself" where I am "just sitting there" and it's causing friction. On the flip side I miss spending quality time with DC1 and feel guilty for the time I spend helping DC2 nap. I'd love to be able to put her down for naps and walk away but I don't know how to reach that point. Often when I am doing a nap DH just sticks the TV on for DC1 and sits looking at his phone, which annoys me as I try to only use TV when I need to get something done and need to occupy DC1 for a period of time to enable that.
DH also annoyed that DC2 wants me and he can't soothe her. IMO this is because he never bothered trying to soothe her when she was small, just handed her to me immediately. He used to get pissy about having to stand up to hold her to stop her crying (too much effort!) which sums up his level of input when she was a tiny baby.
Our house is also a mess! I feel guilty about this as I am at home 3 days a week with only baby, but after naps, feeding her, errands out of the house, etc. I find myself running out of time to do things around the house, and so it builds up and becomes and impossible task. I do try though! But usually end up running around frantically trying to catch up as much as possible, while baby cries (she's high-needs as I mentioned). I'm utterly exhausted from lack of sleep and doing my best, but feel like I am failing. DH does the majority of the cooking, and makes preschool lunches for DC1, but again it's clear he resents this. We have recently re-jigged things so we eat dinner before the children go to bed, so I can help with the cooking a bit more (and so dinner is done and out of the way). We share grocery shopping and I normally go for a biggish shop during the week with the baby and DH does a top up or two. Although I will concede that he does all the planning where food and groceries are concerned, which is great.
I don't really know what the solution is. It feels like we are constantly bickering and angry with each other (and I worry about the impact on the children of this!). Like this morning we were tidying the kitchen (which seems a neverending task!) and I washed up some dishes and managed to annoy DH in the process (because I was "in his way" and also I should have just put everything into the dishwasher - although there was too much to fit and there was a lot of stuff that wasn't very dirty so I just gave it a quick wash, but it was like the end of the world and he stormed off).
I'm so fed up of living like this. DH clearly resents me and feels like he is doing the majority of the "work" and that this isn't fair. I resent the fact he is always complaining that he is tired (he'll go for a nap during the day given any opportunity!) when he has ample opportunity to sleep, and I look after DC2 all night. We don't get any quality time together really, and any conversations we have are constantly interrupted by DC1. I often feel like I can't hear myself think and I know DH feels the same. I am snappier with the DC than I like, because I am just utterly exhausted, touched out, and spread so thin. Everything feels awful. I don't know how to make it better. I just needed to get this out because I feel like my head is going to explode!