Never a second/third time?

[User200019]

I am unable to properly get on board with second or third dates. Even if it’s gone well the first time and I have enjoyed it, I am really cagey about meeting a second or third time. I will be messaged by someone to say they really want to meet again, that they had a great time, then I will suddenly go off the idea!!! If they didn’t message I would be more likely to want to see them again.

A friend has asked whether it’s because I’m not really that into them but that’s not what it is...I’ve met far too many people to statistically not have wanted to meet any for at least a second time and actually, while on the first date, I’ve been really wanting to meet them again. Once they ask, I’m half hearted about it.

I am going to have therapy but on a waiting list. I know there’s probably a mindset shift I need to make here. But in the meantime I have three lovely people wanting to meet me again and I’m quite frankly scared to/have become not interested. But in a way I am interested...it confuses me so much.

I have had relationships in the past but nothing significant for about 6 years. The last relationships I met naturally which is probably why this wasn’t a problem. There’s no way (it’s very unlikely) I will meet someone outside online dating as my days are packed with work and hobbies.

Can anyone help?

Can you tell yourself that when you were with this person you did actually want to see them again. That you know this is a pattern where you suddenly change your mind.

And then just say yes! And do it. Make yourself. Even if you really do feel unsure. Tell yourself it's only a few hours of your life .

Make yourself try it and see if it works out.

I don't see what else you can do! Hopefully you will enjoy the second date and not go off the idea of a third and will willingly go

I always tell people on a first date that I don't like texting and small talk much, so that I'm under no pressure to converse loads. Then organise a 2nd date quickly. And something you actually want to do anyway.

So you're one of those women who wants a "bad boy" who doesn't message you or ask you out again after a great first date? Bore off. This is a manufactured "problem". Classic attention seeking. Grow up.

Really helpful of you @On3Mor3Try.

I think you are scared of being hurt OP. Therapy might help you find out why you don't want to go on more dates.

Could also be a problem with self esteem. If you don't like/love yourself you may think less of people that like and are attracted to you. Definitely worth exploring this in therapy.

Are you anxious about intimacy - it happening/not happening, or worried about the man possibly expecting it at a certain point?

I love intimacy but the thought terrifies me before the first time. Once the first kiss is over with I am fine.

It might well be a manufactured problem. I am scared of getting hurt but no more than the next person I don’t think?

I have two lovely men wanting to date me and I am turned off by their eagerness to meet. I really want to settle down too. Maybe it is a case of getting on with it and pushing past the uncomfortable feeling.

For example this one person, since our date last Friday, has text me each day (I’ve responded) and then asked if I fancied a phone call one eve. I accepted and we chatted. He then organised this weekend’s date and asked me yesterday whether i was still free. I said yes.

All these things feel full on to me but my friends tell me it is just him being nice!

I think you’re scared about getting your hopes up, if you really want to settle down. I think give them more of a chance, as the sort of person who is keeping in touch and moving things forward (without love bombing) is more likely to be the type interested in a long term relationship.