Not in love with my husband

[Confused866]

I’m just looking for experiences really if anyone has been in this situation... been married for 6 years, 2 young dc. I’m not in love with my husband like I should be. We get along and parent well together and I love him as someone I’ve spent a lot of years with and the father of my dc and he is a good man but I don’t love him like I should. I don’t want to kiss him, I don’t feel romantic towards him. Until recently we have maintained a sex life and I can kind of compartmentalise that but I’m limited as to what I can do with him as anything too intimate feels a bit wrong, like kissing, looking into his eyes, being really affectionate etc. He is a good looking man but I don’t feel any desire for him.

If I’m truly honest with myself it was never really there to begin with, I convinced myself that the lack of spark didn’t matter because butterflies and desire don’t last anyway and he was perfect in so many other ways and I did love him. The last couple of years though it’s started to eat away at me a bit that I feel I’m living a bit of a lie and I’m sad to think of living the rest of my life in a relationship that’s not truly fulfilling. The worst bit is that he does love me in ‘the right way’ and makes it clear he fancies me etc. I feel like such an awful person right now and I sway between thinking I need to end it for both our sakes and then thinking it’s not fair to break his heart and break up the family just so I can maybe one day find a partner who makes me happier. It feels so selfish.

Please go easy on me, I’m not looking to be told I’m a terrible person for marrying him, I already feel like that.

You're not a terrible person for marrying him but you need to break it off so you can both have the authentic lives you deserve.

Unless he's a complete bonehead he would have picked up on this for sure and it will be grinding his self esteem to dust even if he doesn't show it.

Be kind to both of you and rip of the plaster before it gets worse x

I dont think you are terrible at all. I think this is a common situation to be honest. He’ll probably sense you are not happy. If your DCs are quite young its may be better to end it sooner rather than later as it will be more amicable and easier for them to adjust. You’ll both be better fulfilled. Have you had any chats at all about how you feel?

I think this is common & many people settle for someone in order to get the lifestyle/things out of life they want ie stability, children, financial ease, dependability. The problem is when you pick someone you never felt a real spark for in order to have the life you want, what seems to often happen is after you get the things you want, you become dissatisfied with the partnership. While at first them being more keen on you felt comfortable & reliable. Now if feels suffocating & the intimacy irks you. It’s your body’s way of telling you this person isn’t a match.

It comes down to the old saying “having what you want VS wanting what you have.” You acknowledge you never wanted him for him unless he was going to provide you with the life you envisioned right ? If he has infertile & poor would he be the person you’d still have thought was a great love ? Well no & that is ok. What is not ok is to justify having given him the short end of the s UFO by claiming it is selfish to break his heart & leave him. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to experience the profound intimacy of being genuinely mutually in love at least once in their life. You have never given him that. Do you not think you both deserve happiness ? Or just yourself ? You say you are not happy but your situation is likely comfortable & reliable which is a key factor in why you really won’t leave.

Short end of the stick - not UFO !

Thanks for the replies and not tearing me to shreds! You are all right and I know it deep down that it’s not fair on either of us. I just feel so guilty for breaking up the family and if I decide to do that how on earth am I going to explain it to our family and friends? From the outside everyone thinks we are a perfect family. I think everyone will hate me and think I’ve lost my mind.
He knows I’m not happy right now, we’ve had a rough few months with arguments and me being distant (because I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings)

It's not breaking up a family, it's just changing the dynamics.

You deserve to be happy, op.

Given that you seemed to consciously settle here then I'm not feeling so generous towards you as other posters. However I agree you need to leave him so he can be happy. But be prepared that he is going to be very upset and angry that his whole relationship with you has been a lie.

You need to think hard about a fair settlement and how you will co-parent with him. Be decent in this.

I also disagree that it isn't breaking up a family. That's the kind of blasé bullshit said by people who haven't been through a difficult divorce.

Sorry I can't offer words of comfort but this will hurt you, him and your kids. At least if you do it now he will have time to find someone who really loves him and the kids will have time to adjust to (most likely) no longer living with their father regularly and only seeing him for a limit period of time.

You really don’t need to be in love with your husband/wife. It’s a domestic partnership which is about much more than being in love. Of course being in love can help you get along well and also to be forgiving when things go wrong but it’s not essential.

On a very fundamental level these feelings don’t last for everyone. Some people can’t come to terms with their feelings. If you are one of these people then I suppose you will need to leave him. But feelings aside you have a good life. You parent well together, you love each other, you seem to make a good team. It seems foolish to throw that away over a lack of a feeling.

I would explore possible causes for it first like depression, hormonal contraceptives etc. Then have an honest discussion with him and work out what you will do. The worst thing you could do to him now is to just turn away from him altogether. If you can’t fix it then deal with it together. It’s less hurtful when the decision is mutual.

I think you should feel guilty for knowingly marrying and then having kids with someone you know you dont love the right way.

Anyway, if it was never there in the first place and he is a nice bloke and he is attractive then it's never going to appear. So the best thing is to free him up and let him find someone that has the right feelings for him.

Have you ever been in love or had the right feelings for someone?

I have sat and had the exact same conversation with a very old male friend of mine. He has picked up the fact that his wife is acting like you are acting. He is burying his head and continuing on as normal but it is tearing him apart. He can sense his wife is not that into him anymore, he senses the sex is perfunctory, he senses she is zoning out. He is acting as normal as he can be and still is attracted to his wife as he was before. It is starting to kill him inside as the arguments are starting. So, if you think your husband doesn't know or is picking up on this then think again. It is slowing chipping away at one of my closest friends. I have also had the other side of the coin and sat and talked to the wife and she has said exactly the same as you and doesn't think he notices. I suggested to them both that marriage is hard, you need to work at it, this may be a phase that your marriage is going through and dont throw it all away because you want the Cinderella story. That isn't going to happen. I urge you to reconsider looking within yourself and find what it is that you can't give yourself and keep looking outward for. You are lucky to have such a lovely man in your life....perhaps some personal counselling may help find yourself and what you can give to yourself before making any big decisions and leaving....throwing your marriage away may be the biggest mistake you will make.

God it is selfish to avoid doing something just because you don’t like facing up to feelings of guilt & judgement from society. you don’t want to look like the bad guy who broke up their family. This is what you wanted, this is a natural consequence of your decision making process. It is braver to own up to mistakes than to be a coward who is too scared to look bad. Own your feelings! Stand on your own two feet! The way you describe him it is very conceited of you to assumed he is incapable of doing better than what you can offer him.

Ignore people who are giving you a hard time OP. What's done is done and nothing can change that and it isn't helpful to be told you are a bad person.

A LOT of people go into relationships like this. It's extremely common. I have been there and carried on trying to ignore it. It didn't work and the feelings just built up and got worse. I've never voiced them to my ex as I wouldn't want to hurt him more than the divorce has. But ultimately I couldn't keep living like that and looking back, I can see what it did to my MH. My DCs are older now and the divorce has been more difficult on them than had they been younger.

You only get 1 life and you deserve to be happy too, as does your DH who probably does know something isn't right.

Perhaps you can learn a way to spend your life without passion or attraction?

Learn to hide the recoil as he comes in to touch you?

This is your life. Your only one.

You need to leave him. My ex husband felt this way about me for a long time before he left. The thing I found most hurtful was the amount of time he said he'd not loved me. I feel like he stole time away from me that I could have been happy with someone else who did love me.

The reality is you chose him. You still love him. I don't understand why people are giving you advice to take the most extreme action (to spilt up) before trying to make it work. Please seek support together, through couples counselling before you make any further decisions. All relationships can be mediocre, lust fades very quickly regardless of who you're with and I just think you could give him the chance at continued happiness with you before destroying the man you say you still love and ripping your family apart. Sorry to sound brutal but this is what will happen if you take disproportionate action and walk out of all the hard-earned things you've both done together. Think very carefully about your next move. There's a lot to be said for a good, reliable marriage and a lasting trust with a true friend who's got your back. You've got so much happiness already. You are very lucky x

There's no "right' way to love someone. The fact that he's a good parent and you get along means a lot! Saying leave because you don't want to kiss enough is batshit crazy in my opinion. Family is more than sex. Think it through carefully, op. You married him for a reason. Maybe not a Hollywood movie reason, but a real reason. That reason probably still applies.

Hmmm I could have written that OP but, and it's a big but, all may not be lost. First of all, have you actually sat down and spoken with him about it? Having two young kids is hard work and the concentration is on them rather than you both as a couple.
I've been on a bit of a soul search these last few months trying to figure out what's missing in my life. I now realise it's emotional attachment from the right sources. I never had it from my mum, or my first husband and now DH2 is on a warning. Yes I made the choice to marry him and have his children knowing something wasn't quite right (he's always been emotionally detached and as a consequence our sex life has faltered but that's just one manifestation). However I can only do 50% of the emotion in our relationship. Anything else would be imbalanced. I have told him this. There are changes he can make which will save our marriage but only he can make them.

Your relationship sounds like it's got a lot of good foundations but you need to talk to him about it. Only you and he know yourselves. You cannot up and leave without giving him a chance. He may be treading on eggshells around you wondering what he's doing wrong. You need to get a babysitter and get some space with him to have a proper talk. It may be that there is not enough spark to keep you but you must talk and communicate first and not just use it as an excuse to move on. I wish you both the very best x

I sympathise but think you need to communicate with him first and have couples counselling. Do not throw this marriage away for the idea of a fairytale without properly looking into why you are feeling this way. It will seem really random. A friend’s DH did this out of the blue and it was rightly quite shocking to his DW and those around them. That is not to say people should stay in marriages that make them unhappy.

You need to finally be honest with him, and set him free to find somebody who will find him attractive and truly want to be with him.

Deep down, wherever he's trying to hide it from himself, he'll know that you actually aren't all that into him. And that will be gradually eating away at his self-confidence. What you're doing is pretty cruel - holding onto him for the sake of convenience, despite not really wanting him. You're wasting years of his life.

Time to be honest. Maybe not fully honest (you really will destroy him if you tell him it was never really there), but honest enough about how you feel now. He deserves to find someone who will value him for who he is.

And you also deserve to meet someone you're happy with. But, please - next time remember that you are dealing with a human being, with their own needs and who deserves to make decisions about their life based on the truth, and not lies. If it isn't there, don't fool someone into believing it is - they're not your plaything.

I could have written your post word for word.

Looking back, he was my only healthy relationship - because I chose him as a father, not a partner - unconsciously.

We actually ende when he outright asked me 'do you still oove me' and I had to say, 'not the way I should.'

He wanted to work on it - and we did go to Relate. But Relate ended up helping us decide to divorce, and him to move on.

We are now really good friends still, my ex is my emergency contact because of our son. His wife is a lovely friend and I am so glad my son has her and his step-brother (that they both consider simply brother - they were so young when they met). Our son loves having two famiies to love him.

I didn;t know it then, but my decision led to far more happiness for everyone.

ChristmasFluff thank you for your reply, it’s helpful and I’m glad things have worked out for you.

To clarify for people who are looking at it in a very black and white way, I didn’t get married thinking I was just using him and completely faking any feelings, that’s crazy. I loved him and we get on well and made each other happy, it’s just I never had that ‘want to rip your clothes off’ feeling with him. I convinced myself that it didn’t matter and it was a shallow thing to worry about and that all his other qualities were much more important. What I couldn’t predict was that over time that void of missing attraction has grown and become more of an issue for me, rather than less, as I expected it to. I’m only early 30’s and it’s sad to think I’ll never kiss someone again with passion or have true intimacy. I equally feel sadness and guilt about depriving him of that as well so I’m worried about his feelings as much as mine. But of course there are a lot of reasons to stay and live with the decision I made (which was honestly made with the best of intentions). It’s very confusing.

Also, I know people are saying I should be honest with him but how do you actually say to your loving husband ‘I don’t fancy you, I don’t want to kiss you or be intimate with you’ - it seems so incredibly brutal and once it is said then there’s no coming back from that is there? All the counselling in the world can’t create attraction if it’s not there?

I've been your husband OP. The things you've written here are the things I was eventually told by my ex wife.

I'd suggest, firstly, that you end it sooner rather than later, because if you don't you'll end up resenting him and will start finding fault to justify your unhappiness. Secondly, try saying you don't love him the right way any more - not that you never did.

The words "marrying you was a compromise" will stick with me for a while.

If it's any consolation, your situation really isn't that uncommon - I know as I ended up here looking for an understanding and there's a slow but steady stream of "my husband's good man, but there was never a spark" type threads.

And, whilst I have been put off relationships for now, other areas of my life post split have actually improved.

It's not going to be easy, but he already has his suspicions and you're already miserable, so it's only heading one way.

Also, I know people are saying I should be honest with him but how do you actually say to your loving husband ‘I don’t fancy you, I don’t want to kiss you or be intimate with you’ - it seems so incredibly brutal and once it is said then there’s no coming back from that is there? All the counselling in the world can’t create attraction if it’s not there?

Well, if you aren't prepared to work on your relationship then it is Hobson's choice. You either plunge the dagger in or kill him with a thousand cuts as you denial of intimacy and affection grind him down. I know it is horrible but that is where you are.

Tbh I wish my mum and dad had split up earlier than they did. I feel guilty when they say they only stayed together so long for me and my brother.

Inevitably one had an affair and that instigated the divorce but they'd been unhappy for a good 10/15 years previous to that anyway.

If they'd split up sooner they would both have had the most possible time to meet someone else and we wouldn't all have had to live in a tense household.

You aren't terrible at all and it sounds like you have tried to make things work because you love him as a person in different ways.

Too many people feel the way you do but wait for someone to turn their head and then have to agonise over an affair / etc.

You owe it to yourself and him to find authentic happiness and you can still be brilliant parents just not together romantically.

Don't think of it as just breaking his heart, it's also giving him the opportunity to meet someone who reciprocates his feelings.

Sorry OP it's shit but will be so much better to make a decision before a third party may muddy the waters