Being ignored again

[Rumo1234]

I was just congratulating myself the other day that it’s a good 2 years since last bad patch that I blamed on DH old job
But out of now where, he says I was rude and aggressive having a discussion about cars- I think he was being a bit dismissive and so maybe I was.
Except he gets cross
It’s all my fault
I’m the one who started the argument and was rude
He’s blameless
And it escalated as usual
Always all my fault
And now I’m being ignored
I wish I could walk away
Being ignored rips out my insides
At least I’m not self harming this time
But I’m so fed up with it
Unless I have to go and accept all the blame and all the argument is me as always
Otherwise I’ll be ignored
For days

Do you want to leave? It's very shit way to behave towards someone.

Can you just leave?

The rest of the time we are really happy
But when we argue
It’s always all my fault
I always get ignored
I always wish I could run away- I have 2 sons
Honestly it eats me up from the inside
He will be sweetness and light to t boys
And carry on ignoring me until I can be nice and apologise
I think it takes 2 to argue
Maybe I’m just that horrible

It’s not you, op. It’s him.

Does he think this is the adult, mature way to deal with a disagreement? He’s abusive. Ignoring you is abusive.

And childish.

A good relationship does not make you self-harm.

So he's abusive and rude then.
What does he say if you point out how rude and childish ignoring someone is?
What does he say when you point out it can't be One parties fault all the time and if it was the other party would leave?
Why hasn't he left if it's all your fault?
What does he say when you point out he's full of shit and making you feel like crap?

Have you tried "when you're ready to apologise for sulking and setting a terrible example for the boys feel free to come find me".
Practise it in your head until you can say it with conviction. If he acts like a child, you talk to him like a child

I think the MN phrase is Never apologise, Never defend and Never justify yourself to a complete prick of a man with an attitude problem. But I might be paraphrasing that

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

It’s all very ‘when you can be nice and apologise I’ll talk to you but I’m not talking to you when you’re aggressive’
Never accepts that it’s 2 people bickering. I snap bc he was being dismissive
An utterly pointless argument and he snaps and totally ignores me , over really nothing
I told him last time I can’t bear to be shut out but I guess he’s forgotten
I can’t stand it
But it’s his house and he adores kids
He will never leave
I don’t want to either but I absolutely despair being ignored for days

My marriage was like this. It made me self harm too. It’s incredibly damaging. I don’t think it’s all your fault OP.

If you're married, you have an equal claim on the house and any other marital assets.

Put a small elastic band on your wrist and ping it if your thoughts turn to self-harming.

As I see it, you have 3 choices:

1. Continue appeasing the angry god by sacrificing your integrity so that you can live in relative harmony with him.

1. Leave him to sulk and go about your business as you would normally do. Should you be required to address him use a pleasant tone and, if he doesn't reply, let his pig-ignorant rudeness wash over you and resist the urge to make a cutting remark or 10.

1. As his behaviour has given you umpteen grounds for divorce, file your petition online or instruct a solicitor to file for you, and look forward to being free of him.

How very controlling and manipulating of him!

Have you heard of the adult, parent, child relationship model? Basically don't take the role of a child being told off to match his chosen role of controlling parent. Instead continue to talk to him as normal, when he doesn't respond ask normal adult questions "can you answer please". Most adults revert back to being adults at this point.

If he persists you will need to leave as together you not showing your DCs a healthy relationship. Separated from him you can show your DC an adult being an adult - you!

It’s just such a dreadful thing to have done to you
It’s horrible
Thank you all for being so nice bc I feel unutterably awful

He wants you to feel awful, that's not love or support it's control. Name it and face it. You are a fully capable person and did not get to the position of self-harming alone.

Can you identify trusted people in real life who you can say you need help to move on?

My DH used to be like this, his second marriage and the first (I gather) was very much a battle of stubbornness most of the time! I made it clear early on that I don't do ignoring or grudges and used to 'apologise' with the strapline that I was only doing so to move on. Also told him that every time he did this, my love for him decreased a little & I could only go so far before I gave up & left. My approach to arguments (& his huffing) is always "is this serious enough to break us up? If not, can we please sort it out & move on?" He's finally getting it after 22 years together & 13 married & hardly ever huffs anymore!!

He hasn't forgotten, he knows you don't like it. That's why he's doing it: it's the quickest way to bring you to heel. He's training you to behave as he wants you to.

I have experienced this. My ex had a black look, he had lines he would say to make me hate myself. It's horrible when you physically hurt yourself to let emotional pain out. I felt ashamed and low, but moving on with a new life I am better and want others in the same position to get out. Mental health matters too!

Sorry - that sounds v smug, absolutely not intended & I feel your pain and it's totally unacceptable behaviour. Just was sharing my experience in case it helps! X

When I felt as you do now I would go in to the front room and see you husband lying there laughing at some tv shoe with his feet up and I knew that he felt good and I was reeling and he knew it and he felt good.

If you can relate to that then consider your marriage carefully.

Sorry I’d see my husband lying there laughing at some tv show.

It’s taken me this long to figure that it’s a really mean way to behave.
How can it be that he’s always blameless and every single time it’s my fault.
If I’m so horrible and argumentative I may as well leave
Thank you again everyone for your helpful comments
It’s the only thing getting me through the evening :((((

It's taken time for you to see it as you are normal and not a scheming and controlling type. You blame yourself because healthy people reflect on their behaviour and can feel guilt as you know something is wrong.

BUT you are not in the wrong for being manipulated, he is in the wrong for manipulating you.

You need to imagine a friend in your position, would you think it was her fault or she was bad, or would you give her a hug and try to help her get out?