Need support to leave an abusive relationship...

[FollowingAmirage]

So, I just need support to leave an abusive relationship. Mostly coercion/control but had very close encounters with physical violence (throwing/ breaking objects). Due to the nature of the abuse I have very little social support around me and I am just scared of what lays ahead... I’ve worked really hard to gain my financial independence and some sense of identity but living in the south East is not cheap and I will struggle to keep a roof and food on the table for three hangry kids!

Anyone been there and got their freedom after a long abusive relationship... I have been on this relationship for over a decade constantly following a ‘dream’, a ‘promise’ that has never materialised...please advise! Any words of support or wisdom will be gratefully received...

Hi OP, sorry to hear what you have been through. I've been there myself and I'm on the 'other side' so I can tell you that it is possible to leave your husband and move forward with your life (even if it is a different life to the one you imagined).

The first thing I would recommend is speaking to Women's Aid and your local domestic abuse service. They can offer you practical support and guidance. I'd also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?' it will help you understand some of the patterns of abusive behaviour you might be seeing in your relationship, as well as giving you advice on how to stay safe: www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

My Ex was controlling and emotionally/financially abusive, but there were episodes of physical violence as well (mostly towards the end when he sensed his 'control' over me was slipping). Breaking or throwing objects is intimidating behaviour which is designed to frighten you, by damaging objects in front of you he is displaying his physical power to demonstrate what he could do to you if you pushed him far enough.

Has he ever physically harmed you, prevented you from leaving a room or intimidated you in any other way? Is he emotionally or verbally abusive? Do you have access to money for yourself and the children? How do you think he might react if you asked him to leave?

Remember, there is plenty of support out there for you and this man is unlikely to change. The good periods are designed to keep you in the relationship but he will revert to type eventually and the abuse will continue. It's good to see that you have identified this for yourself and you have realised that the side of him you love is really just an act designed to deceive you.

What is your housing situation? Are you renting or do you own your own home? Do you/your husband work? How old are your children? Do you have any family members or friends that could offer you support?

Thanks so much for the prompt reply. To answer some of your questions: yes, he threatened to divorce me and take the kids more times than I can remember (until he realised his threats weren’t working anymore, especially since I am the primary carer). He threatened that if I leave the house/room this will happen :( I had no were to go with a small baby and no money (at the beginning of the relationship) and being younger than him/laking self-esteem and suffering from MH issues made it harder....so I have put up with a lot for the sake of the kids...but now that the kids are slightly older (range 3 to 12) and them just like me Walking on eggshells when their dad is around and saying that dad is ‘always angry’...it made made me realise what a big mistake I made for not leaving early!

We both work (he earns a lot more than me) lets just say that what he earns in few days I earn in a month! But we contribute equally to the mortgage (bought a house on 50/50 ownership only recently). All childcare costs comes from my pay (as it was my choice to work!). We have a joint account where food/bills comes from but to be honest I am scared of using it since I have been interrogated over spending silly amounts (mostly food and second hand clothes for the kids) very sad as they could have better things but we just put up with very little...
I don’t have family nearby or close friends that can offer support hence turning to social media (I have few good friends from my days at uni but I haven’t seen/spoken to them in years) and we just don’t see anyone on weekends plus we moved house almost every years in the past 10 years or so...

I left a similar relationship a month ago we have a one year old.The Ehy does he do that book (recommended upthrrad)is really good. I would speak to your local branch of women’s aid. It is quite hard to get through to the national domestic violence helpline but locks services are easier to talk to.

Reading through the book...thanks so much for sharing! Xx

I was 6yrs in and 2yrs free at Christmas time.

Financial prep is great but considering your mental health and social support is essential too.

It didn't hit me how isolated and sad I was until after a couple of nights alone in my new flat.

You've made the hardest decision already- all the best going forward

Also- you'll be surprised at how people will rally round and help if you are honest and ask. Some friends I hadn't seen for years really helped me and never once made me feel guilty for not putting up more of an effort to stay in touch.

Thanks Siablue for your messages...I hope you are in a good place now. Working my way through the book....and Oh my god, I wish I read that earlier! Thank you ladies...

I’m glad you are reading the book. It really is eye opening. I think it would be a good idea to speak to someone about the abuse so you have evidence of it when you leave in case he tries to do anything nasty.
You can talk to your GP or health visitor and the local beach of women’s aid if there is one. They might be able to arrange free legal advice and can help you with things like applying for universal credit.
Do you have any family you can tell?

I am doing a lot better now that I am away. I do still feel incredibly anxious as my ex kept threatening to take my son but the more I am away the less power he has over me.

I have told my family but they are very far from were I live, so they can't really help. I have spoke to GP/Women's aid before but I think I need to go and see them again.

My biggest worry is that things might turn nasty if I take steps to leave (and I will also struggle financially - big time!). Can he just deny all abuse and delay/stop divorce. He has plenty of money to pay legal fees, can he get custody/not pay maintenance etc. I need to find out more about this side of things as I will have a long battle to fight!

I just feel like I have been in an open air prison for the last 10+ years and just need my freedom back...