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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anxiety has ruined everything

18 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 11/10/2019 20:21

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted on and off about my relationship with my ex over the last few years, and finally realised the reason things haven’t worked out is because of his crippling anxiety.

A bit of background, we met a while ago. Dated, had a great connection. But he had plans to move to Australia when we met, we agreed to see how things went and go from there. I fell pregnant, and he left a few months later to live in Australia as originally planned. Nightmare obviously.

I brought up my DD on my own, asking for nothing from him. Zoom forward 5 years, we’ve been in contact for a couple of years now. He met her briefly when he visited last year, now he is coming back at Christmas and spending some time with us.

I will always feel an amazing connection with my ex and I think he feels it too. I know what he did was wrong beyond words. But he has suffered with anxiety for many years, and I see a pattern in his life. He says he will do something, and then over thinks it and panics and then try’s to run.

Inside I would love us to be together, but I don’t know if he can overcome his issues.

Anyone with experiences of being with someone with anxiety?

OP posts:

grecianurn82 · 11/10/2019 20:40

Sorry, this probably isn't what you want to hear but I have anxiety, so does my girlfriend. She is on medication for it. I try to manage mine with counselling and cbt. Neither of us would ever dream of walking away from our children. You cant pass this behaviour off as being anxiety. And even if it is he has had 5 years to get help and face up to things.

yawnhedehihi · 11/10/2019 20:43

Anxiety doesn't cause a person not to pay for their child or not be an active parent.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 11/10/2019 20:52

I’ve spoken to his dad, and he uses avoidance techniques. Which isn’t ideal. But yes I think he is just irresponsible and you’re right, it has nothing to do with anxiety. He just doesn’t want to grow up.

OP posts:

grecianurn82 · 11/10/2019 21:20

I use avoidance a lot. I hate going to the hairdresser, I dont know why but I do. My anxiety is through the roof even making an appointment. I haven't been for 3 years and my hair is a state. But if my kids need me I'm there in a second. Things like school events, parent and toddler group etc make me feel physically I'll, I have been sick before attending things because I've been so anxious. But I still force myself, my kids come before anything.

Fantie · 11/10/2019 21:24

He’s just a man child. Why would you even think about wanting to be with him when he’s had nothing to do with his own child for so long!

Bouledeneige · 11/10/2019 21:54

I have an ex who had anxiety. He walked out on his marriage and child because he couldn't cope with a baby. He suffered from anxiety and MH issues though he could present as charismatic and kind. But actually the kindness was only for show.

But actually he was a total mess and a narc and I was so relieved when I got out of the relationship. He could do nothing but focus on himself and couldn't cope with someone else's needs and feelings - something was arrested in his development, He was a man child.

You have one child - don't acquire another. Don't romanticise who he is - he's just got nothing to offer you, it's beyond him. You are better off without him.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 22:02

I'm struggling to understand op. He planned to go to oz.you fell pregnant, he went anyway, generally this would be down to selfishness and being a rather shitty person,,,not anxiety...

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 22:03

Does he not even provide financially for her?

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 11/10/2019 22:15

Boule, my ex sounds very much like yours. Thanks for the wake up call.

No he doesn’t provide financially.

I’m not entirely sure how to feel about him coming to see us for a few days over Christmas, I want to do the right thing by By DD.

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 12/10/2019 10:01

Ah Cherry - well take care of yourself. Keep a bit of your guard up. He might be fine for short periods but unless he's seriously addressed his mental health issues he's not going to be able to 'do' relationships in a meaningful way. My ex was very handsome, charismatic, quirky and funny. I got swept up in that. He did a lot of kind things for people where it could be seen by others.

He was unable to care about my feelings and got angry when I needed to lean on him and found him wanting. It was all about him and I think he was genuinely damaged in childhood (an only child, with a Dad who died young. He had stories about how unfair it was that he was poor when young). I should have been warned by the fact that he had run away from his child and her mother.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 12/10/2019 15:52

Boulde, wow. Your ex sounds identical to mine. Handsome, charismatic, the list goes on. But totally broken. Selfish above everything, but he also had a kind side which I saw when we were together and I feel deep inside he would like to be with us. But his issues get in the way.

Sounds like there is no hope..

OP posts:

Tableclothing · 12/10/2019 16:01

Avoidance is a strategy that stops an anxious person feeling anxious for a (very) short time, but makes anxiety worse in the long run. Anxiety is actually one of the most treatable mental health conditions, and CBT works a treat. The cornerstone of treatment for anxiety is graded exposure, which is basically the opposite of avoidance. (It is graded exposure though, starting small and building up gradually to increase confidence, not chucking people in at the deep end).

All this is by the by, though. Your ex has never been a good dad, tbh I'd want to see months and months of sustained effort from him before I believed he might have changed.

Am I right in deducing that your DD is now 5? Does she know who her dad is? I'd be very concerned about him flitting into her life for a few days over Christmas and then abandoning her all over again, especially as it doesn't sound like she's old enough to understand what's going on.

STCM654 · 12/10/2019 16:09

Don't let your DD think that all she's worth is some twat who rocks up at Xmas & cries anxiety whenever he doesn't fancy doing something

yellowallpaper · 12/10/2019 16:23

He can't feel much of a connection with you and his child to just walk away. You are a fool (sorry) to waste time on someone like this

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 12/10/2019 16:40

She knows his is her dad yes. They have regular FaceTime chats. And she has met him once.

He is coming for three weeks, but I carefully whittled this down to him seeing her for a couple of days. For that exact reason. I don’t want her to get too attached for him to just leave. However it’s still important they spend time together.

He seems to just not like himself, weird about mirrors (despite being incredibly good looking), no long term relationships. He has more than anxiety, but I don’t know what it is...I just know it’s more severe than that alone. Maybe on the autism spectrum.

OP posts:

STCM654 · 12/10/2019 16:54

Who gives a shit what he has? Look at the behaviours

STCM654 · 12/10/2019 16:55

And more importantly the effects of the behaviours on your DD! A few FaceTime calls and a single visit won't be building her self esteem

ChristmasFluff · 12/10/2019 17:15

It's amazing how many shady people use mental health as an excuse for poor behaviour. It's a slur on people who behave well despite severe mental illness to say that behaving poorly is down to mental illness.

Thomas Szasz is well out of favour now - but his premise that mental illness is no excuse for poor behaviour, and that even mentally ill people need to take responsibility for their actions is not without value, especially in situations like this.

I've worked in mental health, and most people have great remorse for things they've done even during completely psychotic episodes (schizophrenia etc), where they really had totally lost touch with reality.

Yet someone like this guy gets to cry 'but...ANXIETY!!' and he gets a free pass for behaving abominably. Presumably he gets anxiety when opening his wallet too??

Mental illness, as PPs have pointed out, does not create a deficiency in decent behaviour.

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