Dating as single mum who doesn't want more children

[Treesinthewind]

I'm a very newly-single mum of a 3 year old, so this isn't going to be happening any time soon, but I'm worried that when I am looking for a new relationship, it's going to be an issue that I don't want more children (can't handle the anxiety of pregnancy again). I'm 35, so it feels like a lot of potential partners might not have had kids yet. Are there men out there who don't want their own children but would get together with someone who did? Am I being overly worried? This all feels very scary and unknown! (I'm also grieving the fact that I'm not going to have the experience of having a baby in a good relationship as I come to terms with the fact that my last one was very damaged/damaging).

Let's hope so! I'm 30 and neither have nor want any and it's hard enough to find a man without factoring that in.

I read that women are actually more likely than men to not want children! But hopefully there are plenty of men who feel the same.

Well there's only one way to find out.
Make it clear from the outset that you do not ever want any more children.
See what happens.
I'm sure there are plenty of men out there at 35, who already have children and don't want any more!

I was 30 when I met my partner, he was 35. I had 2 children. He had 1. We knew we didn't want more. Despite family expecting us over the last 7 years to change our minds, we have stuck with it and are happy with our joint family of teens.

Most men aren't as broody as some women IMO, so they're less likely to be bothered. I think if you look on some dating sites such as plentyoffish (could be wrong, but one site or another) the basic profile says whether or not the person wants kids. so you can tell at a glance whether it'll be an issue for them or not in some cases, and just aim for the ones that say they don't want any more kids. xx

I did this, I'm now 41, have an 18yr old and have been with someone for 13yrs, he doesn't have children.

It worked for me! But I am with a man who has already had kids (quite a bit older than me - but many men my age or even younger would already have had kids too).

Slightly harder if you specifically want a man who doesn’t have AND doesn’t want kids (I’m not clear if this is the case) - but I still imagine they are out there......

Has never been an issue for me.
I comes up very early when discussing who's place to go. Kids get mentioned and I am honest I don't want any more. He then has a decision to continue or walk away.

DP is early 40s and definitely doesn't want children. Ex is similar age and I don't think he does either. I reckon a lot of men around that age are done with having children ad they'll then be in their 60's before they're finished.

I've been on and off dating for the last year I'm 36. I have a six year old. I do not at all ever want more children. I pretty much raise it on a first date if I click with someone. No point going further if that's a huge sticking point.
One guy thanked me for my honesty but said he wanted a couple of kids. We had a few drinks and went our separate ways.
Been dating a guy for six months now. He definitely doesn't want them. Established that on date one and when realised we were getting on brilliantly just had a confirm that's the case conversation after a couple of months.
There are guys out there that don't want them. :)

You will most likely be meeting men late 30s early 40s, and quite likely to be divorced. And quite likely to be parents already.
When I joined an introduction agency I was told to not mention wanting kids as it was far more likely that the men would NOT want kids due to already having them. I think it’s more an issue that you already have one, not that you don’t want any more. (My husband mentioned wanting more kids second date, so that was easy!)

My bf doesn't have kids, he knew straight away I wouldn't have anymore, in fact he knew before we met because we met in a chat forum.
He accepted it.
He's great with Dd, and brilliant with his nephew and god son, and perhaps in an ideal world he'd have liked his own, but he wanted to be with me more.

if you’re looking for someone with kids who doesn’t want any more there is no problem. But if what you want is a guy who doesn’t have or want kids then it may be more difficult. Do you want someone who identifies as childfree? Or just a guy who is infertile? Maybe an older guy with no kids might well not want to go down that road...I am childfree & in my experience guys in their 30s either have kid(s) or some shallow fantasy of wanting one someday to pass on their legacy & kick soccer balls in the park. But most 30s men I know do have or want one... I think it’s selfish to have kids but still want to nab a childfree person because you like their lifestyle, yet expect them to embrace your family.

In my experience dating single parents they love your lifestyle & how easily you slot into their family, but grow to resent it over time if you need some time to opt out of the parenting duties you’ve inevitably taken on for them. They grow to expect you to be a quasi parent.

What I am saying here is please be open to dating single dads because what it sounds like you want is quite selfish.

DH doesn't have children is quite happy with the situation. We have been together since my children were 2 & 4. They are now 9 & 11. I can't have any more children and was honest about that from day one.

Very few people realise that my children aren't biologically his. He does everything for them as if they were his own.

Yes plenty of fish has a section where you state of you have children and if you want children. It's quite easy to spot. When I used the site I avoided anyone who stated they wanted children.
Be upfront from the start. I don't think you will have any problems at all.
There are plenty of men who do not want children and plenty who become step fathers to their partners dc.

I'm 35. I don't have, want or like children.

Look for someone a bit older, chances are they will already have older kids who are grown up or almost grown up.

There are but you may need to set your age higher ... in fact there's a mid 40's second hand chap available whose just left me, had the snip so no issues (only joking you don't want him, he wants to live alone). I'm finding most 40's men want kids unless they have already got a couple, so (I'm a bit older) I've had more luck with 50+. I can't have more kids and you would think men would realise from my age but on first dates they drop unto conversation about kids, why are they all broody around here????

When I split with my ex husband I was 40, my youngest was 10. It didn’t really occur to me until I looked at OLD that similar aged men could be anywhere on the children spectrum. I was instantly put off by any bio that said they were looking for the love of their life or were ready to settle down as more marriage and kids was so far from my plan. I’m now in a relationship with a (very lovely) man who’s the same age as me and his children are similar ages to mine. I hadn’t realised how much easier that would make things because we understand how they impact our lives. They’re all teenagers now, we’re pretty equal on the dates interrupted by requests to transfer money, calls about lost items, cancellations or early finishes because they forgot their key or need a lift. They don’t need babysitters as long as they’re left with enough snacks but noisy sex with teenagers at home is definitely off limits. I’m not sure I would have understood this if mine were younger.
So you’re right to consider the impact of men with or without children. You may well find that single dads are a good match, as long as the ex is not too psycho 😂

I think you may be overthinking this and that's why it seems so overwhelming! When you do feel ready to start dating take it slow, one day at a time and ENJOY yourself. If you meet someone who your think you see a future with then have an open and honest conversation with them, at the right point in time, about what you want.

In answer to your question though, yes there are guys out there. I'm 37 with 2 kids, my partner is 26 and has no kids of his own. He's absolutely amazing with mine and always says if you'd asked him before meeting me he'd have said yes to wanting his own but now he feels like he has 2 so he isn't bothered about having any more. Before meeting him I was adamant I'd never have any more but now we're happy and settled if he really did want one in the next few years, I'd be open to the idea

What I'm trying to say is, I think things like this work themselves out as you go along. I wouldn't go into a first date with a rigid list of do's/ don'ts as a) it will most likely scare anyone away and b) nothing is set in stone but as you're getting to know people there'll come a point when it feels appropriate to have these kind of discussions and it's at those points where you can choose where you go from there. If my partner had said to me on our first date 'i want my own kids one day' we'd have probably never had a second date, but as we've developed as a couple both our feelings about it have shifted
Talk, communicate and be honest. Good luck! Xx

Men are individuals. Some want kids. Some don't.

Personally, I'm 40, have two awesome kids, but don't want any more. I don't think that's unusual (I have a couple of mates in exactly the same position), so if you look for somebody who already has kids, you may have the greatest success. If you don't want somebody who already has kids, that's perfectly valid (and very common - lots of women don't want somebody with kids, even when they have them themselves). Just be honest about that in your dating profile.

The alternative is somebody who never wants kids. Again, plenty of them around - although you may find someone like that is reluctant to get involved with you when you do have kids. That's a legitimate choice for them, too.

The important thing is simply to be honest and straightforward, and not leave room for doubt where there actually isn't any in your mind. That just results in leading people on, which isn't fair. Be honest about your red lines, and at some point you will meet someone who is looking for the same thing.

I think you are more likely to find someone who doesn't want any MORE kids than somebody who really doesn't want any. Because a lot of men hit there 40s and think about it and partner up with a younger woman who still can. Also I think that relationships work better when you have the same values and are at the same stage, and so somebody in the most similar position (eg. A single dad who doesn't want more kids)

I worry (well not quite worry but I think about it) about the same thing @Treesinthewind. I’m mid twenties and pregnant with my second Dc. I definitely don’t want more Dc. I wouldn’t mind if someone had children himself at all, but I wouldn’t be looking to blend families or anything.

Honestly I don’t imagine having another long term relationship until they’ve grown up and gone. The best I’m hoping for when I’m ready to dates again, is someone who’s happy to fit in around my kids and who’s happy with things not really progressing past the seeing each other once/twice a week stage. If he could be smart, funny, kind and considerate, as well as being gorgeous and amazing in bed. That would be fantastic and if anyone knows someone who fits the bill, pm me!

You will be able to find plenty of men who have kids and don’t want any more. Loads of them out there.
If you are hoping for a man with no kids who doesn’t want any, it might be harder as he might not want a relationship with someone who has kids. But everyone is different and there are loads of people out there!

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I'm definitely not against a relationship with someone who already has kids. It's just something I have no experience of as the last time I was single I was mid-20s.