Problem between my dad and boyfriend

[lilcreed]

Myself and bf are renovating our first home. My dad has gone renovations before. Every time my dad suggests an idea, my boyfriend will not listen and to against it to the point where my Dad is feeling offended. My boyfriend will favour his uncles ideas over my dad’s.

My Dad got us a quote with a friend for a carpet. It is a lovely, thick carpet for a good price. My boyfriends uncle also got a quote for a less decent carpet which was cheaper. It sounds as if my boyfriend will go with the quote from his uncle.

I know it’s a cheaper quote, but id rather pay the extra £100 rather than upsetting my dad. What can I do?

I think you need to make your mind up.

In the kindest way possible your last sentence speaks volumes about you relationship with your dad. What carpet do YOU want OP?

If you like the cheaper one get it, if you like the one your dad found, get that one. Or even better, you and your partner go out and find one yourself and leave them out of it !

It's your and your boyfriends first house. Not your dads or the uncles. You should be making decisions between yourselves OP and supporting each other. You're the ones who will be living there!

Where does your opinion come into this?

Who is making the decisions here? You, your boyfriend or both of you together?

Maybe say to your dad your working to a tight budget so whilst you appreciate his help you won’t always choose to follow his preference as this is for your house.

Cross post with letsjog who made the point but much better!

Where does your opinion come into this?

This!

Your last sentence about not wanting to upset you dad is the key thing.
Which carpet do you want and why would you pay more unless you want it to not upset your dad? Maybe your BF has worked with the hblce before? As long as you are equal in your relationship then your relationship comes first over keeping your dad happy. You are an individual and not the control of your parents

I have come to like the carpet my dad priced for. X very valid points. Thanks

You have come to like the carpet priced by your dad? I know carpets are not the most exciting but I think you should buy the carpet that you are instantly drawn to.

I agree with the posters above who have put it so well. It's about you and your bf.

The issue is that my dad has given thoughtful advice from the very beginning.

He advised my boyfriend to unibond the walls before laying the tiles for the bathroom, otherwise the tiles will crack. I understand that this is a standard thing that should be done. My boyfriend still didn’t listen and charged on. I feel that if his uncle would have advised that he would have listened.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about your thoughts ?

It sounds like your boyfriend is making all the decisions without taking your opinion into consideration. Do you get any input into what is actually happening to the house, or do you feel that your boyfriend just does as he pleases?

It also sounds like you feel beholden to the feelings of two men. Presumably this is your house too, and you’re putting money into the renovations, so where do your own feelings and preferences fit into this?

If you trust your dad over your boyfriend then it says something about your relationship with your boyfriend. If you’re going into this together, ploughing both your money into it and wanting it to be your home, you not trusting the judgement of your boyfriend, or him not taking your feelings and preferences into account is not a healthy start. Being carried along while having to manage the feelings and expectations of your dad and your boyfriend will only ever leave you in a no win situation. You need to put your foot down about what you want or get out of the whole endeavour, otherwise you’ll only be left with resentment if what you end up with and what you’ve paid for is not what you wanted.

Your boyfriend sounds immature and lazy. Every decision he's making is ignoring someone who knows better and is also the easy way out.

What's he like normally? Does he ever acknowledge he's wrong? Do you feel it's equally your home?

What does your boyfriend say when you talk to him about this?

If you don't like either carpet, pick your own.

Clearly your opinion is irrelevant to him and others. If your boyfriend is awkward towards his FIL, there's no doubt he's going to be just as awkward towards you one day.

For every timer who says use unibond, you’ll find one that says don’t

There’s always debate to be had around cost/value for money/preferences.

Your problem here isn’t your BF not taking your Dad’s advice, it’s the fact he’s just ploughing on regardless of what YOU think/want

Who bought the property?
Who is paying for the renovations?
What is the other person doing financially?

But irrespective, why aren’t you making decisions together??

I wonder if your boyfriend is getting fed up of your dad sticking his oar in and you do seem very keen to please your dad. Getting a carpet you don't like to please him??? This is your house with your boyfriend it only matters what you two think.

I agree with others. Your bf seems to be making all the decisions on the renovations. It's your home too so your opinion should be taken into account and I assume you're contributing to the costs too? Tell your bf that you want some input on the decisions being made.

It almost seems to be a reverse of what we usually see on MN (women fed up with interfering MIL). Perhaps your bf thinks your dad is interfering too much with unsolicited advice?

What is your role in the redevelopment? You don’t seem to have any voice. If you want something to be done in a certain way, why don’t you say so?

Did he ask your Dad for advice?
Do you ask your Dad for advice?

Your bf is unreasonable to prioritise his uncle over your Dad. You are unreasonable to prioritise your Dad over his uncle.

Your bf is very unreasonable not to involve you in the process. It might be best that you both agree to do it without the other men giving advice?

Stop letting all these men dictate to you. You should know your budget and make your choices accordingly.
Stop letting all these armchair and backseat tradesmen work on your home, which presumably you paid good money for as you can't really renovate a rental property. It's really important that stuff like tiling etc is done properly, imagine the cost of water getting behind them and causing damp or rot issues in your new house. Your dad nor his uncle will be queuing up to pay out for professionals to put shit right. At least you can sue a registered company.
And put your foot down re carpet and decorating 'my house, my money, my decision. I know the look I'm going for and neither of those carpets fits the bill. The Tapi man is coming in tomorrow with samples.'
No more little princess and a lot more Queen Bee, the mistress of her own hive.

My boyfriend will favour his uncles ideas over my dad’s
Did you invest in this?
It is your home as well?
It appears that your DP is making all the decisions.
WHY???
Do you have a say?
If you like and prefer the thicker carpet then make it clear to your DP.
If you only want it because you don't want to upset your dad, then I'm afraid that is just as bad as having so say.
You seem to be ruled by men.
Are you a people pleaser?
Are the renovations being done to your liking?
Have you agreed on the plans?
The interior design?
The colours?
Or is he dictating everything?

I have chosen the colours of the house etc.

I am currently paying the mortgage at the moment (as I’m a teacher and have a monthly income) my boyfriend is paying for renovations (he is a self employed electrician so gets money as and when).

Thank you for your help and advice. I do see all points on this. Thank you

Does your boyfriend take your opinion into consideration or does he nod and then carry on with whatever he wants anyway?

Just because he's paying for renovations doesn't mean you have no say in them. At the end of the day it's Your house in your name I presume since you're paying the mortgage?

If you're paying the mortgage and its in both names you have a bigger issue on hand OP.

Don't mean this in a rude way OP, are you religious? You sound like some people I know who have come to think that the men are always in charge and that parents should interfere with everything...

Your electrician boyfriend probably makes more money then you. Is he doing the electrics to save costs on the house?

I don't understand why your dad and your bfs uncle are even having this many opinions on what is happening in houses they don't live in.

Is it a mansplaining thing? Ie. They know the "right way" and their right way is the "only way"? Or are you and your bf seeking out their opinion or instruction on every element of the work?

God....It sounds exhausting. The whole lot of it.