I can't cope with my parents anymore...

[Petra124]

I'm 22, still living at home with DM. I absolutely love both of my parents but they are making me miserable.

My DM and DF split when I was 18, whilst I was at university and living in halls. My DM ended the marriage as she said there was no love there anymore and it had become apparent since I had moved away. They sold our family home and my DF bought a small 2 bed new build, my DM moved into a bedsit as she couldn't find anything that she liked.

I ended up dropping out of uni about 5 months in (hated my course, hated university life) and so had to move in with my DF as he was the only parent that had a house - I had no money as I had spent it all on rent at uni so had no choice but to move back home. My DM got really upset and said that I was 'choosing' DF over her. We managed to resolve this as I explained that I had to live with him as she had no home.

Eventually DM bought a fixer-upper. She set about renovating it and seemed really happy. One evening I drove to our storage unit to pick up a suitcase, only to find my DM and DF snogging on the sofa!! I was completely shocked but actually quite pleased that they were giving it another go.
Fast forward 3 months and they decided to move in together in my DF's house. DM and DF offered to rent out my DM's house (which still needed lots of work done to it) to myself and my partner. We jumped at the chance as we loved the location and the house. We paid our first 2 months rent and set about redecorating it.
About a month later my DM and DF returned from holiday and my DF ended things with my DM. She later found out he had been seeing someone before they decided to reconcile and had basically preferred her company. My DM was devastated and moved back into her house. My DP and I were also upset as we had spent so much time and money doing the house up and had even paid for Sky etc. We didn't show this to my DM as we both understood how difficult it was for her and I moved into DP's family home.

About 6 months later, I found out from a friend that she had seen DM and DF in a nearby city having dinner together. I confronted DM and she admitted that it was true, she explained that they would give it one final go. I accepted this and they continued seeing each other. A few weeks later it all ended again as DF had been texting the other woman and DM had found out. I tried to stay impartial as I was living with my DP but found myself ferrying messages between DM and DF.

DM and DF started becoming closer again over the year and reconciled in March of this year, they lived separately and it seemed to be going well. They organised a lovely meal for my birthday with some friends and family. I could tell at the meal that DM was upset but I didn't want to ask her and upset her further. Later that week she rung me in tears and confessed that she had found messages on DF's phone again! from the other woman. I confronted DF and he was very nonchalant, didn't seem to be bothered by it. I was furious with his reaction and went NC with him. I moved in with DM as she was really struggling - having time off work, drinking quite a bit etc.

My DP and I split up in June, I was devastated having been together since I was 16. He was absolutely horrible to me, went on a date with another woman the day we broke up and 2 weeks later was in a relationship with her, I think that she was waiting in the wings for the split personally. I tried to talk to my DM about it but she didn't seem bothered, every time I brought it up in conversation she would reply something like this 'Yes but remember what DF did to me, that was awful.'
I felt like I was not allowed to be upset and my troubles could never compare to hers. I brushed it off and tried to remind myself that her marriage had been 30 years, my relationship had only been a fraction of that.

I have very recently met someone, he is lovely and we have been on a few dates. He lives about an hour away and I traveled down to see him - I had told my mum not to expect me back as we would probably go for a drink and I may stay at his house. She seemed pleased for me and told me to text her when I had got there safely etc. That evening I had a call from a friend who had found out her partner was cheating - I agreed to drive back to comfort her. I popped home first to let DM know I was back and found her having dinner with DF with whom I am NC due to the way he spoke to me and DM. I was so shocked, hurt and upset.

DM and I have spoken and she has assured me that DF really has changed this time etc. but I just do not know what to believe. I was always told that a leopard can't change its spots. I have tried to stay out of DM's way, which is hard as we live together. She has said that I need to respect her decision. I have told her that I will but I do not want her to come crying to me when it all falls apart. I have also told her sisters what has happened - I am very close to all of my aunties and they have all agreed that I have to let her get on with it but they also think that it won't last.

I just don't know what to do. I don't have enough saved yet to move out, I can't ask anything of my new DP as it's all quite new and I don't want to scare him off! Any advice?

Hi Petra, I really feel for you. Your parents remind me of mine when I was a child. Me and my siblings were unwilling spectators of their unstable marriage, all the rows, make ups, break ups, house moves. Neither seemed to notice or care about the impact on us and like you I was made homeless (when my mother ran off with her other man ), didn't go to university and ended up reliant on her for housing in my early twenties. My mother used me as a free counsellor and champion for all her issues too. It took me a long time to realise how narcissistic she is and how it impacted on my own life. I don't see anything about your dreams and aspirations in this. Losing your relationship must have been devastating for you. Did it provide some stability and security that was missing from your home life? I feel so sorry that you didn't get any empathy from your mother.

At 22 you are very young to be stuck in the middle of your parent's troubles. It really isn't your problem although you may, understandably, want to 'fix' it. But this isn't your circus, not your monkeys. Where is their concern for you? You have not gone to university which is a great pity. YOU need support to get on with your life.

As someone who has gone through very similar at your age, my advice would be to look at your life and decide what you want to do in the future. You don't mention if you work and what you do. Are you happy in your role or would you consider going down the university route again? Is there any training you could do that would get you out of your mother's house? I would be thinking about what you want to do that could make you independent of your parents and let them get on with it. It's a huge burden for someone as young as you.

Hi Dacquoise, thank you for your reply. That is exactly how I feel, an unwilling spectator dragged along for the ride! I am really sorry to hear that you have been through the same, it really is not easy, especially when you are of an age that your parents lean on you for emotional support.

I have a good job luckily, I am a Legal Secretary for a chain solicitor, I really enjoy my job. I would love to do a CiLex course to become a Chartered Legal Exec. but money is my only issue - the company will subsidise the course but it is still very expensive.

Living with my ex DP was awkward at first as I felt like an intruder, I was always on edge and worried about using their bathroom etc. but I just enjoyed their dynamic - his parents were very much in love and their children were no. 1 priority which felt so normal.

I really do feel responsible for fixing it - I am their only child. They were both in their mid-thirties when I was born and I was quite a surprise as my DM had been told she was infertile, in fact they were discussing separating just before she found out she was pregnant.

I really want to move on with my life, I feel like I lost some of the most important years of my life because I was mediating my parents (over dramatic I know!).

Thank you for your advice, I think that I need to perhaps pay for the additional training, it may take longer to get out on my own but at least I would be more employable and hopefully could be looking at a higher salary.

Just spend as little time as possible at home and concentrate on saving as much as possible as fast as you can so you can afford the deposit and first months rent on a room in a shared house. Then get the hell out of there.

You sound really co-dependant which isn't healthy, would it be possible to get referred for some counselling? Are you working at the mo? Try to detach and disengage from all the drama at home, just leave them to it and try not to let other people's problems become your own as you can end up carrying all the worry and stress and it's not very healthy or boundaried. You have your own life and need to detach a bit from theirs. They are adults and will do what they please, you can't control the situation nor should you attempt to.

I'm sorry about the break up you went though. Try and take it slow with the new person and remember being single is an option too, especially if you are finding out who you are and trying for a fresh start. Don't be in a relationship for the sake of it.

Thanks RhubarbTea,

I am spending most of my time out the house at the minute. Going to see friends and other family. I mainly just go back there to sleep!

I wouldn't say we are co-dependent, I feel that she depends on me heavily sometimes and I feel uncomfortable with that. I believe that there should be boundaries with your children that you do not cross e.g. discussing your love life and relying on them for emotional support. With the counselling I have seen the GP, he referred me to a group therapy session so I will attend the first one in a couple of weeks. Hopefully it helps.

I do agree that I need to detach myself, just need to get the money together to get out. I did have some saved but my car had to be scrapped and another bought which was a pain.

With the relationship, it hadn't been going well for a while so I wasn't shocked when it ended, just hurt that he had moved on so quickly. I am trying not to rush with the new guy hence not wanting to unload any of this on him. I enjoyed being single and meeting him felt very natural which was nice.

Hi Petra, I am so pleased that you are on course for a great career. Well done you! You really are doing the best thing by making yourself as independent as possible from your parents.

As Rhubarb says it isn't healthy to be so enmeshed in your parent's troubles. I have had a lot of counselling to help me break free from my family but it is expensive and your priority may be that training.

Another possible help is to do some reading about co-dependency. Melody whatshername! is the standard. There is also a very good book by Robyn Skinner and John Cleese on Families and How to Survive Them. Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Out of the Fog websites on narcissism. I am not stating that your parents are narcissists but their lack of support for you suggests they are quite self-absorbed and you have noticed the difference already in other families priorities towards their children.

I have to say I have a good feeling about you. You seem bright and switched on.