Loving but not being ‘in love’

[Zzzexhaustedzzz]

I’m sure this will have been discussed somewhere on here before.
I feel really comfortable with my partner. We’ve known each other a long time. We have been in this relationship for 2.5 years. I love him. He loves me. Sex is amazing.
BUT he recently said he’s not ‘in love’ with me. I hadn’t even considered this before. The thought of being ‘in love’ makes me queazy. I’ve seen him obsessed with others over the years and he turns into a swooning twat. He was like this with me when we were young for a while and I thought he was just daft. I don’t want to be someones unrealistic fantasy. I’m not ‘in love’ with him either, though I have made a lot of time and space in my life for him, maybe a bit..... Sometimes I’ve imagined cohabitation but I’ve got teens at home and would have to wait. He has certainly said/implied similar feelings.
He continues other interests which I think is healthy though means he is away for long lengths of time. He feels that maybe we should finish because he ‘can’t give me what I want’ as he senses I want more commitment PLUS he’s not as virile as he was and I am pretty rampant. I’m ok with things as they are. Don’t actually want more commitment and I’m satisfied enough by him.
Recently he’s talked about going away for 6 months and I would consider sex from elsewhere in that case.
So am I kidding myself? Immediately I began to think he had another romantic ‘in love’ interest. He swears not.
We’ve both been through the mill in relationships. I am gutted that he would consider finishing. He suggested finishing because he thinks ‘it’s unfair’ on me. I dunno if I buy that.
This relationship/ situation has given me too much anxiety already.

BUT he recently said he’s not ‘in love’ with me
Well we all know what this means OP - including you.
Of course he 'swears not'. They all do.
In fact they usually swear on their kids lives and it's still all bullshit!

That aside - he's not that interested - he wants out.
That much is very obvious.
He's even thinking of going away for 6 months so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
He's suggested finishing it for many reasons.
Believe what he is telling you.
He wants to end this.
He does not love you.
He does not see a future with you.
So end it already and move on!
He doesn't sound like a great catch anyway!

But we do love each other. Generally he’s very honest. I’m trying to probe as Yes, if I was to say this, it’d be because I fancied someone else.

Are you saying you'd seek sex elsewhere or did he suggest that?

Are you together because it just made sense?

Do you need love and romance, or did you just want companionship? Does he feel the same in that sense?

I’m saying I would seek sex elsewhere. He wouldn’t like it. But I told him I’d have to and he might lose me. High sex drive (probs peri-meno).
After I said that he changed to only 6 weeks which I said was my max. But now he seems to be thinking he can’t be compromised by my ‘needs’! He reckons he doesn’t ‘need’ me in the same way.
I don’t need full on romance no. Maybe he does. Maybe it confuses him.
Maybe he is playing subconscious games where he wants me to go crazy emotionally needy (not me, but his ex was that type). But I’ve just said, after some upset/ anger and lots of stress on my part that I don’t want him to be in love with me because I’m not with him....

He’s a complex character.

This all sounds like too much hard work to be honest!

I think you just need to go your separate ways to be honest.

He sounds a bit immature OP. Suggesting you shag other people is a clear sign that he wants out. These people that fall madly in love repeatedly are the problem, not you.

It all sounds like hard work to me too.

Thanks for your replies.
Yes it sure feels like hard work at the moment.

It’s been really good but quite compartmentalised: I live with my teens, he lives where he works which is seasonal and means he saves and travels. I get that. But quite attached now and don’t want to be apart longer than 6 weeks unless its neccessary.
FatArse123 (!) No, I suggested that I would want/ need to find sex elsewhere if he went away for 6 months. I went way too long without in my last relationship. And - I just want to feel cared for
Argh.

Would you really 'find sex elsewhere' if he went away for 6 months or are you really saying 'don't go but if you do, I'll do xyz ' in the hope that he'll think twice about going?

Mmmm. No I mean it because I think we would be finishing if he went away for 6 months anyway.

He's telling you he's not that into you OP.

Yes, yes I know... in some way. Though he says I’m his best friend he loves me and sex is the best ever? I’m so confused by him and my own feelings!

Agree with the 'he's just not that into you' comment. It could be that he is smitten with someone else, or he could just be losing interest in commitment.

But I dont get your 'I've seen him obsessed with others over the years' comment...surely not whilst you were in a relationship with him? If so it would smack if narcissistic triangulation.

It feels like he might be trying to test how you feel about him. Like he maybe wanted you to say 'no don't go, i'd be nothing without you!!' or something.

Yes I know, the last bit is what I have wondered.
We have known each other since kids. So yes, I have seen his version of in love and it’s . A bit silly.

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is such bullshit, but one of the most hurtful comments ever. To me it basically just means that you're in a relationship with someone who you love but you're past the honeymoon/butterflies stage.

It's a fucking awful comment to have said to you though. My husband said it to me a few months ago when we were considering separating. Although we're working through it now and things are ok, I've never forgotten those words and I never will, it was like being punched. In all honesty it sounds like you need to part ways. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and wants to put work into having a good relationship and making you feel loved. It doesn't sound like you're getting that with him.

Get him to read The Road Less Travelled. There's a brilliant section in it which explains the difference between 'in love' and 'love' (it places a massively higher premium on actual love than teh temporary and immature sensation of being 'in love'. I read that book and it completely changed my attitude to what love was. Maybe it will help him too.

Thankyou. I will look for that book. I think I have read it before.
I’m not dependent on him for love that’s for sure. Got a busy life, good friends and family too.
I love our sex life. I thought romance etc wasn’t so important.