Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to ask for money

31 replies

Brightfuture2019 · 11/10/2019 07:39

So DP doesn't have a proper job and at the moment I cover everything. When he does get money he won't give me any and blasts it all at the weekend. I've asked before and it ends up with major rows. I just can't bring myself to ask. I'm struggling with everything I can do it all. Me and my child need things and we have to go without.

OP posts:
HappyPunky · 11/10/2019 07:45

Is the house in your name? He needs to leave or if it's in his name, you do.

Call women's aid for support. Is your child his as well?

Wildorchidz · 11/10/2019 07:46

Leave.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2019 07:47

He seems immature and he's not contributing to your lives together. It's totally unacceptable that he doesn't earn any money, lets you pay for everything then when he does have some money goes off to the pub. Why are you putting up with this shit?

MeanMrMustardSeed · 11/10/2019 07:47

End the relationship. There’s no relationship there anyway.

Original poster
Brightfuture2019 · 11/10/2019 07:49

He should be coming into some money next year and says things will change completely. But the thing is it's how he treats me now, I can't just ignore that can I !! I'm so lost . I feel bad for hurting him I'm an idiot. He does absolutely nothing, he sits at home most days and then when I walk in from after work and pick up it's down to me to make dinner, washing etc

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 11/10/2019 07:49

I’ve read your other posts. Please get help and leave him. Your daughter is being damaged. You and she deserve better.

HappyPunky · 11/10/2019 07:52

He spends all the money he gets now so he will spend future money too.
My guess is if you stay he will give you a token amount to keep you sweet then carry on as normal.
It's not worth it, you need to end it.
He doesn't need to hit you for it to be abuse.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2019 07:55

Are you really putting a cocklodging man before your DD???
WOW - you need to seriously take back control here OP.
He needs to leave.
Your DD should not be going without to house a feed a 'man'.
Why would you do that?
What a terrible example to be setting her.
You are not putting her first.
It's that simple.
You are her mum. She IS your priority here.
It is your responsibility to ensure she has good relationship examples when growing up and to make sure she has the very best of you.
She does not.
Stop putting this 'man' first.
Please get rid of him.
If you are finding it hard, as PP said, contact Womens Aid and get their help.
Rights of Women can also help.
You are a grown woman with a DD to raise and protect.
Do your job.
Sorry if I sound harsh but no 'man' on this planet is worth this.
STOP IT!!!!
You do NOT need a 'man'
You are perfectly capable of doing this on your own for your DD.
So do it!

ShatnersWig · 11/10/2019 08:16

OP with the best will in the world, and this is going to sound very blunt, but how many more threads do you need to create about this arsehole? It's been going on since March (at least in terms of your threads). Do an advanced search on yourself - every single thread you've ever posted is about you being unhappy in your relationship and how shit this bloke is? We keep telling you he's a wanker, you need to leave, but no, back you come again. Messing up your own life is one thing, but you're going to fuck up your DDs life to. So fucking get on with it - think of her if you can't do it for yourself. Anything else is being a shit parent. Don't be that.

Ginger1982 · 11/10/2019 08:20

This ^^

RushianDisney · 11/10/2019 08:23

In all likelihood you will be far better off financially without him.

LIZS · 11/10/2019 08:28

Why are you feeling guilty? He is not engaging with or supporting you.

Original poster
Brightfuture2019 · 11/10/2019 08:33

I appreciate all the answers. I know I'm being shit and I hate myself. But I'm scared and I need help. Don't you think I know I need to leave it's so easy for people to say leave but it's gonna throw up a whole heap of mess. My MH is not great and I'm struggling. I know I need to be stronger.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 11/10/2019 08:35

Ah yes the promise of future possible money. You know that theoretical day will never come through dont you and even if it does he wont think twice of throwing it away on crap or himself because he doesn't see himself as needing to contribute to the household. Why are you subsidising this cocklodger? DH was somewhat petted in his past relationships and from his parents so I totted up all of our bills and informed him that he must pay half as the other adult in this house and father of DD as well as our rescue cat that he insisted on getting. This is now a non negotiable if he wants to live here and as unfair as that sounds I realised that its non negotiable for me so why shouldnt it be for him? You need the lundy bancroft"s why does he do that book to see that the aggression, rows and his behaviour is to give him 'special privileges' in the house and stop you questioning him. Its time to shape up or ship out!

ShatnersWig · 11/10/2019 08:39

But I'm scared and I need help. Don't you think I know I need to leave it's so easy for people to say leave but it's gonna throw up a whole heap of mess

The longer you stay, the bigger the heap of mess will be. Many people on MN have been through what you have done. WHat help do you want? We've all advised you as best we can. What more can we say that we haven't said umpteen times? Genuinely?

My MH is not great and I'm struggling

And why do you think that is? Your MH will improve significantly if you end this totally toxic and damaging relationship. It will be scary at first, of course, it is, but in time, you will be stronger, healthier and happier.

The thing is, it's all about YOU. Where is your concern for your DD in all of this? I don't see it.

timeforachange123 · 11/10/2019 08:41

Ok if you know you need to get help to effect change, get help then if you're serious. Firstly you can make contact with an organisation such as Women Aid, secondly you could go to your GP and get it documented that you're living like this. It may well be that your mental health is 'not great' because of this therefore it makes sense to share this with your GP.
I would imagine that if and when the day arrives when big money comes through you wouldn't see him or the money for dust
I wish you strength but only you can do this

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 11/10/2019 08:51

So DP doesn't have a proper job and at the moment I cover everything. When he does get money he won't give me any and blasts it all at the weekend.

This windfall he’s expecting, if it even materialises, won’t be shared with you. He’s a cocklodger and he won’t change sadly.

KUGA · 11/10/2019 08:53

Not an ideal response but wait a year and see if things change.
If not go go go go for you and dc`s sake.

ShatnersWig · 11/10/2019 09:02

Actually, I've re-read your threads OP. And I spotted a few things.

In March this bloke was 52. By July, he'd suddenly become 48.
In July you'd been together 14 years. Yet in June you'd been together for 13 years or 16 years, depending on which thread you read.
In most of your threads, you talk about your daughter, who is 8. Yet on one thread in September, she's turned into a boy.

I can see no reason for the constant shifting sands. You've been given good advice many times over, including calling Women's Aid. The place you apparently rent is in your name, not his. You can therefore kick him out. If you are genuine, get on the phone and call Women's Aid for advice.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/10/2019 09:05

We've all told you who to contact for help to get him gone.
So contact them.
I just feel so very very sorry for your poor DC right now.
You should too!
The fact you are scared should be the kick you need.

It should NOT be stopping you.
It should be pushing you forward to have a better life with this fucking asshole out of it.
Your MH will improve very quickly when you have this 'man' out of your life.
So do it - do it fast.
Pack up his stuff and put it outside.
One last text - 'Your stuff is outside. Do not come back here ever again'
I'm assuming you have no friends or family around?

ChevalierTialys · 11/10/2019 09:06

If you own or are renting in your name, you can just ask him to leave. He is showing no concern at all for your or your childs welfare.

Ask yourself: is this what you want for your life?

I know it's hard and scary. You can do this though. I thought I could never manage alone but the unbelievable freedom and happiness I've felt since getting did of ex has been wonderful. I could never ever go back to being trapped with a cocklodger.

If you need to, if it's too hard to make an overall plan, take it in small steps. What is the first step? What is the first thing you need to do that will eventually lead to being free? It will be something small but it will be a start. Find your first step OP.

ChevalierTialys · 11/10/2019 09:09

@ShatnersWig I thought it was common practise to change small details to protect identity? I certainly do when I post for advice (under other usernames).

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/10/2019 09:16

He should be helping put food on the table. Instead, because you are subsidising him, he is actually taking food off your DD's plate. Forget about the promise of things changing when he gets his windfall - it's a lie. Selfishness is a personality trait, not a function of income. I've known selfless people who would give a stranger the shirt off their own back even though they don't have a pot to piss in themselves and I've known well-off people who are brutally selfish. Your OH is selfish. He doesn't care about you or your DD and an improvement in his financial circumstances won't change that. He's a parasite not a partner.

I know it's hard but you really do need to find the strength to leave him. It's crystal clear that he is a significant factor in your poor mental health and he is economically depriving you and your child.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/10/2019 09:31

What money will he have next year that he hasn't got now?

SprinkleDash · 11/10/2019 09:33

He should be coming into some money next year and says things will change completely

If you believe that you’ll believe anything! You’re not a priority now why would you be a priority next year. It’ll be gone before you know it!