How do I get 'it' back ?

[Daisy778]

I started a thread on here a few months ago, where I was feeling uneasy about my husbands recent behaviours at the time. We have been married for over 20years but generally a very solid couple.

Over the last few months, things have been confusing. If you read my previous post, you would see that he had started to become uneasy with his phone amongst other things. It came to light following this that he has been viewing loads of erotic images of woman. Nothing heavy, just 'appreciating' woman's assets. Finding this out, following my recent uneasiness made me feel pretty rubbish tbh, however pleased i dont think i have anything to worry about other than these images. Which in comparison to what I was imagining could be happening is something i can deal with.

What I'd like advice on is how do you get back to where you were before a 'shake up'. Previously I was confident , enjoyed great sex and made an effort. I would dress up regularly and initiate sex spontaneously. However since I've discovered these images ( hundreds!) I find it hard to feel as confident and desired. I know it's my own issue with how I have made it a personal comparison and I need to work through that part, however i just want to feel sexy and confident when I dress up and look in the mirror again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

I would think he was the one to put in the effort to get you feel like that again? He fucked up - and now you have to do the work?

Thank you, I know what you're saying and it hurts that he has felt the need to look at all these images, but I think the issue is me. I've made it feel like a direct comparison and that hes disappointed I dont look like these women ( not that hes ever asked me to be anything different and is affectionate towards me) I just want to feel sexy, however now just feel stupid for even trying to look like these women . I just want to sort my head out and go back to feeling sexy and confident again. I just dont know how...

I still think he is the one who has to do the work. Ofcouse your self asteem is bad - and now he has to make an effort.

It's not your fault how you feel, and you aren't doing/thinking anything wrong. It's because of his sleazy actions that you feel that way. Don't be down on yourself for how you feel. Instead, maybe turn your anger on him, rather than internalizing it and blaming yourself. It belongs with him. Hugs. Xxxxx

Thank you. He knows he's hurt me, he's embarrassed I found them and has said he won't do it anymore. Just the sheer amount and that he was purposefully looking every single day is what made it worse. It doesn't feel like a cheeky peek when it was that many, that often. I'm not naive enough to think he wont go looking again, I'm not asking that of him, just not so obsessively.

I feel like I've lost the fun factor now and I'm missing that fun intimacy we shared. He tells me he loves me, finds me attractive and to him it was just some silly pictures and they were ..... just hundreds of them ! I dont want to keep going over it with him, I just want to get back to where we were but I suppose I will just have to be patient.( Also what really annoys me was that I bought some new outfits to surprise him and I dont even want to wear them now 😡)

Dont wear them. Be sad. Hurt. As you are.
And let him "dress up" and do the work.
You really should not be the one working on this. He is. He should bend over backwards to woo you back!

It sounds like you've been really put off sex by him because of what he's done. Not necessarily only that you don't feel attractive, but what he's done has grossed you out/put you off him.

Surely you need to sit down together and have a calm, respectful, loving conversation about all of this? Not in a blaming way, just in the interests of open honesty? Assuming you trust him enough to share these insecurities, and assuming he's a decent enough guy to listen to you, and be kind and non-judgemental to you. If this was me, having that quality time to share would in itself make me feel better, loved and valued and therefore closer as a couple and more inclined to feel like initiating things.

I know i want to make him work for it, but i also just want to go back to how we were. I feel like its me keeping this going and delaying getting over it. I don't want to leave him or anything OTT like that, I just want him to make me believe him and feel like I'm still enough for him after all this time.

I think you're right. I have been put off by this. We still have been intimate, but I have lost the carefree fun element and fight back the stupid intrusive thoughts of what I saw. I just want to get over it.

We have sat down and talked, we're very open but there is only so much you can talk. He has tried to make me feel reassured but that seed has been planted and the damage has been done. I just need to find a way to sort my own head out. I cant really ask much more of him. I think he feels like he doesn't know how to make me feel better and I suppose he cant at the moment as I need to work through it. Just happy to hear other peoples opinions and suggestions to help me through.