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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband and live cams

35 replies

hurtandconfused19 · 10/10/2019 15:16

I’ve recently found out my husband has spent over £250 on cam girls over the last year. We had a conversation years ago where I expressed I’d be unhappy if he was using those kind of sites as I didn’t like the interactivity aspect.
At first he said it was a one off and that he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again but I soon found out it was a much bigger problem.
After many discussions we have decided to work through this but I’m not sure how to learn to trust him again?
I feel like I can’t go to bed early as I don’t know what he’ll be doing when I’m not there. Sad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/10/2019 07:19

I've no issue with porn or even strip bars on a stag night, but I'm not ok with this, it's one step away from sleeping with prostitutes and is hugely sleazy.

In this I'd also agree with AF. you working through it is you pretending to believe him when he says he won't do it again, knowing he will, and then just keeping quiet, so you can stay married and pretend to be happy.

Each to their own but not for me.

Snowman123 · 11/10/2019 07:26

OP I had a similar situation with my EH. Once I'd made my "discovery" I spent another 10 years trying to make things work. Like your husband, in all other ways he was a great person and dad.
Eventually the trust was gone and the relationship completely broke down.
That was 10 years ago. In the 10 years since, I'd not met anyone that compares to him, and most of the guys I've dated have had flaws in some way, many far worse than my EH ever did.
Most of the judgemental posts are amusing. I believe that the vast majority of men watch porn in some shape or form. Your husband seems to be honest about this? (Mine never was which is possibly where it went wrong).
From what you have said, I think you should try and work through this possibly with professional help.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2019 08:48

By "professional help" do you mean that the op should see someone who tells her she should be ok with her husband being a consumer of the sex industry ? Or that she should medicate her anxiety about it ? Or get herself booked in for that lobotomy so she no longer cares ?

ChuckleBuckles · 11/10/2019 10:12

I had this, it started with porn watching, then escalated to webcams, he once spent 100 quid in about 10 minutes on them, by the time I found out he was already visiting brothels, all done on way to and from work and some lunch times. All this was revealed when I discovered he was cheating with a woman from his work. He only ever admitted to what I had evidence of, I always had to present proof.

In my experience they don't stop, only escalates in use and they become better at hiding what they are at. It must be like chasing a high. As for the therapy I tried that too, 70 quid an hour I paid for therapy privately, and he just lied through that and blamed me, as we were "working through things" he was still messaging escorts and arranging times and places to meet, he swore up and down that he never followed through but who knows. I wish I had that time back again, I wasted three years trying to "work through things" I ended up on anti anxiety meds, sleeping tablets and anti-depressants and all the time the therapist was making out I just had to let things go, to forgive and move on for things to work out. Whatever about the heartbreak, whatever about the waste of money, the thing I most regret is the wasted opportunity. In those three years I could have moved on, healed and started rebuilding my life sooner. I will always regret that wasted opportunity.

What people don't get about this behaviour is that it is part of a larger pattern of abuse, for a person to be so consumed by this behaviour they must reject their partner on an ongoing daily basis, in my case nothing was ever good enough, he would turn his head away if I tried to kiss him goodbye in the mornings, he would make little jokes and sly digs about me in front of others, it was always low level little things, that individually you may not even notice, and are always such little things so why get sad or mad or worked up by it, but in the larger picture your self esteem crumbles, your confidence goes, you doubt every action and convince yourself that you are sensitive or touchy or whatever word you want to use to make your partner's treatment of you OK. In the end you are doubting if you are worth anything and convince yourself that you are not worth more, but the thing that always hurts is the loss of opportunity.

Deadringer · 11/10/2019 10:21

He is having virtual sex with other women, and paying for it out of family money. What did all these highly sexed men do before the internet? He is disgusting. You don't want to end a 10 year relationship over this, will you want to end it in 15 years, or 20, or 30, or will you just put up with it, because he won't stop.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 11/10/2019 10:24

I don't see using cam girls any different to cheating. He's interacting with another woman and PAYING for the privilege... how would you feel if it was another woman any they were exchanging photos and the like?

It's not different in the slightest.

Good luck working through your relationship...

Snowman123 · 11/10/2019 17:28

Any fucker .... the professional help is to address his behaviour and the inevitable ending of their marriage if he cant talk openly and honestly about what has happened and change his behaviour.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2019 19:52

He doesn't need "professional help"

He simply needs to stop being a sleazy fucker. It's not rocket science and it's not something to medicalise.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/10/2019 19:59
lexiepuppy · 11/10/2019 20:29

Let's turn it around.......
How would he feel if you were taking family money and getting your rocks off to a well endowed hunk of a male webcam escort?

Would he be happy to know that you were intimately chatting to another man whilst watching him get naughty and you getting jiggy at the other end ?

Ask him.......I doubt he'd be happy if the boot was on the other foot.

See what his reaction is.
My guess is that it won't be good.

Flowers
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