should I keep trying?

[nomoreclue]

I’m after some advice. I’ve been married a long time. It’s always been difficult and I haven’t had my emotional needs met but I kind of accepted that and filled my life with other things. After the birth of our first child things got really difficult. Financial and emotional abuse. It got to the point where I asked for a separation. He now wants to try again and is being super nice and sweet and caring. He’s trying really hard. My problem is I can’t forget/get over some of the nasty things he’s said in the past. When I say past I mean years ago. Things he did/said when our first was born. Things like walking out on me angrily rather than giving me a hug when I was on the floor crying one morning. I’d had weeks of very little sleep with a teething baby and I was in tears just utterly broken and it turned out I had severe PND. Things like telling me to “shut that fucking baby up” when he was months old and teething and up crying all night. There’s lots more examples. However, he has had counselling and he is now trying although he is naturally an over bearing, controlling, domineering character who always knows best and wants his own way. I’m utterly exhausted from being around him over the years and feel like I’ve lost sense of what I want, who I am and what I need out of life to make me happy. I also feel like I can’t trust him. I could go with this new him 100% and try but then I’m always in the back of my mind waiting for the “snap” or the criticism or the barb that could come at any moment or if he’s challenged or having a bad day. I basically don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. Should I go with it and should I forgive what happened in the past. It’s not like he cheated. He has a vicious tongue when provoked but then am I expecting too much? Everyone can lose their shit when sleep deprived although I haven’t ever sworn and I never really wanted to be with somebody like that, I don’t really know how we ended up together to be honest. My question is would you forgive the past and try with the new DH for the sake of the kids/family?

What you describe does sound pretty hard to forgive, I think every bit of love and respect for him would have gone out the window the first time he told me to shut the baby up tbh. Counselling can work wonders but I'm not sure it can make a nasty person into a nice one and it sounds like that's what would be needed to make this relationship tenable for you.

Only you can decide what you want, just don't make those decisions based on what you think you should do. Your happiness counts, you've sacrificed it for long enough already so if your gut feeling is that you will be miserable with him I would trust it

Thanks for your advice. It’s interesting to hear your opinion that your love would go if you’d been told to shut the baby up. I feel like that but friends I’ve spoken to brush it off and say “there are worse men out there”. It’s made me feel that I’m unforgiving. Which I am I guess but this wouldn’t be an issue if when (at the time) he’d apologised or tried to make amends for using that language rather than stomping angrily around when I stood up to him and said it’s unacceptable to speak to me like that. I feel very resentful because I’ve been forced into the position of dealing with this against my will. I didn’t ask for or act in any way that warranted this type of behaviour. I’ve never acted or spoken like that and yet I’ve had my kids childhood/my mental health kind of ruined by these type of incidents. I just wanted to raise my kids in peace and harmony with support and kindness. Maybe I’m naive and deluded and everybody deals with stuff like this?

I think all relationships have rough patches. Often there's fault on both sides and it can be worked through. A lot of couples struggle and get twitchy when they're sleep deprived and gave a baby.
However, your situation is more than niggles and grumbles. He sounds like he was incredibly mean to you and has hurt you really badly. I have a MH diagnosis, and my OH tries very much to be supportive of I'm having a bad day, even though I know he sometimes wonders what the he'll to do.
If he told me to fuck off and left me sobbing I would find that impossible to forget.
You have every right to live in peace, and so do your kids.
You can't have any respect or affection left for him.
I think you would be entirely justified in continuing the separation and planning to divorce.
And remember the generally accepted advice is not to go to joint counselling with an abuser - which is what he is - so don't agree to that if suggested
Some counselling on your own would be brilliant. Help you find your sense of self and your strength.
Don't get sucked back in

No. Don’t keep trying. You can raise your kids in peace and harmony on your own. The only people who deal with things like this are those who remain in abuse relationships. It’s not a matter of you forgiving him. He is putting on an act now to convince you to stay. Once he thinks you are staying he will go back to the abuse. It’s almost impossible for men like this to change. They have to take a course, take full responsibility for their behaviour and admit their abuse. But even then the majority don’t change behaviour long term.
It concerns me that you describe him as naturally being controlling and domineering. It’s not natural. It’s a choice that he makes over and over again to hurt you. That’s what abuse is. They get a kick out of seeing the pain and disappointment in your face. It’s a high for him every time he gets you to do what he wants rather than what you want.
He could choose to be kind to make you feel good but he doesn’t. He chooses abuse to make you feel bad to get his high. This is cycled with the ‘nice’ behaviour to keep you close and to contrast the abuse so that it is even more jarring for you when he is nasty. That’s what the cycle of abuse is.
Read ‘Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.
Do the Freedom Programme. You can do this online. Or read The Dominator which is the book for the course.
It’s never too late to leave for a better life.
You only get one life.

In your circumstances I left.
I live with my son now, no adult relationship but nice hone, peace, harmony. We have a happy relaxed routine. I don’t have any help with childcare and it can be difficult if ds is ill because I work full time.
But life is much better. There is no nastiness in our house, no bullying. If I am lied to it is only about how much homework hasn’t been done.
I don’t think Il ever want to live with a man again.