I need to leave him don't I?

[loulou20106]

I've been with my partner for ten years and it's just dawned on me we don't work and he's actually quite an arsehole of a man. I think almost emotionally abusive but I'm not sure.
We have two children together and another on the way I'm heavily pregnant now. He works I stay at home he's job isn't anything great but he works. I do all school runs unless I beg him to do one, he might tidy up but none of the big stuff like washing or floors or things like that, he might cook here and there. But everything else is down to me.
I have to beg him for money each month otherwise he won't give us anything, I mean he does buy the kids stuff here and there but not often it falls down to me.
The thing that does it for me though is he offers zero emotional support I mean none at all.

I have to beg for hugs and when I do get one he says don't ask me again, I will pour my feelings out to him and tell him how stressed out I am doing everything and feeling the way I do and he says nothing, not a word nothing. If I say to him look if you suppprted me more and comforted me then I wouldn't feel this way, he tells me he will leave me and move on as things would be better on his own and he wouldn't have to put up with me.

He doesn't take me out as he says I'm to pregnant, I don't look nice anymore but even before I got pregnant he never ever wanted to go out and I'm not allowed on girls nights out as I'm not trusted, so I've never been raving, clubbing, girls night out, weekend away etc nothing. I've never been abroad etc I've always been indoors with him.

He's my only relationship I've had and I've been with him since I was 17. I don't know what I want to achieve by posting I just wanted someone to listen I feel like I'm about to explode with stress or breakdown I can't cope anymore we sit in silence if I try and talk to him he doesn't say anything but will talk to his friends for hours. I do have anxiety so maybe it's just me overthinking but I don't think this relationship is right.

I tell him I love him daily and ask if he's ok all the time or if I've done something wrong he never says I have and he tells me he loves me sometimes but he doesn't compliment me he doesn't make any plans with me or the children he doesn't comfort me ever, he doesn't give any support when i just want someone to cuddle me and say it'll be ok. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like this because of him. I just feel so stuck lonely and lost.

He doesn't like my friends either so that always causes his mood to go down when I go round there rarely or walk with them on the school run. I also don't trust him as I caught him messaging another woman last year now he's taken his thumbprint of his iPhone incase I try and get into it again, and he's turned all notifications of on his phone so nothing ever shows up either.

Sorry this is so long there's so much more to post also just thought I'd get the most annoying parts off.

He sounds horrible.
He sees you as a rather annoying pet or posession. He certainly doesn’t respect you and your children shouldn’t see this as a relationship to aspire to. I’m sorry but you should leave.

Run, you are in a relationship with a monster who doesn't give a fuck about you and thinks of you as a domestic appliance rather than a person.

He sounds appalling. You need to leave. It may seem scary if hes been your only partner, but from what you have said he hasn't been much support to you so you're pretty much a single parent anyway.

And yep, I'd bet my last pound you wouldnt feel this way about yourself if you had a loving relationship.

The messaging another woman shows you the type of person he is. Men like this rarely change, they just get better at hiding things.

Leave him OP. Take each day as it comes. It will get better.

Yes I think you should leave.
You know in your gut.
He should live you no matter what , find you attractive, listen and hug you.
He should do 50/50 As soon as he steps in from work.
You should have a joint bank account as it's half yours. He is able to work because you provide everything for the children. You work too if not more than him! He should appreciate the hard work you do and trust you to go out when you need a girly night to recharge.
He should bring home dinner on occasion especially now that you're heavily pregnant.
Ideally he should treat you like his queen.

You deserve so much better.

I'd be starting to make my plans to leave him. It might seem insurmountable at the moment, but imagine once the baby is old enough for you to work, you could leave him. Seriously look into what you'd need in place to allow you to leave him. Work out how much in benefits you'd be entitled to, work out how much child maintenance he would have to pay. Work out all the figures and find a job to cover the short fall. Your life might be busier with a job, but imagine how much lighter you will feel without him dragging you down. Lots of women are out there, managing ok after splitting with their partners.

Oh my word OP this screams abuse all over the show.

This is not a relationship. Your partner should be there with wide arms when you need comfort, take responsibility around the house. He should be happy for you to have your friends and your freedom, should root for you. He should make you feel beautiful or wanted at the least.

I know it’s difficult when you get in to a relationship so young, I suppose you don’t know any better because you have nothing to compare it to. I was 17 when I met my DDs dad and was with him for 5 years. I didn’t have a clue I just felt like a horrible girlfriend all the time because he made me feel guilty and jealous and like I never did enough.

Years, a few wrong uns and some life lessons later I’ve come to realise I’m a great girlfriend and anyone would be lucky to have me!

OP you deserve so much better than this. There is better than this. Heaps of it x

Thanks everyone for the replies I didn't think it was that bad but it clearly is. I don't think him leaving will be hard he will probably run out the door to be honest. I think I'm just scared to live on my own and be so responsible for everyone but I'm usually on my own anyway and I've done ok for the last few years.
I think I'm just scared without him I'll fall to pieces or won't cope maybe that's my anxiety taking over. I know I need to be strong he's just had this hold over me for years and years. I'm just fed up of not being allowed to be comforted because even if I offload to my friends he tells me off for telling people my business but I have to talk to someone.

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What a miserable existence. You have no idea how much happier you can be than this. He is treating you worse than people treat their dogs.

@Cherrypicker01 That is exactly how I feel like it's my fault maybe I am a bad girlfriend because I moan all the time or ask him for hugs, but it was only when my friend started talking today about missing cuddling someone on the sofa of a night time and going places with a man and feeling all excited I realised I've never had that and instead mine makes me feel sad and it's not normal .

I really feel for you it's so hard to leave but near impossible to stay

Do you want to spend the rest of you life like this?

Good luck but you have to do what's best for you and your kids

This is no existence OP. I’m so so sorry he treats you this way.

We are here for you. If you ever need emotional support or a listening ear. You can do so so much better than him and your children deserve better too. Does he also show them little to no affection?

You definitely need to get rid. You will be just fine without him - and better off.

@99BehaviourProblems No this is the weirdest thing he's very loving to them but not me it's like he hates me or resents me I have no idea. He does this thing when he's angry of saying " You You think your something special" and then says "if only you knew" dunno what that is meant to mean but it's horrible. He is nice to me sometimes but that could be one day out of a month. People are right it is no existence it's just the same thing every day. If he's at work and I go out for a coffee I get moaned at and told I beg people to be my friend and stuff just confused because I don't beg anybody

I am really sorry to hear all this. The nasty comment he makes sounds like he’s either cheating, or he’s spiteful enough in an argument to make you want to believe he is cheating. Either way, he is absolutely being emotionally abusive to you. It won’t be easy but take steps to leave now, you’ll thank yourself later. And always remember that you will look back on this and be proud of yourself for putting you and your kids first. Hugs.

It's just confusing because it's so up and down today he's been horrible but now he's gone to Tesco's to go buy stuff to make us dinner I never know where I stand at all.

Click on this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and scroll down to find your nearest branch and make contact tomorrow. Alternatively, google your local council to see if they operate a domestic abuse unit

You don't have to live in this miserable manner when all the help you need to break free from an abusive and controlling man is just a phone call away.

He sounds awful.

For now, don't let on to him that this has dawned on you. Take some time to find out where you stand, get details of finances etc and talk to a solicitor. I have a feeling he could be quite nasty if he knew you wanted to leave - and I'm not saying that to warn you not to leave him. Quite the opposite.

I think once you're out of the relationship, you'll find your anxiety isn't such a problem. He doesn't actually do anything for you as a partner - without him undercutting your confidence and clipping your wings all the time, you'll realise just how competent and able you are.

Why do you think you love him? What does he do to earn your love and respect? You can't possibly actually love him. Fear him maybe. Want his love maybe.

I think when you can see clearly that he does not love you and in fact you do not love him you will be able to emotionally detach from him.

You deserve so much more. The very least you deserve is kindness. Love, respect, friendship should be there in spades with a partner. You have none of these.

Please leave him.

I don't think going to Tesco for food is a show of affection to be honest, for any decent man that's a standard thing to do. He has made you insecure and is maintaining /enabling your insecurities, plus he's manipulative. He enjoys your begging.

You do need to leave, and soon. Life will be better without him. You need to open up to your friends and family and ask them to help you change this situation. You're only 27.... plenty of time to meet someone who treats you properly. It's scary, but try to be strong.

He really is a nasty abusive bastard. He is emotionally and financially abusive and tries to isolate you from having friends. Start saving secretly, quietly sort out your finances, take advice and plan a future without him in it. Life will be bliss compared to how you are living now. You should be roaring through life in your twenties - not tied to dismal toad of a man. You were only a kid when you met him and could not judge what a fucker he is - you won't make the same mistake twice. Good luck. Have a great life without him.

Did you grow up in an abusive/chaotic household, OP?

I got as far as ‘I’m not allowed on girls nights as I’m not trusted’ and stopped!

It was upsetting to me just reading that!

RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN...