Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I over-reacting?

17 replies

ruralliving19 · 09/10/2019 10:18

So, having tried online dating with little success, I recently tried a niche introduction agency. I've been single 5 years since my divorce, have 2 children. For context, my ex-husband was controlling, so it's possible I over-react to red flags about controlling behaviour.

Was sent the profile of this guy, was initially sceptical as we have very different backgrounds but thought I would try not to pre-judge.

Anyway, he emailed me and suggested talking on phone and meeting for a coffee. He lives about 2 hours away. I said that my mobile was broken at the minute and I didn't want to give my landline in case the kids answered but that I'd meet for coffee and I offered to meet in the middle.

He continued to push for my landline number even though I'd said no and then suggested we meet that weekend for coffee. He said he would come to my town. I said I couldn't do that weekend but could the next and suggested a coffee place. I then said I'd like to keep the first meeting to about 1 to 1.5 hours, partly because I think it's a good idea to keep first meetings short and sweet and partly because of childcare reasons.

He really did not like this and told me he thought this was unfair as he was driving 2 hours to see me and I should arrange more childcare and give me more of his time. I suggested 2 hours max and he continued to push for more. He said 'most people would think it was crazy to put a time limit on a date' and that he didn't like being put second to my kids from day one.

At this point, my alarm bells were ringing and I said I no longer felt comfortable meeting and I was cancelling. He's since emailed me to say that he's a very easy going and down to earth guy and any guy I meet is going to expect the same - a phone conversation and no time restrictions on the date.

So was I right to have alarm bells ringing or was I over-reacting?

OP posts:
ittooshallpass · 09/10/2019 10:22

No you weren’t over-reacting at all. He should have respected your requests and not have pushed on regardless. You are right to cancel. It’s probably better to date someone closer to home. Someone living 2-hours away is not going to easy.

luckygreeneyes · 09/10/2019 10:23

He sounds like a pain, I’d cancel. I also think it’s pretty pointless to try online dating until you have a mobile

NewMe2019 · 09/10/2019 10:25

Jesus, you were not overreacting. He didn't like taking no for an answer or you asserting clear boundaries. The comment about being second to your children alone is a huge red flag.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2019 10:26

Clearly he should have respected your boundaries, but no phone calls and a pre planned time limit seems a bit odd.

Was there a reason you couldn't call him? And why the need for a preplanned time limit, when it's done it's done.

ruralliving19 · 09/10/2019 10:26

I normally do have a mobile but I dropped it and it smashed! Should have it back in a couple of days, I did tell him that. But I'm quite glad he doesn't have my number after all now!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2019 10:27

he didn't like being put second to my kids from day one.

This man is lunatic. Red flags all over the place.

ruralliving19 · 09/10/2019 10:29

Bluntness100, I was willing to phone him but he pushed for my landline number. And I thought I was being polite by telling him in advance how long I'd be able to stay, but maybe I should have kept quiet.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/10/2019 10:29

It's really, really common for first coffee dates to be short and sweet - as in, two cups of coffee each length - but tbh I don't think people normally articulate that out loud. So I can understand him thinking 'that's weird'. But what's a red flag is how he reacted to that. Not wanting to come second to anyone's kids - he's not someone you could ever have a relationship with, is he?

forumdonkey · 09/10/2019 10:30

Just reading your OP gave me the jitters and I was so happy to read that you've cancelled. You absolutely did the right thing and you should continue to keep your boundaries high.

Wilmalovescake · 09/10/2019 10:44

I dunno tbh.
If this was all done over email I can understand it sounding a bit weird to him. And offering to do four hours driving for someone to tell you in advance that they’d only stay an hour would get my back up a bit.

The comment about coming second to your kids well out of order though.

Just doesn’t sound like you’re a good match tbh.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2019 10:52

and that he didn't like being put second to my kids from day one
Well done on spotting all the red flags.
NO-ONE should ever expect to be put before someone's kids.
WTAF???????
RUN OP - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

8BumbleBee8 · 09/10/2019 10:53

Your alarm bell was right.
Controlling people hate boundaries and rules. He is already showing his true colours.

Musti · 09/10/2019 10:53

God, loads of alarms!

bloodywhitecat · 09/10/2019 10:53

You did the right thing, of course he is going to be in second place to your kids, he'd be in second place to my pet goldfish for an initial meet up. I think the time you had allowed to meet up was more than reasonable. There are some good people out there in the world of online dating but there are one hell of a lot of dickheads too.

Aussiebean · 09/10/2019 10:56

Wow. Talk about setting reasonable boundaries and not letting someone walk all over them.

Hats off to you. Flowers

AzraiL · 09/10/2019 10:57

You're not overreacting to red flags, you've just become better at spotting them and your tolerance to bullshit threshold is zero. Good job for avoiding that one!

Interestedwoman · 09/10/2019 11:00

' he didn't like being put second to my kids from day one.'

Noo well then he's a wrong'un then! I imagine someone with kids would always put them first, and most people would understand that.

Do you have Skype btw? I don't use it for video calls as I don't think it's flattering, but have used it a couple of times for voice calls. The advantage of it is it doesn't give the other person your phone no.

Sorry you had such an annoying/creepy experience. Best wishes. xxx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread