Porn in marriage

[Nickynoonoo1980]

Hi I really need some advice our little boy was diagnosed with cancer when he was 3 years old so as you can imagine I spent a lot of time in hospital with him having chemo and infection after infection fast forward to end of treatment hes doing really well but my marriage isn't I found out last year that while I was in hospital with our son he signed up to lots of porn sites and went off into his own little world I was heartbroken that that's what he used to cope other women on a screen asking them to do things and talking to them then it got out of hand we nearly split up cos he wouldn't stop to be then told in a screaming argument he couldn't stop he was addicted to the point of several times a day this was last year we got him some counselling to then find out he didn't even tell her about the porn fast forward a year we are no further on he just lies about it now hes not doing it any more when I know he is I just dont trust him we have been through so much as a family but its getting to the point where I'm giving up on our relationship why should I fight for it on my own please dont tell me it's just porn every bloke does it I know that but not to this extreme I feel like I'm going crazy

Not cool. Life is too short. Can you separate? Would you be able to?

This isn't porn if he is interacting with these women, this is cheating. I couldn't put up with it. If he won't stop and respect you and your marriage then I would have to leave.

So sorry he has treated you this way.

Glad your ds is recovering though.

You’re NBU, OP. You’re taking care of your DS like an adult, and your husband is escaping into these horrible sites (and presumably spending much needed family money on this) and not dealing with the situation. I would not be impressed either. Sounds like a selfish prick to me.

I'm glad your son is doing much better.
As for your partner using interactive porn sites is cheating. How would be feel if you did the same?
You have tried counselling and if that hasn't worked, I would move on. Separate and find someone who is loving and supportive.
He has sabotaged your relationship and is continuing to be selfish with his addiction.
He is not trying to have respect for you or improve himself.

You and your DS deserve so much more than this pathetic excuse

Why wasnt he in hospital supporting you both? Get rid OP

It's not just porn and no every bloke does not watch it.

Look, if it is upsetting you and he won't stop then yes, you need to take steps to split. I wouldn't stay with someone who was choosing to disrespect my feelings and masking me sad.

If he has an addiction, I would stay and help support him through it if he was trying to help himself. If he wasn't, I would again make steps to split.

You are not going crazy, he is in the wrong for disrespecting your feeling, even if every bloke was watching it (which they don't) that doesn't mean your husband can if it upsets you.

You gave him a second chance by staying with him while he went to a counsellor- he hasn’t even got the decency to talk about his addiction and try to stop it. Don’t waste any more time with him, he’s not going to change.

And not ALL men do look at porn, men are not one big blob who are exactly the same. Many men do not like porn.

Let's not turn this into a debate about how many if all men watch porn.

I think most men with any decency about them would be at the hospital not looking at women on a screen. OP has asked him to stop, he made no effort too. That's the crux of it.

I am in the process of separation for the very same thing. It was the lies for me that did it I am not keen on porn but it was the breach of trust that came from the lies.

I really feel for you but only you can know what your marriage can withstand and what it is worth. I have stuck around for two and a half years as I tried marriage counselling and really wanted it to work.

Take care

It seems that when these blokes are caught out, many of them say it's an 'addiction' and they 'need help.' I imagine there are some people who get into obsessive habits with porn, but it does seem like most of these blokes are saying it's an 'addiction' they 'need help' with because they've been caught out, and that is the only excuse they can give if their behaviour is excessive, extreme, or not to the wife's taste.

I imagine they would mostly just carry on but cover their tracks more thoroughly in future.

I can understand it might be something someone uses for stress release while a loved one is in hospital, though it still seems a bit gross to be doing that when your son was ill, but if he's carried on there's not that 'excuse.'

If it's not something you can live with, it's not something you can live with and something has to change. Hugs xxxxx

Watching porn is one thing (I wouldn’t particularly like it but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker as long as it wasn’t very regularly, and certainly not when I was in hospital with my very poorly child FFS). The fact he’s interacting with the women on these sites is cheating though imo. It’s crossed the boundary and he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness instead of making out he’s done nothing wrong.

Thank you so much for your replies I think I've known for over a year that he wasnt gonna stop I just didn't want to give up on us its heartbreaking that no matter how many time I cry and tell him how much hes hurt me if denies it all like it's all in my head he would rather throw his marriage away then be honest x

I think one of the things women on here say is 'I don't mind if its not too regularly'. The thing is its doubtful that most blokes would actually tell the truth on this and its a great deal more than many women realise (I appreciate some women don't care, many do) . My His response cool as a cucucumber when I once asked him was 'very occasionally if I'm away from home'. In actual fact I 'knew' it was at least 4 or 5 times a week and very much when he was at home, (when I was out) occasionally more than once a day . he doesn't know that i know this, I kept it to myself, he hides it very well but doesn't realise I have our system set up so I can see the traffic. I am bloody disgusted to be honest at this level of use. in all fairness it hasn't affected his sex drive- certainly has affected mine, big time!! . Still very unsure what to do about it . he does know how I feel about the industry as its come up in the abstract many times. In this case OP, I find it disgusting when you were going through so much stress. You have a young child though so its different to me, I would make it clear he is welcome to use it, but if he does then you are going to have to reassess if its the marriage you want. I have come to the conclusion that if I find myself on my own I'm staying that way with occasional men 'friends' , because it seems as if this shizzle comes with marriage and we are all expected to just be cool with it whatever age we are-- and few seem to be 'upfront' about it. Maybe embarrassment, maybe they 100% realise not as many women (particularly over a certain age) are as ok with it being used as daily entertainment as they would like to think.

I was married to one who used to use it 5 to 6 times a day had done since he was 13 and probably still does it now, best day of my life when I got divorced. Warped his little soul oh well

OP he wont ever stop, do you have support in RL?

I don’t mind a bit of porn but your husbands use is extreme. Plus screaming at you. You’ve got enough to deal with. He should be supporting you not wanking off to other women! Incredibly sad and disrespectful. You’ve given him a fair chance.

'I was married to one who used to use it 5 to 6 times a day had done since he was 13 and probably still does it now, best day of my life when I got divorced. Warped his little soul oh well.

How do you think it effected him? I'm in theory relatively ok (though I know all the thical arguments) with a bloke using porn, if it didn't effect how he acted.

I did have one ex in particular who I think might've been 'porn sick'- used it excessively and it effeted him. He made very extensive sexual demands, and also demands of my appearance and clothing.