Am I ridiculous?

[WolfOfWales]

I’m married but haven’t been happy for a while. I do all the mental load, DH is a good Dad but mostly just around at the weekend, when we spend time together he tends to talk at me. We don’t have much sex. If I’m worried or sad or excited about something, I would tell my (male) best friend first.

Is this just how relationships are? I don’t know if I should accept this is how things are and always will be or if I should take a risk, split up and perhaps one day have a more fulfilling relationship.

I don’t want to hurt anyone, least of all my children who are 4 and 5.

Am I expecting too much? I don’t know what’s normal (I grew up in a single parent family).

Is this just how relationships are?

Bad ones, yes. Life doesn't have to be this way.

What happens when you do share the load with your DP?

He sounds very evasive this is not a healthy relationship

I think that I have probably enabled him by doing the mental load automatically. It was only yesterday when I was exhausted and near breaking point that I asked for his help and he said it’s difficult because he’s so busy at work.

I work part time in a very busy stressful job and do approximately 30 hours a week. I look after the children on 2 working days a week.

I don’t even mind doing all the ‘wife work’ (awful phrase I know) if he noticed and appreciated it more.

I do everything to do with the children.
I do everything to do with the house.
All my own things.

He feeds the dog (I buy the food) and waters the garden in summer. And looks after himself (does his own washing and ironing).

It got to me recently when I was admiring our nanny and how she’s more impressive than me because she cooks great meals from scratch on 2 out of 3 nights (I love her!). He said that his sister manages it!! His sister has older children at full time school and has 2 days a week at home. She’s also having an affair with 2 men she has met online. I didn’t appreciate being compared! I said well she’s not exactly the perfect wife and he got annoyed because I’m not supposed to know about the internet sex or ever make reference to it.

Then he was away for our daughter’s birthday and I did the whole party on my own. When he got back he saw that two of her presents from nursery friends were plastic and he was annoyed that I hadn’t specified to other parents not to get environmentally polluting things. He said, don’t you care about plastic??

He is nice but I’m worn out, I need some love.

My parents (divorced) are both really sick at the moment and I have extra work commitments coming up. Plus I feel unwell. Sorry. Rant over!

He sounds like a critical knobhead and you seem miserable. Life's too short op

I’m not miserable as such. Just wondering if it’s supposed to be this way. If we split then my life would be harder financially and I would miss my children so much.

I do wonder what it would be like to have someone to share everything with though. But maybe that’s just a fantasy. My male best friend calls me a dreamer.

If anyone else has any thoughts I would really appreciate hearing them. Thanks.

The only positive things you say about him in this post are 'he's nice' (followed by a but) and 'he feeds the dog'
Hardly high on the list of husband requirements!
In all seriousness, it doesn't sound like you're happy and no this isn't the way it's meant to be. I was in a mundane, unhappy marriage for nearly 10 years (together for 14) and the best thing I ever did for myself was end it.
Ask yourself what you want. Do you want to make it work with him? If so then you need to talk with him, maybe try counselling and address what's causing the unhappiness in a neutral setting.
Or do you see a life without him? ......

No, it’s not normal. I always thought that the main point of relationship is to support each other. How could you be with someone without it? From your description he’s basically your lodger who feed the dog, water the grass and play with children at weekends. He doesn’t appreciate you at all, doesn’t support you, doesn’t talk with you much. And he was annoyed about plastic toys when you did the whole birthday party with 2 under 5s!!!!!
Counseling could be good but would he agree to it? It sounds like he needs a big push to change his attitude, probably needs to see that you are ready to leave.
I wonder what his parents relationship looks like and how is his relationship with them. It usually tells a lot.
Sorry if it’s not much of advice.

We had counselling but it didn’t really help.

Both our parents are divorced.
My Mum never really had another relationship.
My Dad had another relationship but it was quite fractious because they couldn’t hear each other well so had lots of misunderstandings. She has since died, unfortunately.
His Mum was married twice more after his Dad. He rarely sees her and doesn’t get on with her.
His Dad has a partner who I have never met. He has no relationship with him and we see him once every 2-3 years.

Basically he has a terrible relationship with both of his partners. His relationship with my difficult mother is also fractious.

He loves his sister.

When we had counselling, none of this mental load stuff came up. I actually only realised it yesterday when I stopped to think about it. The counselling was because I felt like we had drifted apart and were lacking any intimacy.

parents

This sounds really hard, like he is disconnected emotionally. I don't know if it would work as it depends if he's receptive, but my sister did a list of all the things she was responsible for and asked her husband to do the same, then showed him. Done in a non critical way it really helped to bring home just how much she did. I know what you know about the acknowledgment. 😕

I wonder if counselling again but a different counsellor might help....? We were lucky to have one who really worked well with both of us and it definitely saved our relationship. Good luck with it all.

*mean about acknowledgement

He sounds like an entitled knob. Even if his sister dies manage it, why can't he be the one who manages it? Because he has a penis??

30 hours a week isn't really part time and added everything else that's loads. And having to continually change hats means you never get a rest or can catch up.

If you were to split, the knob would have to finally do some of his duty and look after his children and his house or pay someone to and you would have a break and be able to enjoy your life and your children more.