Speaking to someone

[pinkpixie83]

God I'm in a quandary... been on a successful date with someone, and we are speaking on the phone an awful lot, the mental connection and conversation is amazing.

I'm concerned about how to react or deal with something he said. While he hasn't been pushy there has been some innuendo, which I have no problem with. But one comment makes me want to say something.

He said he doesn't like hair in his food... obviously this is obvious what he is referring to and I understand that's his preference, but I am not clean shaven and nor will I ever be, I'm not saying it's a full on Bush but probably more than current trend. But for me its not something I will do. My exh who was mentally abusive insisted and since I've rebelled I suppose, and I can't compromise on it.

Do i say something sooner rather than later so if it is a none compromise for him we can cut our losses before we get too far and I dont feel like a disappointment?

OPy abusive ex did exactly the same thing, and as a result I like to keep a fairly full bush now!

He sounds very shallow if that's some sort of deal breaker.

since I've rebelled I suppose

Good for you :)

If that was what he meant, I find that a fairly repulsive way to refer to you or women in general.

No matter how nice he seemed after one date I would be listening to my gut, which to me says this reveals something unpleasant about him. I would call it quits.

You shouldn't have to "warn" any decent person about this. It just shouldn't be an issue.

I wonder if your past experiences make you feel more inclined to accept others telling you it's not ok, so long as they're less extreme than your ex in how they go about it? Rather than feeling confident to say to yourself "no, I don't accept this"?

I wouldn't bother with this man again. If you do carry on seeing him then make sure you stick to your preference for your body.

My ex was the same. He used to insist on hairless. Even if there was a bit of hair there he would look at me in disgust and say "I hope you're going to sort that out". I rebelled big style! Full on 70s bush for me now! Ha!

I'm confident in my choices around my body now. It's taken time but I'm there.

What I don't want to do is build a connection with someone and be in the position where it for him is a deal breaker and feel sad that that is the case after building this mental connection.

I think he’s got a fucking cheek.
First of all that’s a horrible way to say it. Second it’s your business what you do and if he don’t like it he can lump it. Just tell him.

There’s bound to be the odd thing about him that you won’t think is ideal too.
How you wear your hair is your business. Wherever it is in your body.

That’s his first test on you, OP. If you agree to shave, then he’s made the first decision for you.it may seem like nothing to some, but what does he ask if you next and where does it end. The very fact that he has already implied that you’re not ‘good enough’ for him, unless you change something about your physical appearance. Fuck that!

Though I’d be tempted to have some fun and tell him that you feel exactly the same and did it hurt me h, when he got his balls waxed. 😁

You’ve been on one date with him... and he’s stipulating how you should fashion (or not) your pubic hair?

And now you’re wondering if you should ‘warn’ him that you, a fully grown woman, has pubic hair, to find out if you’ll be a disappointment and it’s a dealbreaker for him?

There must be an absolute dearth of men out there for you to be even considering anything beyond telling him to fuck right off.

I resolved that I will never, ever fully shave there again- maybe a trim but that's as far as it goes. I just find shaving/immac etc a real pain in the arse and I'm lazy :) Also I don't see why I should have to.

Another thought I have is if I stayed with a partner who wants this and I complied with it, it's not just a couple of times I'd have to do it- it's for life! NOPE. Dying my grey roots (on my head :) ) is annoying enough, I won't do more stuff like this than I have to do.

It's all part of being assertive with my needs and wants, which I want to do in every way in any new relationship I enter.

Anyway, rant/ramble over :)

Yes, tell him you don't do that. Explain why if you want to, but you don't have to. Good for you for sticking to your guns. xxx

There are actually men out there who think it's acceptable to state shit like this?? He doesn't like hair in his food?? Yuk.

Sorry op a comment like that would completely put me off and I don't even have hair down there. Whatever you do don't shave it for him, it's a decision for you to make, no one else

Massive red flag. What a vile man.

Yeah this is weird and not really acceptable to even have said this so early on. If you had been in a relationship for a while and he happened to say he prefers it, but its your decision - then fine. But he's pretty much just dropped a really crass hint that is how he wants you to be. Its a no from me.

Without going into too much detail (!) how did it come up in conversation? If it was all about innuendo and word play, flirting etc he might have seized an opportunity to say something he thought was clever/funny depending on what had immediately preceded in the conversation...in which case it's maybe not that it's a big thing for him, but just that he was trying to extend the flirtation.

If, however, he said it more deliberately as if trying to convey an important sexual choice for him then it's possibly a more serious thing for him. We all have our quirks and it's may be that his don't match with yours...or maybe it's just something silly that was said in passing without much real significance placed on it.

It was just some playful flirting and flowing a bit of innuendo around, I guess to test boundaries.

To me its irrelevant how he said it, it made sense in the conversation. My problem is I would like to know if it is an absolute deal breaker for him before invest anymore time.
In every other way he is caring and respectful, he hasn't over stepped any of my boundaries and the fact that he lives an hour away means we are talking on the phone more than I normally would. I don't want to have an emotional relationship and then it come to that point, if it should and that be a complete no for him because all I will have done is hurt myself by emotionally investing

What he prefers or not is his business and the same goes for everybody.
But to actually insinuate in this manner is not nice at all. He hasn’t even got access there yet and he’s already expressing his precise preferences?
Unless you bragged that you were hairless and then he wanted to confirm it’s just what he loves - which is not the case here.

FFS, do you really think "his conversation is amazing"? Maybe you have lost all perspective after being with an abusive ex but this is a revolting way for him to word his sexual preferences and just in a phone call when you've only had one date.

I suppose the fact that you are asking on MN does show your intuition about him is kicking in but you are asking the wrong question. It shouldn't be whether to tell him in advance that you aren't clean-shaven down below. You should be asking whether his terminology is creepy and disgusting....and it is.

Your ex was "mentally abusive" and I think you are already falling into the trap of going for another abusive man.

Well you could go whole hog and bring up the subject of deal breakers more generally before going further? I've always thought this is a sensible idea but nobody ever does it prior to getting more seriously intertwined

It's always like the 5th encounter you discover a fetish or something that you or they will probably never get on board with! There shoud be a sexual compatibility questionnaire that can be issued in advance!

He’s putting you down already/the chipping away - tell him to duck off.

@suggestionsplease1 on the rare occassion I had a BDSM fling, there was a questionnaire to thing in of likes and dislikes. Maybe there should be a general basic one for everyone :)

OP- I had a bloke I told once we were getting off and before he tried it that I didn't like receiving oral, like virtually all men seem to/pretend to be he was very keen to give it. I said 'I don't like it, I just find it really ticklish' or something, and he said 'I'm going to make you laugh and laugh.' Luckily he didn't actually go ahead with it against my wishes, but I wish I'd said 'hell no, you won't.' Hopefully I would now after a few months of therapy lol

I hope this bloke you're with doesn't end up being pushy. If he nags in any way, just be firm and/or get rid of him. Please let us know how you get on xxxxx

He sounds like a right creep

You sure he’s not your ex??

Surely we are all able to express a preference... which is all his done, maybe not in the best phrase, but actually expressing a preference isnt a problem as long as it's just that.
The make or break will be if it isnt something he is willing to comprise on because for me I can't compromise on it.