How to ask for space without misunderstandings?

[BlabbingMore]

Hi all, please help me phrase this the right way as I am all over the place at the moment!

I am going through a moment of major work stress which affecting my mh, and I have been dating bf for 9 months. Bf is also going through some major personal stuff which is affecting his mh and making him very anxious. We are in love and otherwise happy together.

We have a heart to heart about our situations yesterday, and I was left quite confused on how to move forward. He thinks we should just grit out teeth and keep going until external issues are solved and then we will be happy.

However I now question whether we even are in the right place to continue this relationship right now, as we are both struggling so much to cope with our own personal stuff. I wonder if we should take a temporary step back from the relationship or maybe just give each other some space to figure our own stuff out and then resume when we both are in a better place maybe in a month or two.

Would it be crazy to suggest this?

I am unsure on how to communicate with him without making him think I want to dump him (I don't). I love him and I ultimately want to be with him, but everything is such a mess right now and I just can't cope with my mess and his mess at the same time.

You need to be clear what exactly you mean before you ask him to agree to it. It can be hurtful and confusing when someone just asks for 'space'. You need to say

'I want to still be in a sexually exclusive relationship with you but not see each other or talk on the phone'

Or

'I want to be single and maybe take our relationship up again in a month or two'

Or

'I want to cut our contact time down to once a week'

What actually are you asking him for?

I want number 1, I don't want to end things with him but I think we both need some space and time to focus on figuring out our own issues.

So ask him that. I don't want to see you or speak to you or act like I'm in a relationship with you but I don't want you to move on or see other people.

I'd tell you to fuck right off if I was him, but that's just me.

Perhaps you could gently suggest that to him, Blabbing, and if he agrees it could look as though it was his idea.

Alternatively just not be so available for a while, still see him but be busy elsewhere some of the time. Then when you are together you will be very enthusiastic and other worries will be put on the back burner. Maybe.

It's good that you can confide in each other but you each have to sort out your own issues.

9 months is quite a while to be with someone for them then to come out with something like this.

IMO, if you are going to be in a relationship that leads somewhere such as living together or any kind of long term partnership, then you need to be able to go through things together. If you can't then this relationship or any doesn't have much of a future.

alternatively

The only reason to have a break to deal with your issues is if you're going to hit the issues at this time with therapy and so on so that this will hopefully be the last time you have to work on yourself while not being in some sort of relationship with him. I say this because you presumably don't want the sort of relationship where you take any long term break from it when you want to sort yourself out- maybe a week or so IDK, which is fair enough, kind of like treating what you're going through as an illness. :/ I had an FWB who would withdraw if he was stressed/had stuff happening he had to deal with, but I like to think he wasn't like that with his wife/primary relationship, or as someone's partner I would find it hard to put up with.

Double alternatively :) This need not be an eithor/or- either or both of you could seek therapy and/or meds and then you may be able to both be in a relationship and get the support you need to work on your issues whilst maintaining it.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling- hugs xxxxx

Sorry, if I put things between hyphens for emphasis, it puts it as crossed out, when that's the opposite of what I mean. I forgot that lol

But what if everything hasn't magically resolved itself in a month or two?

What happens next time you go through stress and illness? Will you want the relationship to go into stasis every time life is tough?

I think I follow where you're coming from, but I would be wondering those things if I was on the other side of this. I get that it's quite new still, so maybe that's a factor for you, but are you compatible long term if you need to not see each other at all in tough times to manage it all alone rather than supporting and working through together?

I wouldn't be able to trust you if you bailed on me in this situation. I want a partner who sticks it out when things are bad for one or both, not "come back when you feel better".

I don't want to dripfeed but I just realised this is relevant: his issues come from the never-resolved grief for the end of his marriage a year and a half ago. So it is an issue that is hard to work on together, as it is about his failed marriage and the split of his family. He finally acknowledged he needs professional help and is seeking therapy now.

My issues stem from a very difficult situation at work that involves bullying from my manager who is trying to push me out of my job. I reckon my situation will be solved one way or the other in the next 4-6 weeks.

My boyfriend used to suggest this, when I was going through some difficulties. I wasn’t happy with it. In the end we broke up (he ended it) - we did get back together very soon after (his instigation). I think he realised how much he missed me. At that point I WAS willing to take him back, but I wouldn’t do it again, as I have made clear (and he accepts) either if he asked for space, or broke up with me. He’s either there for me through my hard times, or not at all, and I much as I love him, I would move on and find someone who would be.

I suppose what I am saying is, you can say this to your bloke if you feel you need to, but there are no guarantees he’ll accept it or stand by you. That’s just the risk you will have to take.
I am sorry if that sounds harsh, and I am really sorry for your troubles. Xxx

Bloody hell, I wouldn’t want to nursemaid my boyfriend through resolving his issues around the end of his marriage either.

It doesn’t sound like he is ready for another relationship (yours and his) yet.

Take the break that you need. He may or may not want to resume again in a few months but actually you may not want to resume again in a few months. You may find that the break is like having a weight lifted from your shoulders.

I was going to give you a sharp word then but given your update, I think you're right to act on it. Except I think in tour shoes I'd be asking for more than space and calling it all off until he's ready for a new relationship. He doesnt sound even nearly ready for a new relationship. He needs to sort himself out properly, and then, and only then, should you consider giving it another shot if that's what you both want. Although I have a feeling that once you've made the break you may not want to.

I know there's a condition called Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder where the person is traumatised by a break up and/or the build up to it. Maybe that's why he's still getting upset over it? Either way, he's nowhere near ready for a relationship. Have you considered that this might be a rebound relationship?

It is hard on you if he's telling you all his regrets about his marriage or whatever. That's his issue, not yours. Most people I don't think would be talking to their new partner about that. I can see why you wouldn't want him to go on about that- it's perfectly understandable.

I wouldn't want to nursemaid him either. That sounds tedious.
Are you both invested in a future together?
I'm not sure if it's the right time or it's possible to at least go and visit a friend by yourselffor a week or something?

Have you posted about this before? Where he leans on you emotionally, but doesn't reciprocate the support? If it is you, and you've spoken to him about it and it's still the same, then a break isn't going to solve anything. Because there will be hard times in the future, and it's no point being in a relationship with someone who can't or won't support you through it emotionally and where it's always a one way street.