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Original poster

Marriage vs not

35 replies

Welshmermaid · 08/10/2019 17:37

Hi all!

Is it important for a couple to get married? Or is it ‘just a bit of paper’?

My parents never married each other(they didn’t want to get married)? so I didn’t think marriage was needed, but since meeting my other half, I would love to get married and have that commitment to each other.

So can I please ask you - what were your reasons for getting married or not getting married.

Thank you

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/10/2019 17:50

It's a legal contract giving you rights and protections. Not a piece of paper.

Jesse70 · 08/10/2019 17:53

Wow that's romantic!

I've never been married but I do think there are some benefits(for some)
And it's nice to have the same surname I think

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 08/10/2019 17:58

If you’re lucky you meet somebody so wonderful that nothing else is good enough.

NameChangeNugget · 08/10/2019 17:59

It’s good to have in place for the person who has most to lose in a relationship however, seems like an antiquated concept, in 2019

LFLM1 · 08/10/2019 18:03

I think it's a very personal choice. Being married doesn't make a relationship superior. I loved my wedding day and I love being married. It's making a serious commitment to each other which I think is romantic. I also think the legalities of being married are very important when it comes to finances, especially if you have a young family. All
That aside, if you're happy and secure in your relationship, I don't think it matters.

LFLM1 · 08/10/2019 18:04

Also....my children has my husbands name so I was the odd one out. Sounds silly, but I wanted us all to have the same surname.

Ohladedah · 08/10/2019 18:05

What are the legal rights and protections that cine with marriage? Specifically?

Pipandmum · 08/10/2019 18:05

I’ve been married (now a widow) because I was asked and wanted to get married and have children. It was a public declaration of our love and commitment to each other.
My cousin has been with her partner for 25 years. They have never married. She says that she feels deep down that he is not fully committed to her. They have a house together and and left children to fate (one nasty miscarriage). He probably feels married, but they’re not and part of her will always think he doesn’t love her enough.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/10/2019 18:13

Legal protections... Assets are shared, inheritance, automatic PR for children, some workplace pensions (i.e if my DH was to die at work, I would get a pension of 2/3rds his current salary, a girlfriend would get nothing).

SimonJT · 08/10/2019 18:14

I want to get married, not for the legal aspect, I just think it’s a nice thing to do in a committed relationship. If it wasn’t legal for me to get married I would still want to do a non-legal ceremony, to be honest, I would still be happy with a non-legal ceremony.

campion · 08/10/2019 18:15

It's a legal contract giving you rights and protections. Not a piece of paper

Exactly. Same as those pieces of paper, your passport and birth certificate, which are also legal documents.

Plus marriage is a public declaration of your commitment to each other. You actually have to say those promises rather than just assume the other person thinks that way too.
If you don't both think that way,don't get married,but make sure you could live independently if it went pear shaped.

lassofthenorth · 08/10/2019 18:16

All about the legal protections for me ... I am now getting divorced, my marriage wasn't good for me financially but without it I would be even worse off than I am now.

june2007 · 08/10/2019 18:17

To me it is a decleration to be commited to each other.(I say intent as it doesn't always work.) But when cohabiting there isn't that public decleration. Cohabiting coules stastically are more likely to beak up. Legally your more proteted and parentl rights are more protected.

zsazsajuju · 08/10/2019 18:19

Marriage doesn’t give you “protections” rather legal rights and obligations which may or may not benefit you. For me I stayed unmarried and was better off after the break up as I was the wealthier party.

kenandbarbie · 08/10/2019 18:20

Officially making your husband your next of kin.

Hooferdoofer37 · 08/10/2019 18:20

Marriage means you get certain tax breaks, both in life (& more so on death).

As a spouse you are next of kin and get to make important decisions like "shall we turn the life support off?" Which is pretty major in my book.

There are also pension benefits, so I for example will get my husbands work pension if he dies before me, but if we weren't married then I wouldn't.

I also get other benefits from his job, such as health, life insurance etc as his wife.

You also make a commitment to each other that (even in a cheapo registry office) feels very meaningful (to me at least).

I've lived with partners before and it in no way felt like the commitment I made to my husband on our wedding day.

pog100 · 08/10/2019 18:30

"Marriage doesn’t give you “protections” rather legal rights and obligations which may or may not benefit you. "
Very true. As others have said it gives 'protection' to the weaker party financially. This has traditionally been the woman but it's no longer always the case. However it seems reasonable either way around?

lassofthenorth · 08/10/2019 18:35

I earned twice what XH did and had twice the equity in my home that he did when I met him. The choices we made together meant that he ended up as the wealthier party at the end of our marriage.

He has been really fair financially in our divorce, I don't know whether he would have felt that obligation had we not married.

I do think that marriage offers protection, my financial situation changed so much during our marriage that I could never have foreseen it.

Technically I would have been retired by now, instead I will be working until I am 68 at least.

So yes, a degree of financial protection in my book, much of which is listed in Hoofer's post.

user1493413286 · 08/10/2019 18:40

I never used to think that I would be bothered but once I met DH I wanted to in both a romantic way of having that commitment and unity and once we’d had a DD I wanted the legal side of it as it felt like protection. It also does make me think I would work harder to make it work if/when we hit problems

meditrina · 08/10/2019 18:40

I wasn't in UK the time, and the difference a 'bit of paper' (legal, binding agreement) made was significant.

It's still pretty significant here.

It sounds as if you haven t really looked in to it yet, welshmermaid and I think you need to, just as everyone needs to know that there are important differences, so they have the information that lets them choose what is right for them.

This is a good starting place

www.mumsnet.com/relationships/legal-rights-for-unmarried-couples

Always think carefully before giving up financial independence or compromising your career, earning power and long-term prospects.

whiteroseredrose · 08/10/2019 18:53

For us it was a public declaration of our love and commitment to each other. It is also a financial commitment.

It makes sense in terms of Inheritance Tax as spouses inherit tax free. As previously mentioned with some annuities a spouse would get 50% on death; a partner gets nothing. If someone dies intestate their estate would go to parents or siblings not a partner. I'm sure there's more.

honeylulu · 08/10/2019 19:05

It's a legal contract which provides some assurances you may wish to have.

Principally it provides financial protection to the lower earning partner particularly if they've sacrificed career/ earnings/ pension to bring up joint children. In the event of a split the assets are shared fairly, or that's how it should work.

Automatically next of kin.

Certain pensions and policies will only pay out to a spouse on death.

If you plan appropriately your children can benefit from a double whammy insurance tax free band on the death of the last spouse.

It's not about romance (sorry) or changing your name (I didn't).

Not being married is cool too, all down to personal choice, just inform yourself before deciding.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/10/2019 19:12

Marriage definitely

It's not about the legal rights (I earn more than DH by a lot anyway)

For me it was the fact lots of people could be someone's girlfriend but only one person (hopefully) can be someone's wife. I wanted to be that person to someone

I also wanted to have kids and didn't want someone to marry just because I was their kids mother - I wanted someone to marry me for me

It's a show of unity and commitment

MoggyP · 08/10/2019 19:15

"Or is it ‘just a bit of paper’?"

It's just a bit of paper in the sense that £20 notes are. If you don't value bits of paper, you won't mind me emptying your purse, will you?

timshelthechoice · 08/10/2019 19:20

God, the ol' 'piece of paper' crap! So many daft people who fall for that and wind up unemployed, homeless and without any recent job experience trying to find a landlord who will take UC or staring down a dodgy B&B hundreds of miles from where they are because 'DP' decided it was over and the other party gave up full-time work to move into 'DP's house and look after the kids. Being a boyfriend or girlfriend is meaningless in law, so are engagements that result in shacking up with a ring.

If you're going to live with someone and not be married, never ever give up an inch of financial security for it.

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