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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to deal with 'stiff upper lip' boyfriend

12 replies

whomovedmychocolate · 08/10/2019 17:23

TLDR: Boyfriend of 14 months has never said I love you and refuses to talk about feelings, says I should judge him on actions. I am perimenopausal hormonal crazy person who wants to bludgeon him with a teaspoon for this attitude.

Actually that's a pretty good summary.

He's very old fashioned. I love him and I think he does love me but it intensely irritates me that he doesn't say it. I have walked away a few times because of this. He is, on paper, pretty perfect. But if he was on paper there would be no words because he'd refuse to articulate them.

Do I need to get my strokes from different folks (ie seek affection elsewhere - no I don't mean cheat but emotional support)?

Is it his upbringing? He's always been very very self-reliant and successful in business as a result. He doesn't think I should need reassurance in the form of words.

Has anyone else managed to get to grips with this problem?

OP posts:

amiapropermum · 08/10/2019 17:38

Have you read about the five love languages? There are different ways of showing love - and recognising it.

www.5lovelanguages.com/2018/06/the-five-love-languages-defined/

Original poster

whomovedmychocolate · 08/10/2019 17:40

I haven't no. Thank you for posting the link @amiapropermum will go have a read

OP posts:

Packit · 08/10/2019 17:41

I had a husband like this, he was very educated. can see their point. Actions speak louder than words. Not that he did much in the way of action either 😂

I think lots of men think like your boyfriend. Has he shown actions of love for you ?

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 08/10/2019 17:45

If he's perfect in every other way then I think it would unfair for you to push him on this. Lots of people say I love you then treat their partner badly - the saying actions speak louder than words became a cliche for a reason.

My DH is similar - although he will say I love you, he doesn't talk in any depth about his feelings and sometimes looks like a rabbit in the headlights if I talk about mine BUT he shows me his love and concern by supporting me, looking after me when I'm ill, cheering me on when I doubt myself and in a million other practical ways.

Now I talk through the emotional stuff with friends and accept him - if you can try this, please do.

loveyoutothemoon · 08/10/2019 17:45

Have you asked him about it?

Original poster

whomovedmychocolate · 08/10/2019 17:52

@packit ish....actions of love - he's very good at listening to me waffle on about mundane crap. He's very kind towards my children. If I say I want to do something he supports me, mostly. Unless it's fitness related but I can't blame him for that I guess.

@FranklySonImTheGaffer Oh good, not just me then. I think he'd rather we just zipped all the feelings into a bag and threw them into the sea frankly!

@loveyoutothemoon Yes many, many time, so often in fact I hate the conversation because it makes me feel needy. He is almost as stubborn as me too which doesn't make it easy.

OP posts:

Slowchirp · 08/10/2019 18:30

I've been married to one of these for 25 yrs! I understand where you are coming from, because it would be nice just once to be on the receiving end of a romantic gesture or three, but honestly, actions DO speak much louder than words! If he's a good 'un, hang on to him! Tbh I'm quite surprised you would walk away from someone just because they are not demonstrative. For me it's not the most important thing.

And it's early days.. My DH unbent a bit when we had our daughter (half- carrying your naked, bleeding wife to the lav and helping her measure post C-section urine output and similar stuff tends to do that to you ) and he was able to show lots of emotion towards our dd. And now we have dogs, he is very affectionate with them too! . A typical Englishmen really ..but he couldn't be kinder, always tries hard to find a solution to any issue we have, is a good provider, a great cook, a brilliant father, is very reliable, has a great sense of humour and he always has my back in a crisis. And if he says he is going to do something, he does it. Tbh, I would rather be married to someone like that then someone full of empty words.

Did he go to boarding school?

Moonflower12 · 08/10/2019 19:36

My DP is one of these too. Will say 'I love you' but that's as far as it goes. He is affectionate towards the dog but always says 'I didn't want a dog' if asked if he loves her. But I wanted one so we got one- he agreed under sufferance.
He is very cuddly to our 6 y o DD. He thinks the world of us both. Actions not words. Is always there for us.

He is our hero - if I tell him that- he gets all funny. He hates it. But he is our hero. He does all sorts of things for us that are above and beyond.

We have been together through all sorts of things. Rough and smooth.

Moonflower12 · 08/10/2019 19:39

@Slowchirp
Mine too. With the unbending. Perhaps measuring post c-section urine output is the way forward- a sort of weird therapy?

rvby · 08/10/2019 19:56

Most men of his generation will have been told for literally their entire lives that emotion of any kind is a sign of weakness and must be avoided at all costs.

In the nicest way, you barely know him, it's been a little over a year. You're not that special that you can undo several decades of conditioning and make him into the man you'd prefer to be with. Can you not just go off and find a man who fits your requirements rather than harangue him for not being what you want?

If he irritates you at 14 months in, then set the poor man free to be with someone who accepts him as he is. He's a person, not a renovation project.

You ask why he is like this.... it doesn't even matter why. Why would it matter? Are some reasons more acceptable than others? Would you lay off him and be less irritated if, for example, you learned that he'd been horribly abused by someone that he had said "I love you" to when he was a boy? If he'd been blackmailed by someone he loved? What would be an adequate reason?

Would it be adequate for him just to not want to. Just like some folk don't want to perform certain sex acts, or get married, or kiss in public, or have kids? Or does he need to have a "why" that you deem acceptable...? I'll say it again... accept him as he is, or let him be with someone who is ok with him being him. That's what actual, real, grown up love is all about.

Slowchirp · 08/10/2019 19:58

Moonflower12

Your DH sounds lovely.

MiniMum97 · 08/10/2019 21:16

Is he detached in other ways. Does he rely on you when he needs support or does he just depend on himself? If so sounds like an avoidant attacher. This is because he learnt when younger that he could only rely on himself and to not express emotion. This is not normal as others seem very saying - it's common but not functional. This is dysfunctional attachment and can be very hurtful to their partner. It can make you feel as if they aren't properly bonded with you - they always keep you at arms length never allowing you too close. It comes from not having your needs met usually in childhood. He was probably left when crying and/or told repeatedly by words or actions that it was not ok to have to talk about emotions. Google it. There's loads if interesting stuff online. However unless he wants to work on it there is probably much you can do. Either you decide you can live with it or you leave.

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