Should I make him leave?

[Marie84]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years, I have 3 children from a previous relationship. Our problems started back in August when he got fed up of me moaning about him working all hours possible. He said he'd had enough and he was leaving. Obviously I was devastated but felt I had to get on with things for my children's sake. So it's nearly 2 months on and he still hasn't moved out. He says he loves me and wants to be with but but I'm impossible to live with - which I get 🙈 i am just completely confused and have no idea what is going on. Every time I bring the conversation up he just says he doesn't know what he wants or he gets really angry and we end up arguing. I have told him he needs to move out until he can decide what it is he wants but he says he'll go but just doesn't. I obviously want him to stay so I haven't pushed him but now I'm just at my wits end with it. I'm not sleeping or eating and it's effecting my every day life. He just seems to carry on like nothing had happened. He acts the same with me when he is at home so it's just so confusing. I had my suspicions that there was someone else but he assured me there isn't and even showed me his phone. And I think if there was someone else would he not just go? We have a wknd away booked with some friends in a few wks time and he still wants us to go which i just find really odd. I know I probably shouldn't go but I guess I'm hoping it might be what we need and bring us back together. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

So are you together or not? Are you sharing a bed, having sex etc?

Well this is the thing I don't know! He has been sleeping on the sofa but to be honest he did that quite a bit anyway as he gets in late and leaves early. We were having sex up until a few wks ago and I said it had to stop as it was just too hard for me. We don't kiss or cuddle, we used to be very affectionate with each other. Last night I said it's hard not being able to kiss him and he just replied kiss me then! I didn't but I just don't know how to act around him. I know he has been very stressed at work recently (he has his own business) and I just think maybe I'm one less thing for him to worry about if we aren't together.

That's no way to live. Do you rent? Is it in your name? If it is you can tell him this is it and to move. His hours at work, is it likely there is someone there that has turned his head? Hense him no longer needing to come home and sleep in the same bed? Does he contribute to upkeep of the home, fod etc?

He sounds like a bit of a cocklodger. He's using you and your relationship sounds like it's completely over. I would give him a few days to find somewhere else to live and then I would pack up his things and leave them outside if he refused to live after this.

He has worked these hours the whole time we have been together so that alone doesn't make me think there is someone else. The house is in both our names so I can't essentially kick him out. He has somewhere else to go he just says he doesn't want to leave us. I'm just so confused

I haven't been cooking for him, doing his washing etc. His brother who lives on his own has offered him his spare room which is actually closer to his work so more convenient for him. I just can't understand it.

He has to go. This has gone on too long. How are you going to get him out?

It’s not that hard to understand really but it might be difficult for you to face up to.

It may well be that he was never serious about leaving and was just giving harsh and honest feedback on how he feels about you. Which put quite simply is that he doesn’t like your behaviour. Enough for him to say he is leaving but not for him to actually do it. There is probably more to it than that as well and since neither of you are addressing it his feelings will get more negative. The relationship isn’t going anywhere positive.

Why isn’t he leaving? It could be simply that he needs to protect his share of the asset. Moving out isn’t recommended for either party until you reach a settlement and the house is sold.
Or, he is content now he has told you to back off with the supposed moaning.

But you both have to face up to this. If the house is jointly owned and he isn’t the father of the children, then it gets sold or one of you buys the other out. So why not put the options to him and start to move forward with living apart.

The house is rented

All the furniture etc is mine so it's literally just him and his clothes.

Then the conversation should be about removing him from the tenancy and paying back whatever his share of the deposit is. Is this something the landlord will allow and you can afford to do?

There is no point in living in limbo even if it suits him. He either will go suddenly, leaving you high and dry or he will stay put because it suits him to have a convenient roof over his head. Now you have been told to stop “moaning” he has gotten what he wants. He doesn’t need to move. But you should not accept that. He isn’t in this for you or your children.

There isn’t anything to understand. If he was decent and he loved you he would be open to working on things or to trying. He would say that and he would mean it. He didn’t say that he said he wanted to leave.

Agree with Lemon, come to some financial agreement, where the money is split correctly between you ( deposit, bank accounts) and then either you or him should leave.
Be careful though, the furniture maybe yours but if he is paying more o all of the rent it maybe a moot point.

My guess is he’s waiting for something.
Either, he’s waiting for someone else to become available or he’s madly saving up for something ie his escape bolt hole.
He’s also feeling smug as you are expressing how hard you’re finding being around him. He knows you don’t want him to go and do is taking advantage of that.

Either that or he’s really pants at initiating sorting any of this out. He’s literally waiting for you.
I think he’s enjoying the situation at your emotional expense.

If I didn't know him so well I would think exactly the same and probably be giving the same advice. Thank you all, trouble is with talking to friends the tend to say what they think you want to hear!