Confused

[Franemily12345]

I have always imagined my life with kids and have been waiting for the moment when I'd just know that I want them but I'm now in my mid 30s and I'm still completely unsure. When I think about the 2 options, I don't seem to be able to commit to either. I have a great job, partner, home and plenty of stability but I'm hugely active and very adventurous too. I don't like to imagine my life without kids but at the same time, I really don't want to give up everything I have (especially sleep and adventure). I'm aware the clock is ticking and I'm so scared of making the wrong decision and am very confused about to what extent my thoughts of having kids are internal pressures I'm putting on myself as a result of social norms rather than a real desire to have them. Would be grateful for some advice!

It's a very tricky decision to make. I didn't think about it much at all....I did have a burning need for children though. I wanted a child or children BADLY. It affected me daily...I was sad when I saw my sisters with their children because I feared I'd not have any.

You don't feel that...if you did, you'd know 100%.

You're ambivalent about it...

When I was faced with an extremely difficult decision (whether or not to emigrate to Australia) I tried to stop end-gaming...I kept trying to see the worst in either decision...."If I don't move and my child hates her secondary school, then I will regret my choice to stay in the UK"

And "If I DO move and my children don't settle, then it will be my fault because I tore them away from all they know"

And doing this is VERY unhelpful. It doesn't make it easier to decide at all.

In the end, I made the choice based on this....I had an opportunity and an opportunity missed was surely to be regretted.

As bringing a new life into the world is somewhat more serious than emigrating, your choice is even trickier.

So...I would look at it like this. You can still be hugely active and adventurous with kids. Of course it does affect your life...but you do get a special thing in return...a family.

How does your partner feel?

He's very similar to me but as he's younger I think in an ideal world, he'd wait longer but understands that I'm not getting any younger. He's so caring and would be a great dad. I think I just hate not knowing how I'm going to feel and envy people like yourself who just know for sure. My partner is much more relaxed. All he's worried about is money!

Do you love or like your work?

Love it but feeling less in love with it when I think about having a family. Problem is, I earn a lot more than my partner so I'd be the one going back to work anyway

Am worried about that part a little too as I'll feel I'm missing out being back full time but don't have much choice

Well, have you any savings? Many Mothers take just one year off and their babies are fine...is it the sort of career where you could just slot back in? The reality today is that being a SAHM is rare....unless you're on benefits or have a very high earning spouse. And even then, too many women end up vulnerable with no decent career prospects once they've been off work for 5-7 years.

Going back to work is a good thing...babies do just fine in nursery.

I realise I sound like I'm trying to persuade you to have children...when in fact...I also want to say that you can have a perfectly lovely life without them.

I know a number of women who haven't. They're mostly professionals...some single some in relationships.

Thank you for your advice. I think you're right that a lot of mums simply have to work now. I wish my partner's parents didnt't live in France though! They're really mothering parents so would love to take a little one off my hands to give me a break as much as we would allow them to! Not sure how keen my parents would be though. They're so busy all the time! Neither of us have any other local family. I'm pretty sure I am going to do this, just need to sort logistics

My family were never hands on when my DC were small. I have two sisters and a Mum but they never babysat for me. I once had an interview and my Mum agreed to sit in the car with DD whilst I went in.

That was it! She sat about twice in the evening for us and when our oldest was 11 we moved to Australia where DH's Mum is more hands on.

It is hard....but you manage.

I think if you are unsure probably best to wait to see if you feel differently. Motherhood is really fulfilling but not for everyone. Its a massive commitment

I think I'd have to work full time and my partner would go part time and then nursery/childminder a few times a week. Does anyone else have experience of this? I'm worried that being mother and working full time won't work

Lots of women choose to be free of children. And have adventurous productive full loving lives. Having a child could be the adventure though, and if you have a burning desire for a child do it!

I personally look at young mums and think to myself 'why on earth would anyone put themselves through that? The world doesn't need it, and it's such a bore. It looks tedious'

And I'm not selfish, being without children, enabless me to be very active in the community, to be at work in school holidays so mum's don't have to be

Hey, what I meant was, I want children but dont know how to afford them....I earn so much more than my partner so I'd have to be the breadwinner so just wondered how that works. I went through a phase of thinking children looked like a nightmare but something has changed for me and now I can't wait. I think for me, its because I've found the right man and my priorities have changed. I've always loved kids but now I can actually see myself as a mum and I'm really excited about the prospect

However, I think that if it didn't happen for me, I'd still be happy because I love my life and totally understand how people can be fulfilled without kids. I have always imagined my life with kids but without them, I can indulge my passion for adventure and sport.

Hi OP,

Have you sat down with your partner and worked out a budget? This may help to reduce some of your fears around money. All of my friends have returned to work after having children and I know of at least one couple where the mother returned FT and the father works PT (she is the main wage earner). On the assumption that you intend to stay in your current company it is worth finding out their policy for maternity leave. This will help you work out your finances whilst you are on mat leave.

I went back to work full-time when DD was 3-4 months old.
And this was 21 years ago.
I honestly wasn't that maternal. Which is why I only had 1 child.
I love her more than life and could not imagine her not being here.
She was hell as a teen but we are best friends now and we love each other soooooo much.
I don't regret going back to work.
The daily grind of being at home all day etc.... was not for me.
It's all worked out though and we have a wonderful relationship.
She's an amazing woman now.
It's a tough decision and I really thought I wanted kids (plural) but after the one, I knew I wouldn't have anymore.

You can go back t work full time and still be an amazing parent. It will be quality over quantity. I worked full time when my eldest was a toddler and then became a sahm when I had my others. However, when I worked full time, my free time was dedicated to my son and I thoroughly enjoyed it because I hadn't had him all day. With my others, I may have been with them all the time but it was a lot of cleaning and practical stuff so actually the fun stuff was about the same as with my eldest.

Thanks all that's really helpful. I am very clear on mat leave and have no concerns about money for the 9 months after birth. It's the time after that and before free nursery that I worry about