Family tension

[Strawberryfieldsforeverr]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for years now and our relationship with his mum has just got worse and worse. I have never felt completely welcome around her as she has always been very cold and I have always felt like I have been kept at arm's length. At first, she was very controlling of my partner and limited the amount of time he could see me for. When we would go out as a family, she would only be interested in having photos taken that didn't include me. I am a very family orientated person and I have always tried so hard with her- (bought thoughtful gifts, done up her garden, took her out) and she has never been appreciative of any of the things I have done. She is very hot and cold (sometimes you could go round and she would be chatting away and the next thing she could ignore you for the whole night). She is a single mum and has constantly spoke with nothing but hate for my boyfriend's dad. She also has a problem with the dad's mother (but when I spoke to the grandmother she told me she had to walk on egg shells the entire time that she had my bf's mum as a daughter-in-law! - exactly how she makes me feel). My bf has tried speaking to her before about how she makes him feel but she just gets angry and nothing is ever her fault in her eyes.
As the years have gone by she has become extremely close to a friend, to the point where they do absolutely everything together (holidays, days out, dinner at the friends many nights a week and she stays round the friends whenever my bf's sibling is not there). Whenever we would go round to see her, she would be going to the friend's and whenever we tried to plan something with her it had to be planned around her plans with the friend! Last year, she told my bf to find somewhere else to live after an argument, hence him moving out. Since then, she's rarely been in contact and is now bitter towards my family too. We have been invited for dinner twice in a whole year and she doesn't ever text him- not even to see if he is okay. She has no interest in inviting us on family holidays and only seems to care about the friend and my bf's sibling.
Following a family weekend together earlier this year (where she was off with us again) she hasn't spoke to us in over two months. She ignores everything we put on facebook and even ignores us at family events.
My boyfriend and I are only young, so have our whole future ahead of us. We know we are 'the one' for each other but it is so upsetting to even think about the future of a wedding and children because of this terrible situation with his mum.
I am at my wit's end and have got upset many times about it. I feel sick with worry on a daily basis about whether we will get a text from her having another go and worry about seeing her every time I go out. I always wanted to have a good relationship with my mother-in-law and I am deeply hurt when we are treated like this for no reason.
I really don't know what we can do ?

You can't change her, she's been like this for a long time and it's not just you (her ex-MIL's story demonstrates this). All you can do is ignore her - stop worrying about her... she's making her bed so let her lie in it. I think you are giving her way too much headspace.

And if you get married you don't have to invite her to your wedding. You'll have a better time without having her behaviour hanging over you, either now or in the future.

You and your boyfriend can decide exactly how headspace you are going to give her. You say she has only invited you both round for dinner twice in the last year - if this is the way she behaves I should be glad of that.

You don't say how your boyfriend feels about it. She does sound rather like a narcissist (but may not be). If that is the case, she won't change. You might want to read up on narcissistic behaviour to see if that fits what's happening here.

It may the case that your BF's sibling is more the golden child. But whatever, if your relationship is to last you should each consider how much emotional energy you want to expend on this woman.

I'd invite her and the sibling over for lunch a couple of times a year. Maybe the friend too, if you feel inclined.

Your BF may want to call her weekly to catch up, maybe text the sibling too.
Other than that, be glad of a low level relationship that allows you space to focus on your own relationship as a couple.

@Mousetolioness thank you for your advice. I have to say, I did look up narcissistic mother the other week and I was amazed how much it matched the way she acts. My boyfriend feels as confused as I am about why we are treated like this. At first, I think he was in denial about it but as time went on and the friend became his mum’s world, he got frustrated that his mum had no time for us at all but that we were still the ‘villains’ and she was doing nothing wrong in her eyes.Both my bf and his sibling said to their mum that she cares more about the friend than them but she just got angry yet again and tried to make them feel bad on both occasions. Unfortunately, his sibling plays the parents off each other. If mum says no they ask dad and they moan about each parent to the other. As their mum is not speaking to my bf and is choosing to be overly nice to the sibling in spite, their mum is flavour of the month with the sibling at the minute so they are choosing to side with the mum (despite previously being the main one to stand up to the way she acts with them).