Exhausted by how bitchy and judgemental my mother is

[Rubbishtimeofnighttobeup]

Just that, really. It's not the only problem in our relationship (she's also controlling, although that's another story) but it's the constant nastiness, almost exclusively about other women, that wears me out.

Sometimes it seems as though she can hardly open her mouth without sneering at or damning someone. She's constantly "shocked" (read: crowing triumphantly) over having caught another woman doing something that she wouldn't do, e.g:

• using a buggy for a three year-old as a one-off on a long day out in the city;
• occasional dummy use in toddlers;
• breastfeeding beyond six months;
• letting a small child sleep in your bed after a nightmare;
• sending a four year-old to preschool for a whole day rather than half days;
• using a nursery (which apparently is the same as abandoning your child in an orphanage):
• letting a sensible ten year-old walk a short distance to the shops;
• having a "sallow" and "unattractive" three year-old DS;
• having a DD with long hair at an age that my mother has arbitrarily decided is too young for long hair;
• having more than two children:
• being "matronly";
• being "tarty";
• being "common";
• being "pretentious";
• putting on a few pounds ("that's her life ruined");
• being "ageingly" thin, etc etc.

It probably doesn't sound like much but I've had over thirty years of her inability to say anything positive about ninety per cent of the people she meets or sees on TV (ninety-nine per cent of the women). The other day, she bumped into the daughter of a former friend of hers whom she hadn't seen in years. The young woman in question has four gorgeous kids and has managed to gain a qualification to work in her dream career in the meantime, but my own mother's comment to me afterwards was a smug "She looks scrawny. That family always did have weight issues". Her comment on another old friend's daughter - who was pushing her new baby in a pram - was "well, she's not as glamorous as her Facebook photo, is she?". Of course, she's always gone on about how bitchy and untrustworthy other women are, despite being phenomenally two-faced herself.

Honestly, I keep telling myself "grey rock" and "you don't have to like someone to love them", but sometimes it's bloody hard to keep a lid on my feelings. She's only in her early 60s and it's not a recent change - she's always been like this.

Apologies for the long rant!

For me, it's like my parents' world is so small. Some evenings, if I go round there, they literally just sit. Not talking, not looking at anything, no suggestion to do something. It's awful.

My dad in particular has no friends at all.

It seems a really awful existence.

My parents are both like this but more in an angry hippy mode - its exhausting, I agree..

The real problem is how to stop it happening to us? I like to think it won't just because I'm so aware of it - but then I see another teenager throwing an empty energy drink can on the ground or a person who can't drive their giant Range Rover and I wonder if I'll be able to hold it in in 30 years time..

My late father used to have occasional fits of negativity

First I told him off

Then I left the house once because it was so annoying

Then I ordered him out of my flat because "that level of nasty is not allowed across my threshold".

He stopped. Thing is, he'd say "I can't help being in a bad mood sometimes" but it sounds like this is your mum's default. I'd tell her you have to be NC unless she changes.

My DM is a bit like this too. Always bitching about the neighbours or people from the bowls club she used to attend. Moans if the neighbours don't interact with her (especially since she was widowed a couple of years ago), but when they do stop and try to chat she cuts them short and doesn't engage, so they can't win. Moans if people don't call her, but doesn't think that the phone works two ways and she could actually call them. Several years ago I decided not to call or go to see her and wait to see how long it was before she came to me (we live close by and I would call/visit weekly). After about three weeks I gave in and went round to see her and she made a bitchy comment "oh, you remembered where I live then", but she had made no attempt whatsoever to get in touch with me. I really dread getting like this as I get older.

Mine too..everything I now do i do out of duty..the gossipy,negative,judgemental,hateful,spiteful,self serving and self pittying shite that comes from her and her pointless drama self created of a life has been a constant to deal with....I hate myself for admitting I just do not like her and I now tell her nothing,do the bare minimum required and like I say do my duty as a daughter..its sad.

Thank you, everyone - I definitely feel less alone now (and wonder how many long-lost sisters I have?!!!!). to you all.

An earlier poster was spot on by describing these mothers (who are really not worthy of the term) that you posters write of as a festering mass of cluster B personality disorders.

Sally - its ok not to like your mother nor to infact see her as often; you perhaps only see her anyway out of your own fear, obligation and guilt. Be true to your own self.

On a wider point such people need enablers. These women have all too willing enablers like their spouse to help them.

I have reached crunch point with mine. I can’t take it anymore. The FOG continues though. It’s so hard to know what to do. I feel I don’t want to see her again really, but she’s elderly and I do worry about her all the same.

I am in the same position.I am really upset about it.My mum has be come increasingly difficult over the last few years and especially since my dad got sick too years ago.We don't live in the same country and I increasingly have the feeling that she feels abandoned by me.I go home often , so far this year, 5 times .Each time I have taken them away for a small break paying for hotels etc just to get them out of the house and to broaden their horizon which seems to have shrunk considerably
Last night I called her and again as always came a tirade about the neighbours , our relations , the weather, my father and his ailments.Other peoples appearance and mine are mentioned often.She always tells me my hair looks awful.Funnily enough , its that what other people compliment me about most.Even my hairdresser says he loves to see me coming as I have such wonderful hair.
What has upset me most is her obsession with our neighbours of 40 years.She had noticed a change in his demeanour and behaviour and had been ranting on about it for weeks and bemoaning the fact that they are so secretive.Turns out he has been diagnosed with cancer.At last she has found out but there came no word of pity for the poor man just a sort of satisfaction in having found out what was going on.I am absolutely so sad that she can be like this.i was going to take quick trip home next week but have cancelled as I cannot face her. I cannot believe what has happened to her.

I think it's very common, sadly. I wonder if waning cognitive function is partly to blame and I wonder if my mother is in the early stages of dementia. Their world narrows, they hate getting older and the restrictions it brings. They feel angry and overlooked and powerless so become more and more judgemental and nasty.
I said to my mother once that her endless complaints about fat people and going on and on about negative things in the news are really depressing. She agreed it was, and stopped for a while, but I think she thinks these negative things to herself all the time and it is very toxic. Occasionally she is very very nasty and spiteful. It takes my breath away, but i remember my grandmother being like this too and dread it happening to me.