Why am I upset

[Sweetpeach3]

I really need stop posting on here but I really have no one to talk to and my head is a total mess

I'm leaving my ex am going back to my house - only at the end of the month as he's took my money so can't afford to leave, like no money for food. gas. Electric etc... he gives me a list to order the food etc. He's very controlling as you'll gather (tried to borrow money an get loans an advanced etc can't get a penny or I'd go now)

I met him when I was 17 so yeah he's my first ever love. We've got 2 DC and 1 on the way
He's so nasty to me , takes every penny I get so I can't do anything appart from with him or his approval, he won't let me see my family as I can't be trusted due to been a "slag", just constantly giving me shit that I'm a shit mum, lazy, fat, ugly, worthless, selfish, blah blah blah list is endless
He thinks iv gave my house up and since this (the past week) he's been adimant to kick me out with the kids. Iv told him I have no we're to go (playing dumb TIL end of the month) he said he doesn't care I should stop poppin kids out an fuck off he's better off without us an he hates me his life is easier without us in it
He has 4 other kids so 7 in total. His oldest 2 lives with me from been 17, I did everything for them even parents evening on my own an I got their uniforms an stuff. He hasn't once done a night feed, done the washing for anyone, helped feed them, cook tea, bath them, sorted birthdays or Xmas or helped make the effort for it all to look nice an special for everyone, doesn't clean or do dishes. He even gets me to wash him in the bath and undress him an make sure his clothes are ready for the morning, if he's hungry he will shout me upstairs to cook for him (whilst he's on his game) an make his drinks etc just little things but he's really wearing me down
I'm sick off been told I'm fat with stretch marks atm an I have a minging vigina that's huge - sorry for the detail but I know I havnt cos his dick isn't that big an iv only been with a handful of people so duno were that comes from haha- my reply is it's just your little saggy willy doesn't fill it 😩 cringe at the arguments !!

Iv booked myself onto a safe to speak course 4th nov , i hope this helps sort my head out and to stay away. iv got everythin in place to leave an iv said il go end of month so he is aware just doesn't know I'm goin back to my house ! He's said he wants nothin to do with the new baby an he hasn't iv got everything myself - mostly my family have for me- an he will just see my oldest 2. He's wished the worst on the new baby and I wouldn't mind he asked me to try for it with him and I don't get this
But now I'm sat home alone all kids in bed getting palpitations, feeling of a panic and upset and I don't see why?
I don't wana be without this twat but I know I have to be to better myself an give my kids th best and show them the right way of life not his nasty abusive ways ?
Why am I thinking like this when ino what's right and wrong. Why am I sad to be leaving him??? Someone slap some sense into me !!! Please MN 😢

OP this is one of the most awful threads I read on here . I’m not a therapist but I think you are feeling scared of being without him as it’s all you’ve known for so long. I read once that victims of abuse often feel a sort of “comfort” in the familiarity (sorry if this is not written well and offends) and don’t see it for what it is. Fear of the unknown (splitting up) is worse than the abusive situation. You need professional help to help you see this and break the cycle. Good luck.

Can you borrow money from anyone so you can get out now?

@KOKOtiltomorrow your right it's the scared of been on my own and I'm more anxious the fact I'm having another baby an I'm guna be totally on my own with 3 young kids and my DS isn't well. I'm trying to get the help to break the cycle because it's so so fucking hard!!!! that's why I'm going the support groups on the 4th to get me out an keep me out of this situation. Just feel so so low tonight an it's all hitting home I'm going to be on my own an I know he's going to make my life hell even more.... I just wish I never got myself into these situations and listened to my parents when they said he's not nice stay away. You just don't think like that at 17 when an older guy is spoiling you rotten and treating you like a queen. Soon as they've got you it's bang - broken nose. Some broken ribs few slaps every other day an stuff . Get you pregnant then they've got you. That's how I feel right now 😔
@firelightbright iv asked everyone. My parents are both really ill atm so don't have much money spare to give me. They feel like shit for it an my friends all have kids and I know they struggle and have asked me for money in the past. Iv applies for loans but been declined as he's ruined my credit gettin things in my name an not paying. Iv literally tried everything
Sorry for my rant xx

Is going into a Women's Aid refuge an option? You need to try and keep yourself and your children safe. I dont mean to scare you, but the point at which women in abusive relationships leave is the most dangerous. Have you contacted women's aid for support?

I agree, contact womens aid for assistance.

Well done for having the strength and courage to leave him.

Being a single parent to 3 will be easier than being constantly abused.

Well done for having the courage to leave. Expect it to be challenging but at the same time, nothing is ever going to be hard again. When you don't have somebody trying to use you to make themself feel better, spewing up their bile at you day and night, you will be able to cope with being a single parent to three. I was a single parent to two when I left.

Do take all the help that you can get and do not do what many of us have done, do not give him a second chance. IF you get away, STAY GONE. They never change. Any man who chooses to behave this badly is fucked up and can only fake being a decent human being for a week or two and then it's back to their old ways. So if you leave, don't put yourself through it repeatedly. Do it once.

@KOKOtiltomorrow, I think it's that our brains want to return to feelings of heightened emotions even if that emotion is anxiety, distress, pain....... there is something addictive about the intensity of these emotions.

So being aware that this is a false ''need'' is good.

My x had trained me to have a heightened awareness of his needs and no ability to tap in to my own needs. So when I did finally escape, that first night away, I felt such enormous relief but I cried for how I knew he'd be feeling (angry, self-pitying, judgemental)

Of course you're going to be scared and sad. That's natural- it's a big step and a difficult situation to be in.

You know you can do it though, and sounds like you're getting psyched up ready for it. Hugs and best wishes xxxxx

I was so scared I'd regret it (which seems ludicrous now) but I NEVER did.

Crikey he's an absolute horror OP. Life will be better without him. I'm a single parent, never had a fraction of the abuse you have but I honestly think you won't miss him that much, it'll be one less arse to wipe x

It'll be one less arse to wipe
That's a valid point. I contacted women's aid a while ago about it an they could put me in a refuge but the only one was the other end of the country an that really put me off because I am quite close with my family when I can be an their a big support....
also I did leave before this is why I have my own house I just kept it behind his back- don't ask how iv got away with it but I told him when he tried to kick me out a few weeks ago I said fine il go home 😂 an he didn't like that an tried make me give it up but I kept it on and just told him my mum recives all my money now an she sends me it (she doesn't but it's the only way I can pay my rent) and he thinks I don't have online banking to check either so iv manages so far just so he can't take every last penny like he thinks he literally does. I just know as long as my rent an bills are paid il be fine but gas and electric ran out last week an he has took every penny iv had since- my spare money I got some maternity pants with and a bra because my last one snapped and I didn't have one that fitted me. Was sooo essential 😩
The only reason I went back to him was because it was so much easier then him comin kicking my door in everyday or turning up at random hours to check I had no one their and things. Eventually he just broke me down an I felt it was easier to go back. We was okay for a few weeks then like someone said. Back to square 1, he doesn't hit me as much as he used to it's more mental and financial abuse now but he has beat me back and blue in the past. Broke my nose twice. My ribs. My toes. Funny thing is this happened once in the middle of Amsterdam square and once outside Chester townhall on my birthday and not one person helped me whilst I'm on the floor and he's kicking the hell out of me- I'm such a mug for sticking around I just wish he could disappear

I guess il be fine either way, it's just the fear of the unknown and been pregnant with a unwell 3yo doesn't really help as my hormones are everywhere anyway regardless to this going on!

I just wish someone would run him over make my life easier 🤷🏼‍♀️
But not everything lasts forever and he's a dodgy guy- only just coming to light!! so I hope it catches up with him. May it be jail or something else
Thank you all for your advice mums x

Goodness me, this is literally the worst thing I've read on here. It makes me so sad that you've had to put up with this. But this man clearly has no respect for you and never will. He'll always be this way with you and the more he 'gets away with it' the more he'll do it😔

I wish I had the answer that if he changed everything would all of a sudden be better, but it won't.

Cut your losses and move on OP. As hard as it is. You're not alone and never will be, no matter what you feel. There will always be someone here for you, even if it's online if there is nobody else, someone will always be here to help.