Husband depressed after second baby

[onetwothreemore]

The short story -
My husband has depressive tendancies ... We met 8 years ago and he was on antidepressants and he stopped them 4 months after we started dating.
We is very introverted and claims he suffers from anxiety... For the past one year he has been going to his GP almost on a weekly basis and was diagnosed with ADHD which he was given tablets for (light dose of amphetamine) he has been doing a lot of research too on the internet and has been self medicating himself with all sort of tablets which I am very much against but he doesn't listen. We have 2 kids under 2 and my husband says he started to feel very overwhelmed after our second baby which initially I didn't want and my husband convinced me we will be fine.

I love my kids and am a stay at home m and am actually really enjoying it. Both, the toddler and the baby are absolutely amazing and they have fallen into a very good routine and sleep through the night no issues no drama eat well and are happy little beings. My husband earns a lot and we are well off. He doesn't have a lot of stress at work and is enjoying his job... I just don't understand him and am finding it difficult to support him when he keeps going on about his depression and feelings of how overwhelmed he feels and he's making me feel upset now... I have tried to find a lot of different ways to support him and told him to take use either Saturdays or Sundays just for himself and I will deal with the kids and he can go out with friends or go to the cinema or have a drink with friends or go swimming or to the gym or find a new hobby. He's doesn't want to do any of these things and is very dependant on me and wants me to entertain him and come with ideas of things for us to do as a family which could be very difficult due to the fact we have 2 little kids and days out are not what they use to be.
I feel really tired having to look after the kids and give my entire self to them and positive energy and then have a husband who is also asking for my attention and wants me to entertain him and it's exhausting and I am starting to struggle now emotionally, physically and mentally... What do I do?

Hi OP

We're so sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time.

We're just giving this a bump for you in hopes that you'll get some advice and support soon.

I'm the one with depression, but understand that it can be hard for family members.

The thing is you need to take time out for yourself too. You can't be a cheerleader 100% of the time. can you make time to just grab a coffee alone?

His self medicating sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Is he willing to attend therapy?

I suggest you sit him down and tell him the truth which is that entertaining two littlies 7 days a week is more than a full time job and you are looking to him to lighten the load by coming up with ideas for activities that you could do as a family.

He may be depressed but this is no reason to give him a trump card that enables him to put all the burden of childcare on you, no matter how enjoyable you find it. If he were to take up your suggestion that he go out to gym/cinema/meet ups etc I would expect it to be a quid pro quo arrangement in that you get equal time out for yourself.

Does he engage with his dc and do you get time to relax and chill with a book/mumsnet/catch up on sleep while he entertains them?

Does he take the medication prescribed for him or is he intent on self-medication? If he did take the prescribed medication was there any discernible change in his behaviour?

Would you be happy to hire a babysitter so that you two can go out as a couple on date nights eg every 2 weeks? It is very draining to have young children and so easy to grow apart from a partner during this time, even if nobody is depressed. It sounds like your DH also really misses having you just to himself. Does he have any close friends to hang out with or is it just you? He sounds lonely as well as depressed. I am sure it is incredibly hard for you but at the end of the day he sounds like a good man who works hard and would do everything for his family so it is in your interests to do all you can to support him. If you can get some childcare, it might be easier for you. Also days out don’t have to be fancy museum/castle trips with young kids. Nice local walks with hot chocolate in a thermos, trip to local pool followed by games/bit of TV for the kids later at this time of year, fireworks nights etc all nice bonding experiences.

Hi all, thank you so much for your comments!
I have sat down with hubby and had a good honest chat with him about my concerns and made it clear I was not attacking him and I do take his issues seriously.

I think we are going in the right direction now both of us have agreed to make some changes in our lifestyle in order to help each other and rekindle.

OP i hear you, oh I hear you.
We only have one daughter (13 months) and already through pregnancy I started to notice this behaviour shift in my husband. He had been so happy to become a daddy, when I phoned him and told him he was going to be a daddy I could hear the happiness in his voice. Long story short, he now for a year and a half has depression and anxiety. Lately it is more anxiety. He is medicated by his psychiatrist. I have had to build a mental sanity cordon around me as I have had to look after baby practically alone. I am working now and she is happy in her nursery. I take responsibility for practically everything. He is now a little better and wants to get back to work and is doing interviews but it is difficult. Two days ago I had a massive rant, or I would have exploded. During the day he had an anxiety attack and had to take lorazepan because of worry over it. Being the spouse of someone with depression is awful, as you say you have to build a wall between them and you or go under with them. Physically, psychologically and economically.

Giving someone with anxiety amphetamines sounds a bit counter-productive to me, even if he does have ADHD. Anti-depressants might be a better thing to try. Could he see a different GP?

At the moment he's letting you take the strain because he can - but what about if you collapse from it all? Sounds a touch like he wants his old life back with all your attention on him, instead of psychologically adjusting to the new status quo, tough though the adjustment is. You're offering him a whole day off from childcare at weekends and it's not enough for him? That's pretty unreasonable. Depression alone doesn't generally demand someone else dancing attendance.

Glad you've had a chat with him but do observe whether this translates into action.