I'm sorry this is a long and complicated one.
DH and I been together for 10 years. I'm in my 40s We had a difficult start through many issues but things settled down into a loving caring relationship and I thought I was on cloud 9 after my previous marriage (and all other relationships I'd had) had been physically abusive.
Lately though have been in an argument cycle almost constantly. Its goes something like this. I bring up a subject that something has annoyed or upset me (it may be about nothing to do with him) , he immediately launches into a tirade of things like "and how many times have you done x,y,z?" " It's always about how you fing feel, never about me." "Of course I must be in the wrong I always am cos I'm such a f*ing useless person", "I'll just learn to keep my gob shut and not have any feelings". The arguments have always followed the same course. We had more in the start, then I learned to control what I said around him and how that my filter isn't working so well as I'm so worn down and tired, the arguing has started again.
I am very careful not to be critical of him personally. We argue, he swears at me gives me the "whatever" answer to anything I say, he storms out, he ignores me for a day or 2, constantly moody. Sometimes he packs his bags and threatens to leave to which I end up begging him to stay. I try to apologise for upsetting him, he rejects me, I try to kiss him goodnight, he turns so I kiss his cheek. I ask him how I can make things right and he rejects every attempt I make to put things right. Then it is suddenly forgotten by him, he's in a different mood and and we move on with nothing resolved. Its almost always me apologising. Very rarely he will apologise to me and buy me flowers and chocolates. It feels like he hates or despises me.
My memory seems to be so poor these days. He says I never tell him of any plans, when I am pretty sure I always ASK him if it's ok for me to make plans for visitors, visiting, spending money etc. He says I never listen to him as I can't always remember what he's told me when I try so hard and even use my phone to remind me of everything now but even then it seems some things I don't remember.
We were so happy for years and the only times we ever argue is when I disagree with DH or I bring up something that I'm annoyed/upset/worried about. So often I can tell he's upset by something and when I ask him if he's ok, I get "I'm fine" when he quite clearly isn't because he's so often moody these days around me but always so smiley and sociable with everyone else. I'm trying so hard to avoid anything that will set him off. Unlike previous relationships I am so lucky, he has never been abusive towards me and has never threatened me so I am so lucky. I just can't stand upsetting him. How do I learn to keep my feelings to myself? I feel like a teenager the amount this is making me cry these days.