Online Affair left me in turmoil

[Frmummy]

I'm not going to win any sympathy votes here and not trying to. I don't want the judgement either honestly I can dish it out to myself and nothing you can tell me that I haven't told myself. I used to be one of those people. Now I crossed a line I wish I never had. I'm just hoping to hear and exchange with people who have gone through this and have come through the other side. I had an online affair for two years with a man in the States. It was stupid and it was wrong. I was in a bad state when it started feeling lonely and sad and chatted to people of various websites. Nothing sexual just music, books anything really. Whenever the person would turn sexual, I'd walk away. Chatting with this guy started pretty innocently too... And then the light flirting came... Before I knew it its two years down the line, I gave myself a good dose of reality check and ended it. Now I feel absolutely awful on so many levels. I deserve it for sure. But I have no one to talk to about this so I just want to hear from people who had similar experiences... Thanks in advance

No judgment here.

How was/is your marriage? Do you want to stay with your husband?

I have no idea... Feeling pretty lost right now... To me the affair is just a symptom of issues I had before I met my husband. I tried to talk to him, communicate even suggested couples therapy back then... But my husband isn't the touchy feely person and he would never have agreed to therapy because he didn't see a problem. So instead of forcing him to tackle problems he wasn't seeing I guess I used this online thing to escape them... I love my husband... By all accounts he is a great guy and an absolute doting father... Everyone calls him perfect... But I have to take some time to thing things through and make a decision about my marriage.. I just have no idea where to start... I don't want him knowing about the affair either. Its not a cop out. I won't hurt him like that. Telling him would be about me, not about him.

Hi OP
Oh dear ...it’s not going to be easy is it?
Firstly- has your affair ended (and how?) or is it still going on?
Also - does your DH suspect? Has he said anything?
And how has this affair affected your behaviour and your relationship- eg less intimacy - disconnection-spending evenings apart?
It will be difficult to see what’s salvageable underneath two years of erosion.
Finally- why are you afraid of hurting him now? People are far more resilient than we give them credit when they know what’s in front of them.

Ok, so you did a crappy thing... now, we are not all perfect, and some of us need to make mistakes to learn. That relationship with the guy in the states is finished. Really... that doesnt matter at all. What you need to think is: do you want to carry on in the relationship you have and give your all and not stray again? Or is something definitely missing that cant be fixed? If the later is your answer, do the guy a favor and leave. If you actually want to stay...id put it down to a learning curve and put the other guy behind me for good and focus on my partner, making up for my messed up secret actions.I do feel theres underlying unhappiness on ur part though... it needs to be addressed. Not because everyone thinks he is perfect , he is actually perfect. You need to size things up from your own experience and whether thats what u want.

Thanks for your replies and insights. Wish I had come to this forum when I needed to talk about my marital problems instead of escaping them all together in the worst possible fashion. I guess hindsight is always 20/20. Yes the affair is over. I ended the sexual aspect of that relationship over the summer but somehow we had convinced ourselves we were good friends. Honestly it was a cop out to avoid facing how I had royally fucked up over the last two years. But I recently had a realisation and cut off all contacts with him now. It has left me raw because I realised that guy was just a band aid I had put on the gushing wound that my marriage was at the time. I feel its important to say I walked away several times and the relationship wasn't sexual for two years there were months at a time when it would be just talking. It doesn't excuse any of it I'm aware. It was just part of the lies we tell ourselves to justify our actions I guess. My husband doesn't know or if he does he has not said a word. I'm ashamed to say I wasn't exactly discreet about it. I was the girl who used to go days without checking her phone and suddenly it became glued to my hand. But it wa pretty easy because the issues already were in our marriage, spending evenings apart, distance, disconnection, lack of intimacy, no quality time without the kids, silly arguments over mundane stuff. As to why I don't want to tell him now its because I wouldn't be telling him for him, I would be telling him for me to ease the guilt and shame I feel about it and I deserve to feel that. Additionally if I tell him, then it all becomes about this affair and we will never work at our other problems. Because those problems existed long before I made a mess of things. Now I do have to confront what I should have confronted two years ago and decide if I want to stay in my marriage. I have entered solo counselling to try and take a beat, make sense of everything I'm feeling. Understand the behaviours and patterns that drove me to make bad decisions so I can finally make the right one. LearnLoveLive1 said it exactly right there was an underlying happiness in my marriage before the affair. In fact I was heartbroken like my husband had left me alone in our marriage because it was simpler for him. And I still feel the same way. I guess the one thing I have learned is I can't run away from this and I have to decide whether my marriage is salvageable or if its over.

You are experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Nothing more, nothing less.

Treat this like any other addiction you need to kick for your own well-being.

Thanks theStoic... i’m trying to take a beat... figure out what this all means. But yes you are right... reason it went on for so long was partly dude to addiction and I’m treating it exactly like that.

We live and we learn. Would you consider counselling for yourself. It would be good if something positive came out of this for you, and that includes understanding yourself and your vulnerabilities and motivations. Mind yourself x

Thanks windmillwhirl... I am doing solo counselling.. have my first session today actually.