Can't cope anymore and getting scared. trigger warning?

[isifeu]

I want to be vague but will give as much info as I can.

I have a 23 year old son, He is mentally ill.

The problem is the older he is getting the more aggressive he is, if one small thing happens in the course of a day he blows up and shouts, I have voicemails from him shouting and screaming at me, he calls me anything up to 10 times per day/night no matter the time, 3am is normal for him to call me, the latest voicemail is from today, I was on the phone with a family member, he called me, I text him to say I was on the phone, he proceeded to call me four more times, try to videocall me, sent multipul texts then left the voicemail.

"Where are you? why the f#ck are you ignoring me you b#itch, answer me now you f#ucking fat s#ut, you are making my mental health worse" this is normal for him.. he also threatens to come to my house and freely admits he wants me dead, has threatened to hurt me with a hammer, wants to see the soil going over my body at my funeral.. I know this is all horrible but it is what he comes out with and I don't know how to cope anymore.

He blames everyone for his mental illness, manipulates people into getting his way, if he doesn't he threatens to kill himself or me, its not like he ever rings me saying "Hi mum, could you help me with such a thing?" its "Come down to me and do this for me now, No? ok then I will hurt myself tonight and it will be your fault"

All this is a daily thing, I am at the point where I do not want to be around him, he will threaten me, remind me he has a hammer, then tell me he would never hurt me and I am judging him because he is mentally ill. I dread waking up everyday if I am being honest and just want to pack a bag and disapear. There is never a happy moment or anything to look forward to, everything is about how ill he is, how much he wants to hurt me, I feel like I am living the same day over and over again.

How do I have a relationship with my son but keep myself safe?

My goodness I feel for you I really do, what a terrible predicament to be in. Does he have a diagnosis? Could you speak with his psychiatrist/CPN and tell them what you've said here? Mental illness is no reason to abuse, threaten and harass anyone. Consider if you could go no contact and alert the police to the abuse the threats. He needs a stern warning from the police/and possible escalation of treatment if he behaves like this. Tough love I know, but sometimes it's a necessity

I think you need to report to police op, and also chat to Women's Aid or another domestic violence charity. This is domestic / family violence and he has no consequences for it so he's going to keep doing it.

It may be necessary for you to go to a refuge if you are at risk from him.

I know you love him. I'm sure he is weakened by MH problems and that's what's causing him to behave in this awful way. But you can help him by placing that firm boundary in place. Sometimes the only way to show love is by setting the boundary and making it so that only they are responsible for their own actions.

You aren't accountable for his MH, only he can be.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Hard as it may be, you have to accept that at the present time you can't have a relationship with your son and you must take every precaution to secure your safety.

Tell him that you are not responsible for his mental health, that you will no longer be spoken to as if you are shit under his shoe and that you will call the police if he comes to your home.

Block his number and block him on any other means he uses to make contact with you.

Call 101 and make the police aware of his threats to kill you and PLEASE don't hesitate to call 999 if he should turn up on your doorstep - needless to say, should he turn up, do not answer the door or allow him over your threshold.

Please treat this dreadful situation with the seriousness it deserves as YOU ARE IN DANGER and should be extra cautious when leaving/entering your home and when you are out and about.

Do you have any contact with his mental health professionals?

Cut him off before he harms you

Report to police, they can help him go to hospital for help he really does need. Its difficult but he is dangerous

I'd want to pack a bag and disappear too. And I'd do it!

That is truly appalling. Does he have a diagnosis as someone else said ? The Police definitely need to know as do any professionals involved in his care. If I were you I would change my number or block his message, change the locks and lay down firm boundaries. You will meet him once a week or fortnight in a public place . If he starts to shout or threaten, leave. If he is rude or abusive, leave. If he can't treat you appropriately, you don't see him at all. I know this is really really hard to do, but you need to do it for your own mental health. I wonder where he is living? He needs to be under the care of the mental health team, and they need to be fully aware of what is going on so someone is monitoring him.

That's horrific.

What's your family situation like? Do you have support?

Does he live at home? How does he manage, financially? I assume he doesn't work.

Has he ever had any treatment? For how long has he been like that?

Mate, it's a no brainer. If he threatens to harm himself, call 999 immediately. If he threatens to kill you, call 999 immediately. This is the obvious and the most effective way to keep both yourself and him safe.

The police, if he seems volatile, will arrange for him to quickly see a professional to get any help he needs. If he has a CPN and/or is under a consultant, that is another number you can find out and call, but I would definitely call the police in immediate response to any threats of any kind.

Hugs and best wishes xxx

*if he threatens to either harm or kill you x

I’m so sorry, I take it his dad isn’t around or involved?

It’s very hard when it’s your loved child but also true we have to look after ourselves before we can look after others and protecting our own mental and physical health is vital.

I would definitely advise you speak to the police, whatever his diagnosis threats of violence and actual violence are not acceptable, take a very hard line here, I expect you have texts to show the police and his team.

If you haven’t already, see your doctor for yourself, make your home safe.

Go to the police.
This is an offence - Threats to kill.
You are also being made to feel unsafe in your own home and are being subjected to severe harassment .
He could also need to be held under the mental health act . If so you are doing this for him. He needs help and you need help .

I have a very good friend who I've know for over 45 years, she had a son to a bloke with a mental disorder, who left her as soon as he was told she was pregnant. We've been very close over the years, with very little in the way of bad words or a fall out, we just seem to get on very well. Her son is almost 38 now and I noticed that when he was 5, his behaviour started to change, he would get angry at the smallest thing, become verbally and physically abusive to his mother, me and two younger siblings. I pushed and pushed her to take him to see a specialist, but she refused. When he was 11, he got really nasty and became very violent, I'll not say what happened, but he scared me and his mother agreed, that she had to seek help for him. He was assessed by doctors and specialists and inside 6 months, he was placed in a secure unit after being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My friend has regular visits to see him, but he's in such a state, he doesn't recognise her. She is heartbroken and thinks she has caused his issues by having him to a man with an anger problem. I try to do as much as I can to help her, talking to her and offering a comforting word, but after reading the OP's opening post, it stood out a mile of what it could be. I've witnessed the devastation of what this condition can and does do and it's scary. I'm no psychologist or expert by any means, but I've seen all this before, so if it was me, I'd be seriously looking at getting him to see a specialist and into a secure unit, if he cannot control himself or be controlled.

There's not telling what he is capable of doing.

@Brainticket
You are right.

I'd have one last try at getting a MH assessment for him, but I have been there and I suspect you will get the same "he's an adult so it has to be his choice" that I got.

Frankly I would move and not leave a forwarding address. No-one should have to live in fear.

How does he behave with everyone else?
Does he have a therapist you could talk to/see together?

But tbh I'd be sending him a text to say that you're sorry he's struggling with his mental health but his threats are worsening your own mental health and so you don't want him to contact you. When you're feeling better you'll get back in touch.

Let him acknowledge that text, screeenshot and then block for a month.