How did you end marriage and following steps?

[Loola6]

Just interested in anyone sharing how they finally ended it with their husband when a child is involved. What did you say and what came next? We have a mortgage and young daughter and he’s not going to take it well so I need to be prepared... thanks

what would happen if I just stopped paying the mortgage and claimed I had to move out due to it being an unliveable atmosphere

Unless your lender is a charitable organisation with deep pockets and well-versed in domestic abuse, the likely outcome is that they will institute repossession proceedings if your h fails to pay the shortfall left by you stopping your payments and you could end up with a black mark on your credit rating. In other words, it ain't worth the risk.

While your name is on the mortgage you are obliged to make the agreed repayments of the loan, but pigs might fly it could be that he will agree to pay your share as well as his own provided he is fully recompensed for this outlay when the property is sold.

Without being in possession of all the facts/figures etc, no-one can fully advise you via the internet and I urge you to reach out to a domestic abuse advisor asap as you may have grounds to apply for an occupation order which would compel him to vacate the property while you and your dd remain in residence,

If you don't feel able to divulge details of your marriage to an advisor, I would suggest you make contact and ask for recommendations for solicitors in your area who have extensive experience of, or who specialise in, domestic abuse.

You don't have to live in a loveless marriage or with an abusive h. The help you need is just a phone call away - make the first step and give 'em a ring

@DonKeyshot Thanks I'll take a look. I'm just so anxious right now I can't think straight

@DonKeyshot sorry when you say talk to domestic abuse advisor do you mean women’s aid? I’ll contact them this week and ask for recommendations for solicitors who understand domestic abuse... thanks for your support you sound so knowledgeable. X

Deep breaths. Cup of tea. Have a piece of toast, sandwich or similar as we often don't eat when we're anxious and can easily develop low blood sugar.

Would it help you to use this thread to list the ways in which you are being controlled and abused? You'll find that many others will relate to your experience and some may have advice that can help you cope until you are able to break free of his control.

In addition, this thread can become a chronicle of your personal journey to freedom and you'll be able to come back to it to see how far you've come and how much you've grown in character since you started it on Monday just gone.

There are numerous long running threads on this board from women who have found that their stories can be inspirational for other victims of domestic abuse. You may not believe it now but you have the power to change your life and those of others.

@DonKeyshot Thankyou x
So he has always been very intense and I thought had OCD but some of the things that have happened/he does are:
He has grabbed me by the throat two years ago while holding our 3 month old baby basically because he was having a routine operation the next day and I’d been so engrossed in talking about my daughter because she had an undiagnosed milk allergy and crying all the time that I’d not stopped to check how he was feeling about his operation...he never seemed particularly remorseful and when I brought it up he would say ‘ I’ve said sorry what more do you want’ etc...
After this I kept asking to go to counselling and he refused until a few months ago but it’s too late for me.
He also has grabbed me by the throat once before 7 years earlier in an argument but I had been drinking and so I struggled to remember it clearly/blocked it out the next day.
He emails me constantly about finances, knows every detail of my finances I know nothing about his. He emails me a list of what he’s contributed versus me each month and makes me feel bad because I don’t pay exactly half like he wants me to and lists how much extra he pays.
He messaged constantly all day, Chases me up if I don’t respond
He talks at me constantly to point of exhaustion.
He owns two top of the range cars and I drive a banger but if I query the fact he must be spending over 2k easily a month on cars he says that they are put through the business and he wouldn’t be any better off if he didn’t have them.
He makes me pay half of everything even though I’m part time (4 days) and he works 6days and has his own business.
He projects an image to everyone that he has a lot of money by driving round in these cars yet chases me each month to tell me how much extra he’s paying. I think people think I’m a kept women (little do they know!) then he makes out to me constantly his business is doing terribly!
He’s constantly on social media posting anything he does with our daughter looking like he’s some sort of saint. Perfect. I don’t post on social media.
He trivialises my feelings or if I question him or disagree with him he holds a grudge and causes an atmosphere and goes on about it, can’t let it go. I’ve got to point where I’ve become passive and just let things go over my head cause I can’t be bothered with the atmosphere.
He became quite aggressive and unsupportive during pregnancy towards end and caused few aggressive arguments where he threw things and I was heavily pregnant and I had to tell him to get out.
Everything is about him
He’s obsessed with diet and fitness, was trying to get to 8% body fat at one point and is not an athlete so looked terrible and kept getting ill but when I said something I was unsupportive.
He wants constant attention by always posting on social media.
Thinks he is always right

These are some of things I can think of... what do you think?

Oh and now because I’ve been so off the last week he has messaged me saying he’s bought me a present and then another today...
And finally he has just got his dad to clean our house without asking me as he said because he’s in bed unwell he’s not been able to do it for a week! Even though I’ve been doing it just clearly not to his standard and he messaged me saying I needed to say Thankyou to his dad!!!!!

Using the link on page 1 of this thread, contact Women's Aid and also check to see if your local council has a domestic abuse service/unit - some councils have what are, effectively, one stop shops for victims of da. Alternatively, call 101 and ask to be put through to a worker in your regional police authority's domestic abuse unit.

If you have reason to feel threatened by your h please don't hesitate to call 999. Even if he's not arrested/charged, the police can remove him from your home and advise him to stay elsewhere.

Imo it would be of benefit to you to outline the nature of the abuse you are suffering to a da worker. So many victims have had their self-confidence so ground down that they blame themselves for the behaviour of their abusers, or imagine that if only they could be different he would be too. Some victims are so terrified of their abusers that it can take a while before they're able to unburden themselves.

Speaking to a da worker will give you validation and I suggest you do so before asking for solicitor recommendations.
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I started writing my post of 18.38 at c3pm and, as I failed to refresh the page, I didn't see your latest posts

What do I think? I think - hang on, let's qualify that - I know that he's an abusive and financially controlling arsewipe. It''s all about him and he doesn't give a flying fuck about you. He's yet another common or garden nasty narcissist and I recommend you read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That' and ask your local Women's Aid service to enrol you on the Freedom Programme.

Grabbing you by the throat is a HUGE red flag and when he does this he's effectively telling you that he can cut your words off any time and he gets to decide whether you live or die - but when he grabs your throat he's actually conceding his power to the gods as he could so easily cause you brain damage or worse.

I’ve got to point where I’ve become passive and just let things go over my head cause I can’t be bothered with the atmosphere

You're half way to grey rocking him. If you have chin length or longer hair, wear earplugs to muffle the sound of his droning/whinging voice.

You definitely have grounds for divorce and a good solicitor will be able to advise as to whether you have cause to file an emergency ex parte application for an occupation order which can be used to compel him to leave your home. That will take the wind out of his sails and may give him pause for thought as he won't be seen as the big wheel he reckons he is if the news gets out - short and curlies come to mind.

I'm with you; after being subjected to such vile behaviour a present wouldn't cut it for me either and I'd tell him to shove his gift where the sun don't shine - or sell it if it has monetary value.

@DonKeyshot thanks so much for your reply and honesty, I have just googled grey rocking and yes I’m not far off at all! I also just read about love bombing and feel physically sick as that is exactly how he got me involved so fast and I never get involved fast... I’m so angry with myself. And I’m so sad for my daughter as I’ve basically given her a narcissist for a father... and now I’m not able to get away from him as he will always be in her life and mine... I’m going to talk to another solicitor as the last one I saw said I’d have to do mediation with him even though I told her what had happened... but maybe I played it down too much... maybe I need to disk it up to what it actually feels like on a daily basis... bloody exhausting!

@DonKeyshot also any tips of how to tell him I’m done with the marriage? You found like you’ve had first hand experience with a narcissist? Thanks in advance!

Following with interest as some of it rings true with me. My husband has some of the same traits although perhaps not so obvious so i find it even more confusing as I do wonder is it me!
He has never been physically abusive to me but has thrown things and slammed doors in arguments or when he loses his temper over nothing.
I find it hard to tackle anything with him as he never sees my point of view and gets easily offended.
He earns twice my wage but we pay the same to the joint account (although he does put extra in if it's short or pays for things when we are out.) He cries poverty all the time but earns a good wage and drives a nice car.
He cooks tea but otherwise doesn't help.much round the house.
He didnt help with any night shifts with my 2 babies but after a massive argument over this now does some.
Its just a constant feeling of the relationship is not normal but it's always hard to describe. I even filled in divorce papers before but found it really difficult to summarise his behaviour and give examples, I couldnt go through with it in the end but now wishing I had.
I've tried to tell him I want out but it didnt go well. I'm not sure whether to just serve him with divorce papers as I know theres no point trying to do anything amicably as he wont listen. But the thought of that terrifies me!
Have you told him you are thinking of ending it or has he no idea? Xx

@DonKeyshot I've called and left a voicemail so hopefully someone will come back to me soon. I've arranged to view a house today as I think I need an escape once I tell him as I can't imagine staying in the house with him. I spoke to a specialist family lawyer today and she knows a fair bit as had a lot of similar situations and she said that I wouldn't be expected to pay both rent and mortgage. My husband is obsessed about his credit rating so there is no way he would let the house go into arrears and I'm sure he would have enough to cover it he just wouldn't want to but that's tough! Fingers crossed I like the property and can start moving forward soon....

@Mysty83
I haven’t told him yet but he knows I’m not happy as I told him a few months ago I was ready to leave and made him come to counselling but it’s not helped in fact if anything it’s made me realise things are even worse than I had recognised! Then last weekend I just took off to my brothers house and since I came back after being completely guilt tripped while I was there he acts like nothing has happened and keeps buying me presents which is freaking me out more... flowers yesterday and never buys flowers, a photo album of all our memories the day before... it just feels wrong. He’s definitely not listened about how I felt so got to tell him but I need to be clear what I’m asking for and how I want to do it... I spoke to domestic violence helpline and I recommend talking to them as they were so helpful. However my mind is playing tricks on me and even though I was completely honest with them I feel like maybe I made the situation sound worse than it is and I should just get on with it as all the advice about leaving and how to do it feels like it should be for someone who’s violent all the time and part of me feels like I should just try to tell him and try work it amicably to start with... but don’t know if I’m being naive?!