Cope? Or break up? but How?

[MaeiTahaenam]

I'm strongly weighing the pros and cons of my relationship (a couple of years, living together, no DC, both soon 30). I feel stuck whatever path I choose. Basically my boyfriend is pretty insecure and it's weighing me down. He can be so loving, caring, helpful, funny, entertaining, you name it. But it all is accompanied with his insecurities. These manifest themselves in passive-aggressive behaviour, no substantial relationship with his family, envying his "rich and successful" brothers, criticiseing the whole world all the time and lashing out when things do not go the way he wanted/planned (no physical violence). He can be cheerful and happy most of the time, though, but these behaviours are still present all the time.
We have talked about these, but I have trouble helping him. I do not know how to help. I have tried listening and explaining how his thoughts are essentially wrong (thing I learned from my therapy when I dealt with insecurities many years ago). I have encouraged him. I have ignored him. He also went to counselling some time ago, claiming he really really wants to change, used only a small amount of sessions as part of his insurance plan. He said it helped. He put notes and reminders about what he learned to visible places and he showed some signs of improvement, but now most of it has vanished and he has removed the notes as well.
One path would be to try to help him more, be more giving and loving, but I find it difficult to do. Firstly, I really do not know how to help, and secondly I find it difficult to be loving, if he criticises the world, is negative etc. I truly loved him at one point and gave a lot of love and all, but his insecurities somewhat killed the love.
Second path would be to break up, but the same insecurities keep me from doing it. I Would feel so sorry for him for causing him so much pain, to leave him all alone in the world and be the next one in a row to break his heart as his previous girlfriends have done (as he has told me). He has not said much about the previous girls, basically he says he instantly forgets everything about the relationship after break up. So I have not heard anything good or neutral. But I have heard from him that the girls were bad and ditched him or cheated on him. Part of my brain thinks he is just manipulating and he will be alright, he will find another girl and life goes on. But half of my brain thinks I will mentally kill him if I break up.

Break up.

My ex gave me sob stories about how awful his exes were, how they broke his heart... blah, blah, blah. Turns out it's HIS behaviour and wrong doings that cause women to act up and leave.

Break up. You've said that his negativity has killed your love for you, so why would you stay? Get out now while you have relatively little history together and no real commitments. You have to do what's best for you and that doesn't involve staying in a loveless relationship so as to avoid hurting someone's feelings. Life's too short for that.

Would suggest you break up with him. You're really getting nothing out of this relationship.

You cannot rescue or save someone who does not want rescuing and or saving. Its all others fault rather than his and such men do not change. You were also not put on this earth to be a rescuer or people pleaser; if you have such tendencies these need to be dealt with through counselling for your own self.

You are not his mother nor his therapist and as his (current) girlfriend you are far too close to the situation to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help or support anyway. His behaviour has caused these previous girlfriends to break up with him. You have not caused him so much pain, he has done that to himself and of his own accord.
He has instead caused you much pain and anguish, no relationship is worth that.

His mental health issues etc are not your responsibility. If you dumped him it might encourage him to seek the help he needs.

You could tell him he has to seek help- therapy and/or medication if a doctor thinks it will help him, or you will end it with him.

Then, give it a date inwardly when you will reassess how you feel- if you last that long without deciding you've completely had enough and cutting your losses, which is fine. You could decide to yourself that if he seeks help now, provided you don't completely lose the love at some point, you could give it, say, 6 months to see if he improves.

I think he should seek a different kind of therapy to what he had last time, as he hasn't maintained the gains of that method.

Dn't get saddled with someone with long term mental health issues (and this is what this effectively is) unless they're trying to work on themselves constantly, and also not taking it out on you.

You are the one living your life, and so you have to put your enjoyment of it first- by how he's acting towards you, he effectively is putting his own enjoyment before yours, so he clearly doesn't have a problem with prioritizing himself, and will continue to do so.

Whatever you decide, hugs. xxx

Is any of it worth saving? If you dont think so, try not feeling bad for leaving. Its hard to do and it hurts peoples feelings but the alternative is wasting a life and life is too short . A break up later will be more painful. On the other hand , if you love him otherwise and want to make it better, tell him that behaviour needs to stop, he needs therapy and/or medication and needs to be brutally willing to watch what he says and his perceptions of life around him. Youve probs tried but if you show him one last ditch at saving what you have, give one last chance and you do everythin in your power to help the situation, you wont feel as bad if it does have to be ended. All the best op

Other than the age (I'm almost 10 years older) I'd think you are with my ex, right down to how he described past girlfriends.

I tried and tried and tried. We went to couples counselling for a while. Ultimately it was joyless and I ended it over something small because it all built up.

He was fine. Dating a colleague two months later but used to tell me life wasn't worth anything without me in it. They are still together three years on. I hope she's okay.

There's a thread called My ex is a psycho.
It is always their fault not his. This one was about a narc who seemed to be targetting a certain type (ED), then after a while of being a perfect partner was twisting things around, using the MH as a weapon. Beat her up.

OP, he is manipulating you. LTB.