Younger man advise

[litterbird]

Bit of background...ex left me just over 4 years ago for someone younger when he turned 50. Very embarrassing cliche, new sports car, new hair do, new gym, met her, 6 weeks later BAM off he went. It was a bolt out the blue and I was in shock for a long time and in pain for quite a while. Therapy helped etc etc. Anyway, back to my post...since then I am happy and have got 3 gentleman callers who have been around for a while. We go out to the cinema (not all together!), drinks, chat. All very lovely but no one stays over. However, one of them is 47 (I am 55). We've been dating/chatting sporadically since March. We have mutual friends and we play the same musical instrument and have stuff in common. Over the past few weeks he has suddenly upped his interest in me. Texting every day, very supportive of my job, very complimentary and this weekend he just wanted to spend time with me, we watched movies together and generally hung out. So whats my point? I am absolutely terrified and I think it harks back to my previous partner leaving me for a younger woman. This man is really attractive and I fancy the pants off him. He is giving all the signs out that he is really interested in me. I am scared, thats whats up and I dont want this fear to jeopardise a chance to perhaps enjoy a new relationship. I am scared of the age difference and I wonder why he is interested in an older woman and should be running around with younger women...ridiculous I know. Have any of our lovely ladies on here been in the same situation or any lovely gentlemen on here dating someone older? He is single, good job, last relationship finished 2 years ago. I am angry that my past issues are clouding my judgement. On top of that my ex recently got back in touch, which hasn't helped. Its as if he had an antenna giving him signals that someone else was interested in me. I have dealt with him immediately as not interested in getting back together at all under any circumstances. I am in a bit of a whirl right now, bit excited and very scared. Any advise form anyone who has a relationship with a younger man would be greatly appreciated.

With any loving relationship there is a fundamental risk. The risk of being hurt and heartbroken. The problem is, if you don’t take the risk you’ll never know what could have been. Don’t tar every man with the same brush as your ex. Yes he was a twat but the new guy seems sweet and affectionate. He’s trying to make an effort and wanting to move forward with your relationship. I think you should give him a chance to prove himself. The age gap doesn’t seem to bother him. He likes you for who YOU are as a person!

*He is giving all the signs out that he is really interested in me.

I am scared, thats whats up and I dont want this fear to jeopardise a chance to perhaps enjoy a new relationship*

This is going to sound pretty harsh but realistically you don't know what he's interested in with you.

Some late 40s men will be open to a seripys relationship with mid 50s woman, some will not (but will pursue the chance if a casual, sexual relationship). I suppose the same applies to men of any age.

You don't know if he's actually interested in a relationship (for the sake of this situation blets say a traditional, exclusive relationship that moves toward living together etc. if it goes well) and won't unless you ask him at an appropriate time (and he's honest) or you see how it unfolds, with the caveat that seeing how it unfolds holds the potential for more hurt if it doesn't unfold how you'd like it to (esp if you've slept together, caught feelings etc.).

Thank you Middersweekly, you are right, he is really making an effort and I have appreciated it all. I really need to pull my big girl pants on and step up and take a chance. I just won’t let my ex jeopardise anymore of my life than he already has. Feel the fear and do it anyway....is what I have to do. It’s very scary though. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

@DarlingBuds19 has kind of nailed exactly what I was going to say

8 years is nothing! Go for it!
My DP is 55 and I'm 47 , so the other way round but it doesn't matter I don't think.
You've been hurt before so naturally you're cautious and that's not a bad thing. Many men prefer an older lady - they don't all want a younger model .
If you get on, enjoy each other's company then where's the harm?
AND you can dance around the house singing 'toyboy' by Sinitta - win, win!

You are right too Darlingbuds, time will unfold this all. I have to see with a guarded heart and balancing pulling my big pants on and taking that chance. It’s hard.

Toboy Sinitta

I met dh when I was 41 and he was 31!! Married now at 48 and 38!!. Go for it op!!
Ime you are only as old as the man you feel!!

So in a very roundabout way, what I'm trying to say is that there's no point in worrying about whether you should get involved in a relationship and how it would go; given you don't even know if he would be offering (your definition of) a relationship.

Even if he is; I suppose the advice would be to see how it goes, without getting too invested. He sounds like a good candidate to have a nice time with following your ex's shitty behaviour (how ironic he's trying to kind of crawl back) as long as you can stay stoical and minimally invested (until such times down the road as investment is justified).

If you enjoy spending time together, why not see what happens? I think the differences between two single people at 47 and 55 are not significant at all. I met my dh when I was 28 and he was 21. I was a nearly 30 year old professional who had been out living on my own since I was 17. He was in the middle of uni, had never lived alone (went straight from family home to uni halls and uni house share with friends). The differences between people at those ages are probably much more significant. But we were really well suited to each other, had very similar values and wanted the same things in life. We've been happily married going on 10 years now with two dc. The age difference has not made any difference at all. Everyone comes to a relationship with baggage, but there is no reason yours has to get in the way of seeing where something could go, so why not?

Thank you for your replies, I just have to get out of my head, get myself out the way and take each day as it comes. So glad it worked out for you Windydaysuponus. I must stop questioning and ruminating on the what ifs and just be slow with it.

Also of your ex gets in contact again tell him that you're not up for discussing anything in the realm of getting back together right now - because you're in s newish relationship and it's still at the stage where the sex is mind blowing - but you might get in touch sometime, if or when the shine wears off

Darlingbuds.... yes! I will do! The bastard, every 6 months or so he contacts me with the same yarn. He’s still with the woman he left me for!!! Gotta larf!!