How do we survive this?

[LittleAndOften]

I've posted bits and pieces about this on other pages but I'm at breaking point so just going to put it all out there. DH and I have been together 7 years. We have ds3 and another due in a few weeks. He's had a total breakdown and is taking it out on me through angry rants which are happening more and more frequently, over trivial things. I love him, but I'm reaching my limit of what I can take emotionally.

This all started in July when he was hospitalised for a mystery illness affecting his central nervous system and it brought out all the mh issues he's been suppressing for years. Childhood abuse, ptsd, anger, huge anxiety. He's really been struggling and had to wait ages to see mh services (he's seeing a psychiatrist today). He's still physically unwell too and has gastric issues so can't take tablets (namely anti depressants).

DH has always been a perfectionist and a control freak. We clashed in the past because I was the opposite - quite laid back, messy and creative. Over time I have changed and become much more organised, tidy and responsible. However it's become clear recently that deep down he still sees me as the disorganised person he first met and has deep seated anger because of this (he accepts this is irrational but can't control it). It's all coming out now. Example - yesterday I asked him to get out the storage bags of baby clothes for me to sort out and put in the nursery (I can't bend or lift as have chronic pgp). He decided this meant I actually wanted to leave everything for him to do (his key phrase "I know what will happen") and launched into a tirade and character assassination about him always having to do everything, when I actually just wanted to get on with a job that needed doing. His words were brutal and cutting, ending up with him saying he had 7 years of anger about me and I was a huge part of the problem and we should separate. It broke my heart. I've never cried like that before. I felt broken. Since then he's been apologising and has backtracked on all of it, which happens every time. He has no coping strategies for his mh which I get, but my tolerance has limits. I'm the only adult he sees so in the firing line daily. I'm also in massive pain and can barely walk which has ground me down.

My future, our future as a family hinges on whether he can get past this. I've been a SAHM for nearly 4 years and he's the breadwinner. We are in a difficult place financially which isn't helping matters and DH is feeling under pressure to return to work. I try to earn a bit through freelance writing but it's sporadic and I haven't been able to pursue new work over the past few months that DH has been in crisis. The one saving grace is DS3 having his free nursery hours.

I've been as patient and supportive as I can throughout this time but I have nothing left to give. We have no support network locally (that's another story), his parents live nearby but his dad was his abuser (emotionally, physically) so we aren't seeing them. My parents live 3 hours away. They've helped where they can.

I've tried to get support for myself through perinatal mh services but they said they can't help because it's all circumstantial - I'm not depressed just massively stressed. DH is a wonderful man and I've coped so far by attributing his behaviour to his illness, but i can't just keep taking it. I don't have close friends to talk to.

DH is a wonderful, kind man and amazing dad who has broken down partly because of the pressure he puts on himself, and partly because of everything he has suppressed for so long. I don't excuse his behaviour and neither does he, but he can't seem to stop it happening. The question is, how do we survive this? With 4 weeks until my due date, I just don't know what to do.

He's bullshitting you and coming up with excuse after excuse as to why he can't get better. It sounds like he's controlling you now via his "illnesses" malingering and abuse. After you have the baby you'll be more vulnerable than you are now and he knows it. Get out now before the baby is born.

If he can swallow food to any extent then he can swallow a pill, especially when it's so important. He needs to prioritize it. It's momentarily painful to swallow a pill- so what? His wellbeing and that of his family is at stake.

His gastric problems might well turn out to be psychosomatic- I'm not psychic of course, but with mental health problems it's not uncommon to have pain, gastric symptoms etc.

I'm shocked that they didn't suggest any kind of med- it doesn't have to be either meds or therapy, it can be both and that's often the most effective way. I agree that he probably isn't in the best state of mind for CBT at the moment. Meds would help with that, or he could try some other therapy.

I think he should arrange to see a diferent consultant. He needs to prioritize this.

I wouldn't fall for the it being so hard to swallow that he can't take meds- that's bollox. He needs to be trying everything and stick with it, rather than just wingeing, and he's not. I'd be really annoyed at that.

Good luck and please let us know any developments. I was with someone who lost his mum, and suffered with mental health problems that were hard to live with for me. But he kind of came out the other side (we split up for other reasons.) Only you can decide when to cut your losses. Just make sure you tell him when he behaves out of line, and remember none of this is your responsibility as such- you can try and be supportive but he needs to get professional help, and keep going till he finds something or someone that works for him.

Thinking of you. xx

@Interestedwoman thank you for your kind response. You may well be right. He fully admits he doesn't know where his physical symptoms end and the psychological ones begin - it's all tied in together. I think it's the same with the meds, he's got a physical diagnosis but he's now got himself into a state of anxiety about things getting stuck because he's had such problems. I'm going to revisit it with him tomorrow.

Thanks for all your input. I need to work through this at my own pace, it's really not as simple for me as LTB, the stakes are too high. We've had no incidents today. I'm going to sleep on this, see how things look tomorrow.

It sounds really tough for all involved.

Would he be better off in hospital until he is properly sorted with treatment? I know it's incredibly hard to get a place now but it would give you both breathing space and a calm environment to bring baby into and he could get the help he clearly needs.

In terms of meds I have had problems myself with mh meds and gastro issues so I sympathise to a degree but (and as an hcp he should know this) there are thousands of options and formats meds come in. I'm currently on mirtazipine which is an antidepressant. It's a quite small easy to swallow capsule that unlike many other mh meds slows the gut rather than accelerating/exacerbating it. For me it's not really helping on mh side but everyone's different but the calming effect even though it's a side effect on my stomach has actually been pretty welcome.

He could also take additional meds or find other ways to mitigate the effects of meds on his gastro issues. Timing and certain foods and drinks can help, it can take some trial and error though.

In terms of his taking out his rage on you that's not on, has he considered other outlets? Physical activity, a literal punchbag, smashing cheap plates in the garage? Screaming into a pillow or the local woods...

He needs coping strategies that don't involve taking his anger and frustration out on you.

On the money side who is your UC appointment with? Have you spoken with any non dwp welfare advisors yet? I would strongly advise against not consulting an independent advisor before you make any decisions on that. Certainly don't be rushed into completing or submitting forms - dwp can do the "hard sell" on this so be warned.

His leaving a job due to ill health is not the same as voluntarily making himself unemployed and I'm concerned you've been poorly advised on this. Have you spoken to mind or Christians against poverty or similar? They would be able to advise you better on the financial side of things.

It's a really tough situation you're in at a really difficult time and I wish you the very best in navigating your family through it.

But you all can't carry on like this.

How would you feel if he took his rage out on your newborn baby? Or what if you need to stay in hospital and he needs to look after your 3 year old? How would he cope? I don't think you are realising how serious this is or how much danger you are in. Please phone women's aid today.