Our family and partner's mum

[StickAForkInMe15]

I just need some advice/a sounding board if anyone can help.

I have a son, dp has a son (both live with us, my son full time, his son stays at his mums 2 nights a week but she takes him to dps mums or dads for the day times). We also have a newborn daughter. We have a very loving, happy relationship and household. It should go without saying but all children are treated fairly in our house and have/will have the same rules and boundaries as well as 1:1 time with me and dp.

The issue is with dps mum. I thought we got along well, she seemed excited the whole pregnancy but since our daughter's been born she seems to have changed. It's like she doesn't trust me to have all 3 children. She had dss the other day and he was coming to ours that evening so I said I'd fetch him. She asked if I had the other 2 children which I did and she told me not to pick him up. This meant dp would have to fetch him when he finished work, an hour past dss's bedtime. Dp spoke to her and said I would be fetching him as planned, when I fetched dss she was clearly unhappy and gave me a huge bag of treats which she said she'd bought for dss and dss only. Prior to this she treated both boys the same just like my family do.

She always says things about me having all 3 like "hopefully you'll manage them all" "you'll have to phone me if you can't manage the children". I don't know where this has come from. I've never asked her to babysit. I brought my son up alone until I met dp and built my career when he was a toddler. I never asked anyone for anything and I did a bloody good job. I can "manage" our children perfectly well, the boys are very well behaved.

Finally, if I've mentioned something about our daughter (usually after she's enquired about her), or my son, she'll completely ignore it and say something totally unrelated about dss. Oh and she has said around 5 times that I'm selfish for breastfeeding because her and my dp can't feed dd. Dp has never said anything like this to me.

This is all said when dp isn't there or via messages (I've kept them all). I don't know whether to say something or to ask dp to say something or just leave it. I don't know if I'm being silly but it is upsetting me and makes me feel like ds and dd are being treated as "less than".

If anyone has and advice I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

I’d mention it to dh. It may be mil is concerned you’ll focus on your own 2 bio children and leave dss out? Whatever it is, it’s best to get it sorted early, before it gets out of hand

“Jane, I get the feeling you’re worried I can’t manage the boys as well as the baby-can you tell me why?”

Thanks. BertrandRussell I'll try that.

Lollypop701 I don't know why she would have that impression. I do everything for dss. I took him to nursery on his first day when his mum didn't show up (her contact day, dp was still at work as she said she'd take him. We provide the same for him as for my son. Dd is her biological grandchild too so I don't get it. It's crossed my mind it may be because dd's a girl?

Perhaps she's worried your dss will lose another mother figure. His bio mum seems flakey. She may be overcompensating unconsciously.

I'd assume that mil is identifying with dss in some way and perceives hes being left out in the cold somehow because hes now outnumbered within his nuclear family- the only child who isnt yours.

Remember this sort of thing doesn't have to be based in rationality to be extremely powerful for the person in your mils position.

Tread carefully. Ideally DP needs to sort this.

Just ask her

Agree with PP on talking to your dp.
I would just add that it's really rude for her to make comments about you breastfeeding and to think you should compromise on what is best for your child so she can feed her.
Regarding the treats for DSS alone I would have said thanks but she'd best to keep them as you treat all children the same and it wouldn't be fair to take treats for dss alone.

I would ask her what her problem is all of a sudden. She will probably deny she is doing anything.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Have your partner deal with her and he can lay down the law. I wouldn't waste one minute of emotional energy wondering what her problem is. Your energy needs to be directed to your family.

This is something your DP should be sorting.

rvby the same could be said for my ds as he's the only child who isn't dps. But maybe that's what it is.

Thanks everyone I'll let dp deal with it. I have mentioned it and he's quite upset by it as he had no idea.

Oh and she has said around 5 times that I'm selfish for breastfeeding because her and my dp can't feed dd
She probably wants you to kowtow to her as the 'superior parent' - as her passive aggressive comments insinuate that YOU are not 'capable'.

rvby the same could be said for my ds as he's the only child who isn't dps. Absolutely but she knows her own son better than you, she prioritizes and trusts her own child in a way she'd never be able to trust you, most likely. And your DS isn't her "blood" so she may, on a very deep level, not be that fussed about him.

When she does things like the sweets I’d hand them back and say ‘well you’d better keep them at your house then as we don’t single out the children for special treats in our house - they are all loved and cared for equally.’

monkeymonkey2010 that's how it seems. I think I'm a bit shocked as she's never been like this before. It's like a switch was flipped when our daughter was born.

Cloudyapples thank you I'll definitely say that. It may even make her think how it comes across. Even if it doesn't at least we're making it clear how we treat the children.

I'm thinking she's close to dss's mother and she's been saying she thinks her DS is being left out.

Spied their relationship as far as we know is dss's mum dropping him off or messaging about dropping him off all day, often not packing anything he needs. Dps mum moans to dp about her but is obviously happy to have her dgs. Equally she may moan to dss mum about me so who knows!

Dss's mum and I don't communicate as we've no need to. She doesn't want me to even have her number in case of emergency even though she knows I sometimes look after him on my own. There's no history between us. Her and dp never really had a relationship. When dss was ill and tookna turn for the worse I took him to the hospital as per GPs advice (dp was meeting us there as the hospital is inbetween hom3 and his work). Dp phoned dss's mum and asked if she wanted to come (she doesnt drive) or make her own way etc. She said no she was too busy. Then after kicked off because I'd taken dss and that was inappropriate apparently. She wanted us to waste time getting him to hospital waiting for dp to fetch him. Any time dss is poorly she refuses to look after him.

Feel awful saying this as you have a great relationship with dss but could he be going there and telling her stories in order to gain special attention?

When my daughter was born my SD went home telling lots of elaborate (and quite dangerous) tales! Jealousy probably, could this be happening do you think?

She sounds horrible. You sound lovely.

She probably feels different now as the birth of your dd adds another layer of commitment to your marriage to her son.

She obviously is close to her grandson and is defensive of him.

I’d just ignore and carry on as you were.

Spied I doubt it as he really doesn't have the language skills.

MercyBookoo thank you!

I’d just ignore and carry on as you were Thanks I think we'll have to!