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Relationships

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Original poster

Dcs not invited to dps childs party

24 replies

grecianurn82 · 06/10/2019 18:30

I've been in a same sex relationship for 2 years, I have 2 young dcs, she has one who is the same age as mine. My dcs both have autism, they are in an autism unit for school and don't really have friends as such, they find interacting with other dcs difficult but are both hugely improving. I would consider my dps child and another friends child their only real friends. Dp and I dont live together yet. She lives with her mum who is less than impressed about our relationship. It was my dps child birthday during the week and she just told me she had a small family party for her today. I'm absolutely gutted that she didn't bother inviting my kids. If I have any family events her and her child are the first people I invite. She has been at school events of my kids, parties etc.
To add to the matter we had plans to go out with our kids today, her sister rang her this morning and said she was calling down so she cancelled her plans with me. That annoyed me a bit because we only have 4 days a month that neither of us works and I always try to keep those days free to see her and do something with all the kids. She regularly cancels plans with me for other stuff. But mostly I'm hurt for my kids. They dont know about the party and wouldn't understand anyway but I just feel like she of all people should know how important stuff like this is for me for them.to be able to do. Am I overreacting to this? I know I probably tend to be over sensitive when it comes to the dcs and I'm a bit over protective I guess but I do feel this was out of order.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/10/2019 18:41

It sounds like you are completely different pages in terms of how important you see your relationship.

Interestedwoman · 06/10/2019 18:44

If it were me, I would be hurt for your DC's too. I wouldn't like her frequently cancelling plans either, it would seem to me like she didn't care :(

Maybe you could explain to her how you feel about those things, and anything else? Then you could see whether it was time to move on to someone else or have some time to yourself, based on her reaction and whether her behaviour improved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2019 18:47

Does her DC your two as friends in the same way they do hers?

I agree with random that you’re on different pages.

If the party was at home did she not invite you all because her mum would have made things awkward and cast a shadow over her DC’s birthday?

AllFourOfThem · 06/10/2019 18:49

I’m guessing there is more to this. I also agree it sounds like you view your relationship differently.

Do you think the issue is your children having autism, her mum not approving of your relationship or that she genuinely isn’t sensitive to what you find hurtful?

Raspberrytruffle · 06/10/2019 18:50

I'm sorry op it doesn't sound like a serious relationship it sounds casual. It means more to you than it does to your girlfriend

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2019 18:51

I think her mum didn't want you there and probably made that clear.

Minioooons · 06/10/2019 18:53

I would consider my dps child and another friends child their only real friends.
but then you are making this about your children in the same way that she is probably doing about hers. does her child even get along with your DC?

You say that yours doesn't get along with other children, and at this party there probably were other children there. Maybe she wanted her DC to have a good day without any issues?
also if her mum doesnt approve of the relationship, then all the more reason to keep it less complicated for her daughter?

Original poster

grecianurn82 · 06/10/2019 18:55

@AllFourOfThem there really isn't much more to it. I think the main issue is her mums disapproval and she bends over backwards to keep her mum happy. I'm excluded from all family events which I've learned to deal with but I just think she could have put her foot down and her mum could have been civil for half an hour so I could have popped in with the kids. The longer she allows her mum to dictate these situations the longer things will be like this.
We do appear to be on different pages about the relationship, she says she wants to move in together etc but her mum just has this weird hold over her which makes things hard.
@AnneLovesGilbert I assume her child sees them all as friends, they're very young so I guess it's hard to tell. My dp seems to, she talks about them living together when they're older and different things they'll do together etc, that's why this has really thrown me.

OP posts:

Original poster

grecianurn82 · 06/10/2019 18:59

@Minioooons I didn't really make that clear, in terms of them not getting on with other kids I mean they tend to just ignore them and play on their own, they dont fight or anything with them. They just do their own thing. Her child does seem to like mine, if they have to come to the town that I live in for any other reasons her child will ask to call to see us. I know what you're saying, I'm not trying g to make her childs birthday all about my kids honestly, I'm just hurt for them.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2019 19:07

she talks about them living together when they're older and different things they'll do together etc, that's why this has really thrown me.

I can totally see why her mixed messages are confusing and hurtful. One of ways of preparing to properly blend your families is to come together for events like this and you see that when it comes down to it she’s too scared to stand up to her mother and include you and your children.

Have you/can you have a proper talk about where you both feel the relationship is now and where it’s going? Explain that her longer term ideas don’t chime with her current behaviour and that this party has given you some doubts about how her thoughts match up with yours.

What are you doing for Christmas? Do you feel it’s currently a one way street where she expects you to include her but she doesn’t do the same back? Is the idea that she’ll move from her mum’s into a shared home with you? If so, how will you really trial family life if she lets her mum dictate who she has over?

Minioooons · 06/10/2019 19:08

Sorry op, I do get why you are hurt. If the kids all get along fine, then it seems theres more to it. As her mum was there then that's probably why. If her sister doesnt approve as well, then maybe that is more of a reason. Tbh if she didnt invite them because of her family not approving and she pleasing them, then perhaps rethink the relationship.

PrincessScarlett · 06/10/2019 19:13

If you are excluded from all family events, it is hardly surprising you have yet again been excluded. In your position I would be extremely hurt and would be reconsidering the whole relationship. You have been together 2 years, not 2 months, and your DP should be sticking up for you to her mother if she sees the relationship as serious and having a future.

Ihatefootball86 · 06/10/2019 19:42

Yeah this is going to be a pain in the arse for years until she puts her foot down with her family.

Hennysmommy · 06/10/2019 20:01

Sorry op but sounds like this relationship has run its course, your best off out of it. She doesnt seem serious about her relationship with you i.e cancelling all the time. You deserve to be in a loving commited relationship, not with someone who sounds like they dont care. Surely you DP mother could have allowed you at the party just for the sake of the children if nothing else. I feel if that your DP should have stuck up for you and challenged her mothers views on you been there, if your going to be in a strong committed relationship then you both should support each other.

I'm excluded from all family events which I've learned to deal
I have recently gone NC (my choice) with my DHs family and its very difficult and lonely. My DH is understanding of my reasons and is too having NC. DC has not been invited to his cousins party this weekend and that was hard for me to deal with knowing its all over facebook. So I completely understand you feeling hurt and upset. Been excluded is not something you should have to deal with especially as it is not you that has decided NC.

she talks about them living together when they're older and different things they'll do together etc, that's why this has really thrown me.
What does she mean by this? How old? And how long will you be waiting to move in together?
Think you both need to sit down and have a talk about what you both want from the relationship.

Original poster

grecianurn82 · 06/10/2019 20:16

I've been saying to her for a couple of months that I think we might want different things from the relationship and she keeps insisting that I'm wrong. Its interesting to see that it looks that way to other people.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/10/2019 20:23

What is the deal with her Mum, sounds like your DP needs to sort that out before she will be able to make free choices for her own life.

Original poster

grecianurn82 · 06/10/2019 20:32

@RandomMess her mum just doesn't like the fact shes in a same sex relationship, simple as. I think partly she doesnt like the fact that shes in any relationship because if shes distracted by a relationship she cant spend her whole time running round after her and keeping her happy. She does need to sort it out but shes afraid to, it's quite an abusive relationship.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/10/2019 20:38

That is what I suspected it's an abusive dynamic.

It is not about you at all, please encourage your DP to have some therapy and escape the FOG. Could you buy her the Lundy books on Toxic Parents?

Hennysmommy · 06/10/2019 20:54

Why does she keep insisting your wrong when you discuss your relationship and you feel that you both want different things? Sounds like she manipulative and controlling.

Original poster

grecianurn82 · 06/10/2019 21:43

@Hennysmommy I don't know why she contradicts me, I think she does actually want the same things as me but her fear of upsetting her mum overrides what she wants for herself

OP posts:

Hennysmommy · 06/10/2019 21:59

Perhaps some relationship therapy/counselling might help.
Her mother needs to allow her daughter to have her own life. Your DP needs to stick up for you, i understand its hard because its her mother but if DP is going to have a life of her own she needs to put her foot down (and stop cancelling on you too).

Original poster

grecianurn82 · 06/10/2019 22:05

I was thinking about counselling, I just wondered if it's too much this soon into the relationship. I hate giving up on it because outside of the issues with her mum and family we never argue over anything. When she dies cancel on me it's almost always because her mum has thrown a tantrum and insists that she NEEDS her to bring her somewhere or do something for her instead.

OP posts:

Hennysmommy · 06/10/2019 22:20

Its never too soon for counselling. The counsellor wil help you work through the issues. Her mother will always be the thrird person in the relationship unless its sorted.

Hennysmommy · 06/10/2019 22:26

Her mothers tantrums and demanding attitude with making your DP take her places is her way of stopping/avoiding her daughter having contact with you. Its controlling and highly abusive. I know this because it happened for years with my DHs mother hense the NC. It can become very toxic and has huge effects on relationships and family life. Your DP might find the counselling helpful.

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