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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sister, exH and DD

22 replies

Lysianthus · 06/10/2019 16:33

I hope I'm on the right thread for this, and I'll keep it as short as possible but I really need some advice.
Have been divorced for over 10 years and DD is at University a few hours drive from home. My sister and I haven't always got on; she is slightly younger than me, never married no kids. She can be slightly narcissistic at times but I am used to that now. When I got divorced, she was on-side, completely supported me, called the Ex a tosser, amongst other things etc, and was loyal. None of my family kept in touch with him, to my knowledge.
Fast forward to now. We haven't spoken much for about a year, she has gone low contact with me and tbh I haven't wanted confrontation because this happens every so often, and she eventually comes back and I am happy to pick up where we left off. It's not a "something I have done" scenario, she just gets tied up in her own life and job and goes a bit off grid.
Last night I spoke to DD who told me that last weekend her DF and SM went to visit her at university, took her out for dinner, and that my DS went with them! I am horrified/upset/shocked etc.....I managed to keep it together though, and said "how lovely" and other platitudes but as soon as I put the phone down I burst into tears which is very unlike me but I was so shocked that she could be so disloyal, or more accurately duplicitous. So all the "he's a tosser, blah blah" was either just to shut me up ten years ago, or she has no sense of loyalty. To be clear, when exH left, he paid very little/nothing in CM, and is a true Disney Dad, even now. He buys all the fun stuff, and I get to finance everything else. Having said that he never took her on holidays, that was apparently my job to do (and pay for). I kept a (relatively amicable for the sake of DD) civil relationship going but we never saw one another.
So now, what next? How do I approach this with her? OR do I just ignore it ever happened and say nothing? It's just so hard thinking that this is all going on without my knowledge - but I also feel that I need to continue to keep the peace, and the pretence, for the sake of DD.
I would love to know if anyone on MN has had a similar experience, and might have some pearls of wisdom - to protect my sanity!
Thank you so much in advance.

OP posts:

KatnissMellark · 06/10/2019 16:38

I don't know what you can do but I wanted to say I don't think you are unreasonable to feel this way. Occasionally DH and I run into my DSis exH when he's out and about with our niece, we are always polite for niece's sake but cannot get away fast enough and I'm internally cringing the whole time. I always make sure to text my DSis to say we ran into them and the niece is ok. I hate it when it happens because he's a total arse whose made Dsis's life so difficult for the last ten years and I really don't want to speak to him or have to see him at all.

To be honest if I were you, I probably wouldn't say anything but I would take this as an indication of where you stand and continue with low/no effort. She doesn't sound like a great sister anyway so no loss to you.

Well done for keeping it together in front of DD.

girlwithadragontattoo · 06/10/2019 16:38

It's been 10 years, she's moved on and i think you need to as well. She could easily have been visiting your daughter and your ex was visiting as well so they decided to go out together.

Oysterbabe · 06/10/2019 16:39

I've got to be honest, I really don't get why this is a big deal. You split 10 years ago and she maybe just wanted to see her niece.

LL83 · 06/10/2019 16:46

Understand how you feel I would be hurt too.

If your sister is known for being narcissistic then part of me thinks she is doing this for attention so the best thing you can do is not show her it bothers you and try to move on. My opinion of sister would be worse and I would be civil but nothing more going forward.

If she is trying to wind you up you will hear from her shortly so she can drop this into conversation. If she does the less you can show you care the better.

Original poster

Lysianthus · 06/10/2019 16:57

@katnissmellark and @LL83 Thank you both, really helpful.

My sister has never been to see my DD and she only went apparently because they all arranged it together - so whilst it could have been a coincidence....

OP posts:

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/10/2019 17:26

She can be slightly narcissistic at times
More like she's a full blown narc but you just don't see it all because of the low contact.
Narcs are master manipulators - so it wouldn't surprise me if she's been in contact with your ex the whole time.
She could have visited your DC anytime she wanted - instead she arranged for it to happen with your ex.
She definitely wants to twist the knife into you whilst still smiling and acting innocent.

ShadowOnTheSun · 06/10/2019 17:33

To be honest, I fail to understand the problem. You divorced 10 years ago. 10 YEARS AGO. So your sister, ex and his partner went to visit your child (also his child and her niece). What's the big deal, I just don't get it.

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 18:14

I think the big deal to the op is the thought that her ex might be involved with her sister. That would be odd to post people.

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 18:14

I meant 'most' people, not 'post' people.

Original poster

Lysianthus · 06/10/2019 18:17

@shadowonthesun No worries. I don't get it either - why my so-called loyal sister would never go and visit my niece (hasn't for the past two years of University), and then all of a sudden makes a massive effort (serious journey etc) with my ex who she knows was a tosser - but apparently has forgotten!!
I'm sure I'll get over it - just wondered if others had had the same experience. Grateful for perspective, really.

OP posts:

Daffodil2018 · 06/10/2019 18:17

I think it's hugely disloyal of her. In light of her going off grid it feels like she's making a point. She must have know it would get back to you. I would be upset too.

Does she keep in touch with your DD separately?

Original poster

Lysianthus · 06/10/2019 18:21

@daffodil2018 My DD keeps in touch for birthdays and Christmas - cards/gifts (reciprocal) but that's about it. This is the first time (and she's now in Year 3) that my sister has visited. It's all odd, but from what other posters have said, I have a feeling now that she's trying to play a game which I have no intention of getting involved with. Just sad that I thought she was loyal, and now I know...

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2019 18:26

I find it really odd that your ex and his wife would even want to go to dinner with your sister. How did this arrangement happen? Why would they all have made such an arrangement in the first place? I don't get it.

LL83 · 06/10/2019 18:32

If it was me I would be sucked right into game playing.

"You went for lunch with ExH and Dd, sounds lovely where did you go? Was it a nice place? I may try it when I next visit."

But healthier and better for you to just move on and distance yourself.

Whatever you do, do not show her you are upset or angry. That's what she wants and you cant reason with the unreasonable.

@ShadowOnTheSun why is sister in contact with ex? If they are colleagues or had some reason to be in touch then of course this could be normal all this time later. But to suddenly be in contact after 10 years is weird.

MillicentMartha · 06/10/2019 18:37

I would be upset. I can’t imagine meeting up with my exBIL, even though my ex was the one who had an affair. It would seem like stealing exH’s support network. And my DB and DSis would never, ever meet up with exH.

I’m 8 years post divorce and the hurt diminishes but never truly goes away.

Minioooons · 06/10/2019 18:46

who arranged it op? has she even seen your ex over the 10year period? I find it so strange that she would suddenly visit your dd and want to do so with your ex. does she know his partner ?

jamaisjedors · 06/10/2019 18:51

I can see why you are upset because you know your sister and it seems like you can see this is unusual behaviour.

OTOH, in my own situation, currently in the middle of a hideously acrimonious divorce, I am still in contact with exH's sister who I have always been close to and plan to go on holiday with her in the future.

EXH won't like it but they were my family for 20 years too.

I agree that 10 years down the line surely who cares?

Happyandglorious · 06/10/2019 18:51

I would be livid too @Lysianthus. Sorry that you were hurt. I dont think 10 years or 50 years makes any difference. You expected some degree of loyalty and kinship and you were let down. None of this has anything to do with you and is narc attention seeking selfish behaviour. Please please don't take the bait

Musti · 06/10/2019 19:58

If she's a narcissist then it's what they do. It does sound like she's a narcissist because any normal sibling would contact you and arrange to go and see your daughter with you, not with your ex who has been at the very least financially abusive. And even if you were all on good terms, it would be much more normal to have arranged something with you.

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 20:01

Ah, I didn't realise your ex had a wife who was also at the meal so I was wrong about your sister wanting an involvement with him. Sorry.

Original poster

Lysianthus · 06/10/2019 20:37

@rachelover60 No worries!

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 07/10/2019 19:58

My sister is a narc and l know that other non narcs just don't understand them. It took me a long time to be able to understand who they are and how warped they are. You deserved much better than this OP . Don't fall for it whatever you do, just let it go. Your sister knew your DD would tel you, she did it to hurt you l am so sorry .

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