Do you recognise this type of behaviour...?

[JamRok]

I've decided to call it covert goading...

I've come to realise that I've got people in my life that try to goad in a subtle and insidious way, then sit back and enjoy the results.

For example, I was out having dinner with some friends the other night, and this one individual appeared to target everything I was saying and disagreeing with everything I say, and presenting the complete opposite viewpoint (not matter how controversial). All done in a very subtle way. I also noticed that this was only targeted at me.

Now I thought we were having reasonable discussions and exchange of views, but it seemed this one individual just kept targeting what I was saying regardless (which was nothing controversial).

So my questions to you are:

• do you recognise this type of behaviour?
• and do you have any similar stories?

My reason for asking is I'm becoming more aware of the more covert toxic behaviours as well as the overt ones. The problem I find with the more covert toxic behaviours is they leave me feeling like it must be me with the problem when deep down I know it isn't.

Anyway would be keen to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Yep, sounds like it @jamdhanihash . Most of us try (tried) to win her approval if we just gratefully took on board this or bonded with her over that passive aggressive critique of somebody else.

It helps me to try to remember that I'm pretty certain she does it because under all that grandiosity she's got very low self-esteem. If I can frame it to myself that she puts others down because that's the only tool in her toolkit she has to raise her own self-esteem, I can think about her with kinder thoughts, and she doesn't irritate/hurt me so badly.

Yes, someone who was in the same group of people at University (I was however on the periphery of the group). If I said something she would take issue with it.

I tested it - one week I said one thing and she argued against me. The next week I contradicted myself and yet again she argued against me.

From what she said about her family it seemed there was a strange dynamic with an extremely domineering granny, (dad agreed to collect me from the station but then granny demanded to be taken to the library so I had to wait 2 hours or mum and dad were going to visit me but granny said they shouldn’t leave Wales etc.)

coffee how did you not say to her ‘oh I thought you just got 2 dogs?’ I wouldn’t have been able to help myself!

@Allthematchingchristmasclothes I did! Well, she was talking to my dog so I talked to my dog and said "Don't listen to her! She loves dogs, she does charity work for them and has just adopted two herself!" ... which is how she ended up repeating her line three times! It also gave her the in to talk about how she's trained her rescues to pick up litter out of the river. You know, because she is just doing her bit for the planet 😇 😂

I don't always handle her in the best way. What I should have done is said to her "oh right well I'll just take mine out of your way then cheerio!" and got out of the interaction sooner with less drama. But she finds people's buttons to press, and that can make it difficult to be rational and composed in the moment.

@Coffee haha of course she has super dogs that she dislikes! 😂 how are some people so full of BS!?!

A few stock phrases may be useful here, like "Let's agree to disagree" or "Maybe you're right" or as a pp said "Oh really?"

I need tips on this. One of my sisters does it.
Problem is that by replying with a brief phrase - "if that's how you see it" etc it makes me sound passive aggressive when really I just want to change the subject, not give in to the row she wants to have.

@itsboiledeggsagain

I think Mariana's suggestion, 'Let's agree to disagree', is the most
neutral phrase with no element of the judgement or superiority. It doesn't invite further discussion but instead a mutual agreement to drop the matter with no loss of face.

Only works if said in a neutral way. If the other person sees a self-satisfied smirk, hears a patronising tone, or, possibly worse, picks up on any sense of surrender...

Some interesting stories. And some good suggestions. Really appreciate it. Good to know I'm not on my own.

These people are so sneaky aren't they. As previously said, it's often done in such a way that it's difficult to call people out on it. But I guess that's why they do it. Sneaky, insidious, unpleasant behaviour.

I'm becoming more interested in these covert toxic behaviours as they are more difficult to spot and articulate, and possibly more dangerous.

Are there any other covert toxic behaviours that I need to look out for?