"Close female friend"

[FilthyBiscuit]

Newish DP. We've talked a lot about our history as we are both recently divorced and taking things slowly. We've both got stuff we need to work through. My ex cheated on me and I asked if he had ever been unfaithful. He said he hadn't, he'd never so much as held hands with another woman while he was married.

But in recent conversations he has talked about a "close female friend" that he had in a previous workplace. In his head, he's not been unfaithful because he hasn't had a physical relationship with anyone but in my mind there are warning bells. Anyone that has to place "close female" before the word friend has crossed a line haven't they?

No, it takes more than words.

In his head, he's not been unfaithful because he hasn't had a physical relationship with anyone

You're saying in his head there as if hes trying to justify something. Hes not been unfaithful just because hes got a close friend that's female.

My male friends would describe me as a close female friend and there is nothing other than platonic friendship there at all. He may think that he's being more honest by telling you outright that shes a close female friend rather than saying his friend and having you upset when you find out shes a she.

Are we missing something?
Did the close female friend cause problems in the previous relationship?
Just wondering as you said in his head he hasn't been unfaithful because he hasn't had a physical relationship with someone....so did his ex have a problem with it? or are you just assuming you know what's in his head?

did his ex have a problem with it?

Yes, she thought he was having an affair.
My ex was “close friends” with the girl he eventually cheated with.
Maybe this is just my own paranoia but it does seem off to me. Not that I think he is lying but I think there is a blurred line as to where something strays into emotional affair territory.

I suppose it depends on the person but I have close male friends I have never thought of as potential partners or lovers. And they don’t think of me that way either. Sometimes a friend is just a friend.

He can't win in this situation.

Option 1 - he doesn't declare the fact he has a good friendship with a woman = when it comes out, you think he's been lying by omission which must be a sign of guilt

Option 2 - he tells you about the friendship = you decide there's an issue there because he told you the nature of the friendship and being up front about it must be a sign of guilt

You're not wrong for feeling a bit sore from previous relationships, but I'd be making a decision about whether you can accept the friendship and if you can't then for both your sakes it may be better to move on.

I say this as someone who has lost friendships with men over what their latest gf has an issue with, or my DH knows I've been for lunch with friend but friend's parter doesn't know because it's not worth the grief they get when they get in.

He's not crossed a line but I would be wary about the friendship. Keep an eye out for any flags.

She’s not on the scene anymore as far as I am aware. She was a work colleague in a previous job.
I have lots of male friends but never felt that I needed to call them anything other than “friend”. Their sex is obvious in most cases because I refer to them by their name.

Unfortunately some partners get het up, jealous and paranoid and will turn any friendship with the opposite sex into a stick to beat with.
Be up front about opposite sex friend - must be hiding something because they've got mentionitis and have mentioned the sex of their friend, probably trying to debt self esteem or fuel jealousy (and so on)

Don't mention it because they're just a friend and why would their sex matter - totally hiding something, it may not have been physical but clearly one of them would have wanted it otherwise why the secrecy, it's lying by omission, people don't get shady about opposite sex friendships unless there hoping to sleep with each other.

It's a totally no win situation.

I have close male friends who I have had decades long platonic relationships with. There’s nothing wrong with that, we are all people

There's a difference between long term platonic friendships of the opposite sex and the types of people that only seem to strike up these "friendships" with the opposite sex.

That being said the general rule of the for me is if it's open and you've met them there's usually nothing to worry about.

I think you need to consider if you think he has appropriate boundaries.

He is allowed to have a female friend. As PP say he can't fucking win, unless of course he just dumps a valued friend because some future partner might be jealous and controlling.

Having a close friend of the sex you're attracted to is not the same as cheating. (Are gay men and women allowed to have same-sex close friends, or must they confine themselves to the opposite sex?)

Trust him or don't, but don't punish him for your ex's crimes, especially when he's no longer even close to the woman in question.

closetbeanmuncher
But long term friendships have to start somewhere and so there's always a period of time when a potential long term friend is a new friend.
I can even imagine on here people deciding a new opposite sex friend was clearly an affair in the making or they must want to sleep with each other because otherwise he wouldn't make a female friend.

I agree that there's a difference between someone having opposite sex friends and people who only have opposite sex friends in a revolving door way.

Oh god, I really haven’t explained myself well. I am not jealous or controlling. He is allowed female friends and he has female friends. All of whom are called “my friend such and such”. But he has spoken of someone “close” and I am wondering why this particular person wasn’t “my friend so and so” like the others.
I’ll ask him if it ever comes up again.

Is he still friends with her?
From my experience I would guess at there having been an EA, and that it caused the break up.
Tread carefully.

My best friend is male. We happily refer to each other as best friends.
I'm not 100% sure how honest he is about our friendship to his partner. As he often describes her as 'jealous and insecure'. I get the feeling he doesn't divulge too much, for fear of causing unnecessary agro.
But then again, I don't mention him too much to my partner.
Seems to be the territory with opposite sex friendships. People seem programmed to think there must be more to it, if a male and female are close, but not in a relationship.